I've been divorced for a 1.5 yrs. My ex cheated and his affair partner became pregnant. We separated in 2008 and after a long custody dispute finally divorced in March 2011. MB concepts make so much sense to me and reading the forums has been helpful in coping.

In 2009 my friend connected me with her husband's friend who had been through a very similar situation, only it was his ex wife who cheated and became pregnant. He has been a great support to me as he went through nearly the same thing just a little before me. He lives a significant distance away but his friendship is an incredible gift to me. We met in person in Jan 2011 for the first time when our mutual friends planned a trip that we both went on. I was very physically attracted to him after we met in person and in the months that followed we began to communicate about things other than divorce. We started to get to know each other more deeply. About 6 months after we met in person he told me that he had feelings for me. This was not much of a surprise because I felt the same way about him. We have so much going for us in terms of our compatibility, shared experiences, morals, and meeting EN. My heart is full of gratitude that he is part of my life and I'm thankful that I care about another person in the way I do about him. It has been about a year now that we have admitted our feelings and they continue to grow. We communicate regulary over text and phone calls. We have traveled and have seen each other every few months since january of this year. Every visit with him is precious to me. But the goodbye is killing me. I have a desire to spend more "real" time with him to make sure what I think is true between us actually is.

Here is where I need advice: Both of us have a daughter from our previous marriages and both share custody with our ex. Because of this, we are stuck 2,000 miles apart. Why am I doing this to us? Should we cut each other out? Am I being ridiculous to have some hope that somehow one of our situations with our exes will change in order that one of us could move. Sometimes I find myself thinking that we could wait and move in 10 years when his daughter goes to college. I wonder about going to court to get permission to move with my daughter. Are there any other options?

I should mention that both of us are Catholic and it's important to us that we have anullments before entering any serious, marriage-bound relationship. Both of us are working on them, but neither of us have received the annullment. Sometimes I think that the distance between us provides a safe boundary until we are "free" to marry again??? Maybe I shouldn't be taking this so seriously until we have annullments?

Also, we have not classified our relationship at all. We are both free to date, but we both have set such a high standard of what we are looking for in a partner that it's hard for any dates to even compare.

I would appreciate any thoughts or advice.

Your friend is a toxic friend.
She encouraged you to become involved with a man prior to your divorce.

As for your boyfriend, do you really think that someone datin while married is a good catch?

I encourage you to read the book Buyers Renters and Freeloaders by Dr Harley.

Thank you HDW.

I understand your point. To clarify, my friend did not introduce us as a set up or anything like that. Her intention was to offer support to me by introducing me to someone who had been through what I was going through and therefore might offer better advice than her on dealing with a cheating spouse/divorce.

Looking back, it makes sense that we would develop feelings for each other considering all that we have in common. It was those commonalities that encouraged her to introduce us; however, setting us up was not her original intention.

Also, neither one of us dated at all until we were divorced. I do not think dating while still married is acceptable and wouldn't be interested in anyone who has done that. We did not express our feelings until after I was divorced. He had been divorced for several years. We did not see each other until almost a year after my divorce was final.

In fact, I have concerns about dating because I don't have an annullment yet. Does anyone have an opinion regarding the need for an annullment before dating?

HDW-I will read the book you suggested. Thank you.

Well regarding annulment.
That is a discussion you need to have with your Priest.
Were you married in the Church?

To be clear, as far as the Church is concerned any dating for a baptized Catholic is prohibited while married. The church does not recognize civil divorce so if you date prior to annulment it would be considered adulterous behavior.

But I would encourage you to reach out to your Priest for guidance.

As for your friend, she may have referred you to this man because his wife had an affair but what guidance can he offer? Opposite sex relationships are inappropriate during marriage and it opens the door for emotional attachments to be formed when the focus should be on marital recovery

HDW,
I agree with your point about opposite sex relationships during marriage. I was desperate to save my marriage, my ex was not. I did everything I could to save the marriage but there was no hope. I was willing to adopt my ex's OC and raise him as my own. Nothing worked. Ex continued to lie, he refused to end the affair, and he and his affair gf moved in together. The man I began talking to did not interfere with my attempts to recovery my marriage bc when we first started talking he was already divorced and I had already filed.

Regarding the guidance he offered, he gave great advice in navigating my interactions with my ex. He helped me to be honest with myself. He has been influential in helping me see the spiritual side of my situation and God's providence in my life. He has helped me move from resentment to forgiveness. I think I offer the same positive things for him, at least I hope I do.

I was married in the Catholic church, as was the man I've been talking to/visiting. We both are working on annullments. I've talked to my priest and his response to my concerns about dating before receiving an annullment was that I shouldn't get myself into any relationship in which marriage becomes our only option and breaking it off isn't. Obviously my priest believes this because I can't get married again until I have the annullment, but I don't think his advice takes into account the attachments that develop as people are getting to know one another and falling for each other. I've felt ok getting to know this man and felt I was following my priest's advice knowing that the physical distance between us was a built in boundary because we can not become more serious with 2000 miles between us. After talking to the guy I'm interested in, we both agree that we shouldn't travel to see each other anymore until something changes. For me, it's just too hard to see him and then say goodbye. For him, he wants to get healing and strength from God, not with visits from me. While it hurts knowing I won't spend time with him anytime soon, in a way I feel relieved because the visits make me want more and it just isn't possible. Not seeing him also elminates my concern about dating without an annullment. It makes it easier to be chaste, something we both strive to be(which has been difficult for me when we visit bc I'm so physically attracted to him, although he has been great at preventing us from doing sexual things that we believe are not good at this time- this ability to control himself is another attractive quality)

We want to continue to talk because there are real positives in knowing each other. We really help each other become better people. But is this dangerous? I can't move backwards with my emotional attachment to him. I have hope for our situation but maybe I'm just too unrealistic and the obstacles (daughters, distance) are too much to overcome. Should I stop all communication and just be grateful for the time we've had? I think about that saying �a friend doubles ones joys and divides one's sorrows,� he has been that friend for me and it would be extremely difficult to lose him, but I imagine it will only get worse as time goes on and we don't have any way to close the gap on our distance. I want to do this right and God's way. I'm struggling to know what that is. Do I need to be more patient or end this relationship?