We did have a chat last night at her request and the upshot of it was again her saying "i don't have those feelings for you", "i cant change that". I did say that i dont expect the to come back overnight but will take time to come back. An that we can both do things to bring the feelings back during that time.

She also said that at the moment she doenst know if she wants those feelings back and that she doesnt find me attractive or in love with me and that she feels like she has been on this emotional rollercoaster before and got burnt before when i have promised her the world and she isnt sure she wants to ride it again but will give it time to see if they change.

She did say she doesnt want to give me false hope, or promise me, or lead me on that the feelings will change with time and i said there is no promises all we can do is try etc. She said the best she can say to me right now is that she is been open minded regarding the future. This was what the counciller said in the first session when getting her to stop thinking\talking about separation\divorce and be openminded.

So not sure whether this is good or bad really, i have slept like sh1t and had a real downer. It hurts so much that she can actually make a commitment to trying to save things, last night i felt like dieing or just running away from it all i felt so low.

Stop taking her words to heart. Only her actions matter. The rest will come with time.

Her words are going to reject you - because she does not feel In-love with you -- YET. Let Plan A work for a while and stop trying to take her temperature every day. Stop expecting a quick result.

Look at her actions - she's done NOTHING about leaving. She's there.

VARs and GPS

Nod with thoughtful listening expressions. This is just par for the course. Then get up and do some EN meeting with no thought of tomorrow. Tough, isnt it?!



Sounds pretty good. Someone with a low lovebank has no hope to offer you, because they dont feel any. I would get rid of your search for hope. Plan Hope is what losers do. You are going to ACT, not sit around and hope. Or ask your wife to provide you with hope. And no matter what the result you are going to be proud of your efforts.



You must be more logical. You can't expect someone with no feelings of love to do any more than what she is already doing. Sticking around. Your expectations of her love is like a man expecting payday before the shift is over. At least she gave you the job.

If your feelings are very debilitating, get to the doctors and get some anti depressants. Dont be a hero. Also remember that Plan A is rough on everybody and self care is a must. Be nice to yourself too. Not taking care of yourself/getting meds/sleep/eating is like trying to climb Everest without equipment. And you must go o n when you are in pain. You will be proud of the effort one day.

If you cant sleep the whole night, take naps, or just rests. If you cant site down and eat a full meal, take a small bite of something whenever you feel anxious. Watch things that are really funny.

At the end of six months, you will be a fantastic husband with a fully earned badge of repentance no matter what. You are the person in charge of that goal, not your wife.

It is the feedback you give yourself that matters. Stop nagging your wife for it. If you have fulfilled key ENs, not lovebusted and taken care of yourself and your endurance then youve done a good day's Plan Aing.

She is not guiding here. You will have to give yourself pats on the back, or come here for them (or to get slammed )

Let's remember you are doing this for self respect and to undo what you did. Her reaction to that is totally up to her.

Respect that and stay on plan.

Stop telling her how she will feel. It is highly annoying to be educated by our spouse, particularly about our own feelings. Just tell her you are happy when she is honest with you and you respect her feelings on the matter.

Lexxxy I know and I do try to not let them get to me, with time I get better at it least I can come here to vent. I certainly am looking at the actions and several people on here and the real world gave said about she is still here, as indie says there is something inside her that makes her want to stay she just doesn't know or understand why yet

ok I thought my response had been more empathy but I hear you

What she told you was NORMAL wayward talk.
My wife and a million other cheating wife's have said the same thing.
"I'm not in love with you" "I love you like a brother " " we are like good buddies" "roommates" "I care about you " "I don't want you to have false hope" "can't we just be roommates?"

In the future DO NOT have conversations with a wayward. If you really want to talk to her go bang your head against a brick wall - it will be just as productive.

Repeat one line every time she talks, "I am willing to work to create a loving healthy marriage where both of our needs are met".
When she starts talking about how she doesn't love you, ask "would you like a glass of water?"

wayward fog disassembled and decoded
NEVER take the word of a wayward
FEMALE wayward fig disassembled and decoded
Craziest Things to come out of a waywards piehole

Thanks and its good to here that this is all normal and yes good response,

thanks brainhurts will have a sit and read through all these

Ok point noted i had actually thought my response was sincere and showing compassion towards her.


- Very very tough

- I wasnt searching for hope etc this was just what she said to me, having her "commit" to working on our marriage together wouldnt be like a message from the gods but i know that at least right now it wont happen.

[/quote] - Sorry this was really just be venting and letting my feelings out, if i dont do that here or to a friend on the phone i would exploded. I just try to take things day by day up and down, be thankful for every moment and that she is still here and work from there

small update, yesterday my wife and son went down to london for the day. On sunday my son had asked about me meeting them after work as i work in london and said i would have to speak to mum about it. She had said it would be ok to meet them and go to dinner etc (remember this is the first time the 3 of us have been out in public together alone for around 4-5 weeks, even though i have been trying to do this all summer)

so yesterday i ended up working from home instead due to work related things. I still was going to go and join them later in the afternoon, so got myself all smarted up and smelling nice etc and sent my wife a text saying i was about to leave and was she still ok with it. Her reply was yes she was fine with it.

So went and met them and had a pleasant afternoon walking around shops etc and then went for dinner. During dinner my son was playing about and had a mouthful of water he wouldnt swallow, next thing was he ended up covering me in it. To this my wife actually looked at me and laughed and we all ended up lauging and joking about it (first suprise of the day to see her so relaxed and laughing again with me)

I had got the train down to london and left my car, whereas my wife had driven to end of the tube line and taken the tube. The next surprise was that she offered to drive me back home to the station and pick up my car instead of me going back on the train. I know this doesnt sound like much but i know that been couped up in a car together has been a big thing for her which has avioded at all costs. So for her to offer to drive me back rather than take the train was another suprise and huge step again.

So it her appears her actions are starting to show some signs of something, not sure what yet but trying to be positive.

The final surprise of the day was after we got home, she went and got changed into what i expected would be her PJ's like she has been wearing since moving into the spare room. But she came out in a nightie and knickers, again very relaxed and didnt seem to have any issues been in them infrton of me (another action), she was showing her legs and knickers off to me.

thoughts & comments?

Dave its the exact same as courtship. You just keep going and enjoy the positive signs without presuming too much.

It all sounds good. But its how clean your side of the fence is that matters. Not her reactions.

I will say though, women are usually very aware of what they are showing off and why. And showing your knickers off is pretty intimate.

Yes i know and realise it like coutship again, i really do enjoy the positive signs as well.

So you think the fact that she wearing a nightie with knickers and not long pj's like she has all summer is something she is aware off and the fact she is letting me see her legs and knickers. Of course i say nothing and just observe and keep up my changes and not LB and fufill EN

AS said your day and how it ended are all good signs. Keep up the plan A.

Knickers?

What is this knickers?

Anything like knockers?

Please use English. Instead of English English.

Thank God for Google so you don't have to translate.

- thanks and keeping up plan A knickers is a british english term for ladies panties if that makes it easier lol

Another little update i have found out something more about the weasal OM. A couple we met socially threw OM but are not in the swinging scene we talking to me and asking how things were etc. I got chatting and told them the things that had gone on and also said to make sure he kept his wife away from the weasal as well. He reply was "she knows exactly what he is like he did it to her and her now ex".

A while later i spoke to her and she said her hubby had told her everything and that she was so sorry and knew eactyl what he will of been telling my wife as he had done it to her. Also she said that she had never told his wife that he had been visiting her as "friends" and having sex and that knowing what she knows now she is going to tell his wife.

Also she is going to call me later to have a chat and tell me everything that went on etc and how much of a weasel he was and is and what he will have been telling my wife. She said she doesnt want us to end up like she did as a result of him and that he will have tried to brainswash my wife like he did with her which she now sees. She wants to help us fix things and is preapared as well to have a chat with my wife to let her know what he has done before and what he does etc.

So far he has done this now to 4 couples including us, and seems to prey on vunrable women with marriage issues and woo and convinve them. Whilst non of this changes what i am doing in plan A it means that if this other women does tell his wife it could pretty much destroy him and his ways when she exposes it to his wife. Maybe she can help me and our marriage and at the right time talk to my wife to tell her everything as well.

As I read your post you need to remember that your actions are WORSE and more evil than the weasel OM.

Like a drug dealer that gets his kids hooked on drugs, then upset when they overdose you seem to be more upset at the OM than at yourself for bringing you wife into this "lifestyle".

I've re read your posts and would like to know if you have explained this to your children? Have you told them of what you have done (affair, swinging etc) and how wrong it is?

No we haven't told our son as at 11yo he is way too young to know or understand, I accept what your saying and have admitted it was wrong and now trying to work on saving my marriage. I am furious with him as he pretended to be my best friend and since like I said we are the forth couple he has fone this too. So if the latest couple I have spoke to can help us and talk to my wife that has to be a good thing