The response to exposure by WW or WH is "You shouldn't have done that. Nobody else needs to know what is going on in our marriage."
My answer and response to that is "Well POSOM or POSOW shouldn't have been in our marriage either.
*caveat - I'm just addressing this from the wayward wife - betrayed husband scenario. Betrayed wives can get away with saying just about anything they want because wayward husbands don't listen to them anyway
This won't work...not that you couldn't use it if she brings up exposure 10 times a day (in a carrot and stick approach), but it's a tad confrontational and requires the wayward wife to THINK (something they really aren't doing much of at the time). She's focused on YOUR behavior when she confronts you and doesn't give a darn about her behavior. She's busy using twisting your exposure actions into justifications and rationalizations for:
1. Cheating on you in the first place
2. Why OM was special
3. Why recovery will never work
4. why she could never fall in love with you again
5. why you irritate her so
Generally, you want her OFF that thinking train of dwelling on exposure and divert her mind back into the present. Two alternative (depending if you are going Carrot or Stick at the time and usually you'll have plenty of opportunities to defend your exposure).
A. Be Strong and Attractive:
1. "I'm fighting for this family and for you"
2. "you'll thank me one day"
3. "I won't apologize for fighting for this family and you"
4. "I thought you'd be happy about it...do you mean you're ashamed of your relationship with xyz"
5. "I'm glad you realize how wrong you were" When she says "what?" you say: "The fact you don't like exposure tells me that deep down you're embarrassed about it and knows it's shameful...that gives me hope that the kind and decent person I married is still in there somewhere"
B. WEAKER RESPONSE (but still OK sometimes as you don't want her to dwell on this and otherwise ruin a good conversation or evening out....waywards in early recovery will start to draw near you and then pull back purposefully by bringing something like this up in order to check any good feelings they may have towards you....for example, they may have great hyper-bonding sex with you and then cry and talk about exposure and how they don't think they can ever recover with you)
1. "Oops, my bad, you're right, things would be easier if I hadn't done that [exposure]"
2. "Ooops, I won't do it again"
3. "Oops, I thought you'd be happy about it"
4. "Yeah, you're right".....
*this may seem wishy-washy but so what?...it's not like you can 'un-expose' and if you're done exposing there's no need to defend it. Also, what's the sense of lecturing her about it being her fault and what-not, it's done. She's a foggy wayward at this point and "teaching her" isn't going to get you anywhere. She's not in love with at the moment so she's not going to respect your opinion anyway. Agree with her and MOVE ON to having a good time, meeting her never ending need for conversation (waywards often like to talk a lot because it drowns out their conscience) and/or talking about something else altogether.
Gotta run, hope this helps.
Mr. W
