yes, you did indicate emotional connection so that's good.

Please read/re-read friends and enemies of good conversation before bringing up the questionairres. Remember, as the MB spouse, we have to sell the program. Personally I like a soft sell; if I was ever in sales, I would not be very agressive. I agree with others that baby steps aren't necessarily the way to go, but quiet enthusiasm might be a good way to go.
Friend and Enemies of Good Conversation. Might even start by talking about that article, based on your DH's sentiments described above.

Have you read "how can a woman get the affection she needs" article here? and it's companion "how can a man get the sex he needs"

Surprises are GREAT in the movies. But they are not MB, so please be careful. They are essentially IB even as well-intentioned as they can be. If you have a habit of IB, you may have to address that with no more surprises in your relationship. Even birthday presents would be discussed prior for a couple of years. Read the chapter on IB.

You can't POJA a surprise. But POJA is better than surprises.

Sounds like you are sincerely both enthusiastic about your plan (yes?), so you are fine.

opt

Have you seen these?
Not Enough Time Together #2
The Question of the Ages: How Can a Husband Receive The Sex He Needs in a Marriage?
How to Meet the Needs for Affection #1

What does IB stand for?

He loved surprises when we were dating. Not sure what the articles have to do with this.

IB= Independent Behavior

Ok, but I am confused. Melody yells at me for not being direct enought. Now you tell me to do my original plan and not be direct... Is there an icon that shows me banging my head against the wall. I made all A's in school and what drives me crazy about this and parenting is that I can't make and A!! No one can tell me exactly what to do and that drives me nuts.

Here it is.
Where did I tell you any such thing?

You asked what IB was and I answered. I posted some articles that another poster mentioned for you to read.

Where did I tell you?

And on that how to get affection he has done 3, 4 and 5 every day since we have been married. He tells me he loves me several times a day.. We always kiss goodbye. He calls me to talk to me several times a day and says he loves me when he hangs up.

I can't figure out what I am supposed to do with the sex article.. It doesn't seem to apply

OOps, it was optimism that told me to do the soft sell. Sorry.

It's ok . That's why it may be a good idea to answer directly to the poster whom you are referring to.

But that is what I am doing on the Not enough time. I AM scheduling time... I'm having my 17yo babysit.

I think we were like the writers to a certain extent except we hadn't lost the love yet.. But we had forgotten to take time for each other.

I did see that you scheduled your UA time to almost 17.5 and so it seems like you're on the right track.

Dr. Harley and Joyce don't do surprises, as neither like them. A lot of marriages that have suffered from secret second lives (e.g. affairs) have decided similarly. But for reference Dr. Harley does say a couple can agree enthusiastically about surprises, if they both like them.

I always tell Prisca if a surprise is coming, and tell her where not to look, and tell her she's welcome to look if she wants to spoil the surprise.

Hello,

Well the surprise was a big hit! As we were leaving, I said this could be fun when the kids leave.. He smiled and said, "I was thinkine EXACTLY the same thing!" Which I have to tell you a funny. I had already told my oldest that they were welcome to call if they had a problem or needed something until 7pm. After that someone needed to be bleeding and/or dying. He grinned and promised to keep my 10yo daughter from calling. So, I had left my hubby to pay the bill with his birthday card with the hotel key inside. I went to the hotel and called the kids for one last minute check before we "went dark." My 15yo middle son got on the phone. " So what are you doing to do?" To which I just started laughing. He quickly backtracked " No mom, I didn't mean that ...I mean are you going to go to a movie or anything." I continued to laugh and said, "No, I think we are going to find plenty to do and I really don't think you want me to answer that question.." He kept trying to backtrack, then gave up and handed the phone to his sister.

Last week was good. We spent 16 1/2 hours of UA. This week is going to be harder. We will see if we make it. We've spent 4 hours so far, but he is on call today and this weekend so we'll see. We did discuss the EN questionnaires. Turns out I had misinterpreted his rankings ( he hadn't ranked..I just looked at what he wrote) He actually had 1 Honesty, 2 Affection 3 Family Commitment 4 Sex and 5 Attractive Spouse. At first this felt really akward and I felt bad because he kept giving me perfect scores and mine were at 0 or -1.. He did apologize about needing an attractive spouse and I wonder if that should have been higher. He said he didn't want to put pressure on me, but that was weird and he needed that. I told him not to apologize and reiterated that I needed his help since my metabolism wouldn't let me eat what he could eat.. Then, I still think domestic support should be up there. He said this isn't all my fault ( a lot of it is the kids) but he can't stand it when he comes homes on Wednesdays and the dishes are all over the place, crumbs are on the counter, bread is open in the pantry, etc.. The problem is that I am typically home for an hour on Wednesday. The boys are there by themselves and I am not there to say.."Hey, come put your dishes in the dishwasher... Come wipe up your mess, etc.) I then told him I felt like I was hitting a moving target as far as the domestic support goes. I would work on some area only to have him come home not notice what I had done and gripe about a different area. So he agreed that keeping the kitchen spotless and the playroom area straight would be the two main areas I would make sure were done when he came home. I still think he should have ranked domestic support higher because that is one thing that seems to drive him nuts. Grin, I remember when we were first married. He tried to get me to hang up his shirts so they were facing exactly the same way and in a particular order. We ended up compromising. I would hang things up immediately so that they were not wrinkled. He can move things around to the right order or facing whatever way he desires if he wants to . ( He doesn't anymore.) I'll post my questions in the next post.

Regarding the dishes and such, do you have a chore chart for the kids?
I have one for my younger kids and teenagers should be picking up after themselves

Ok, I still think I need to start a new thread because this topic has NOTHING to do with the original one. But since I got yelled at for starting too many threads, I will continue here..

I didn't give him any new assignments. Other than we talked SEVERAL times over the weekend about how he spends his time that even though he considers himself home he does things by himself not really with us. We talked about what his priorities were. I asked him what were his highest priorities and he said me and the kids. So then I asked him to look at how he spent his time to see if that truly reflected his priorities. Then he talked about how he hoped that by cutting back his hours he would alleviate some of the stress he felt. I told him he needed to be intentional about how he used his "free time." that he spent it on things that mattered to him and that would help his stress ( like having fun) not stress him out.

He only put 11 things on his to do list over this past weekend. ( AS opposed to his usual 50) and 3 of those things involved me or the children. One of his projects on his list was to build the giant windmill that he got for Christmas a couple of years ago. He taught the boys how to use the circular saw and they cut all the wood. My daughter and I treated it with weather protector. Then yesterday we each took turns helping him build it. It isn't done yet, but we have a good start. We had some of those conversations I mentioned above while just he and I were working on it.

The Harleys sent me Love Busters for sending a question that they answered last week. I got it Saturday and finished reading it yesterday. The one that actually sounded the most like us is the couple at the beginning of dishonesty Jennifer and Ed. ( Though our issues were different neither one of us felt we had a right to complain as we could see the other person's side.) We are both protector liars though my husband values honesty and believes he is an honest person. ( He is a man of integrety and would not lie, EVER but he might not say something to protect me which Dr. Harley says is dishonest.)

So I don't think either of us makes selfish demands, disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts. Independent behavior I am much more guilty of. He always tells me his schedule and checks with me. I just haven't been honest in the past to say.. "No, I really want to do this." As I would think that he had worked so hard and deserved to go to ... or do.... project." But I would try hard to do what I think was best for me or the kids' school and he would just have to adjust.

Now here are the two things that bug me about him but I am not sure where they go. I will give you an example from this weekend. I know he likes his study to be neat and the closet in there was a mess from the kids and I get things in and out. So on Thursday, I cleaned it out and organized it. Well Saturday morning, we were both up at 5. Though we stayed in bed until 6 cuddling and talking. Then he got up and went to work in his study. He called me in to help me organize the cabinet beneath the printer. And yes, it was a mess. So we took everything out, organized it, threw things away, etc. Since I am trying to be honest, I said afterwards, "Did you notice the closet?" "Yes, he said I opened it expecting things to fall on my head and couldn't believe it!! It looked great." UGGH.. that just made me mad and I did tell him that yesterday when we discussed our EN questionnaires. I said when you make fun of stuff like that it makes me feel like I am horrible at housekeeping because I am. But I had spent so much time doing that for you and my number one need is admiration so rather than cracking a joke, I need you to ooh and aah. When you react like that, I just get really discouraged. He apologized and said that when I have done something like that I need to bring him by the hand and show it off to him because half the time he doesn't notice it. ( He only notices things that are out of order...)

Second pet peeve is this: being responsible for things the kids do. On Friday, my middle on asked if he could meet with the youth minister for an hour or so. I told him it was fine with me but he needed to check with his father to see what he thought and what he had planned. So later he tells me that dad said it was ok and his brother takes him to meet with him. My husband comes in a little while later really mad. "Where did the boys go?" I explained the earlier conversation. "Yes, I told him he could go once he weeded the front bed and added the mulch. It looks like they weeded but there is no mulch. Why did he go?" I had absolutely no idea about this agreement. He does this all the time. He will ask the boys to do something and they will "forget." He gets mad and asks me to talk to them. Now in this case he called them on their cell phone, but normally it is when he is leaving at 6am to go to work that he will notice oldest forgot to empty the trash or one of them left the bread open or whatever. And I need to talk to them... I feel like anything the kids don't do is somehow my responsiblity. He says it isn't but that is how his actions make me feel. I didn't train them well enough to clean up after themselves. ( Which is true...)

So where does that go???

I thought I might do the dishonesty chapter first. Then annoying habits. He doesn't have any, but I know I have a few ( biting my nails.. I honestly don't know how to stop that...)
Then independent behavior and finally the chapter on resolving conflicts over career choices and time management.

How does that sound?

When they were little I did. And yes, they should be but if I don't say anything, they don't. I've considered taking away their ipod or cell phones but that seems a little extreme for leaving crumbs on the counter o the bread open. To me, that kind of punishment should be reserved for disrespectful behavior or breaking some kind of rule. Which the middle one has trouble with disrespect and has lost his phone a couple of times but honestly they don't break rules. They are just messy and my hubby doesn't understand that. His furniture at his house is in pristine condition. His parents have all of his original toys in their original boxes with all of the pieces including his Alamo playset.. I'm not sure any of their toys have all the original pieces and he can't understand that.

No comments on the plan? Did you see how honest I was with him about how he spent his time! We also negotiated well on the how to meet each other's emotional needs. He has really been working hard at meeting them! So any comments about my love buster questions? I plan to give him that questionnaire this weekend.

Did you ever decide to email Dr.Harley?

I e-mailed him about how to be honest.

Has he responded?