just to share of my situation, unfortunately i am single, never been married, but i was in one of the most idealic relationships, we got along so well, we laughed and we fought, but above all we really loved each other, he had a baby girl the time we met, and she was only a year old then... we dated for 2 years, and broke up beginning of this year, he broke up with me for reasons i thought didnt really call for that, my heart was really broken and i just had a hard time coping, its been 8months now, have never hooked up with anyone since, and just a couple of weeks ago, he started calling me and making small conversation and just letting me know how he has been progressing, i dont mind all this but i think i am still inlove with him, he called me on monday and told me his daughter is in town visiting and she has been asking for me, he would really like it if i were to see him before she goes back, a friend of mine is getting married on the 15th of Sept and he asked me if i will be going, its in another town, 5hours drive from where we live, and he said i could hitch a ride with him.

i dont want to read too much into it, as i dont want to be heartbroken again, i believe you guys are experts with relationship, i am 27 and this is the man i wanted to walk down the isle with, he is the one i wanted to be the father of my kids, he is a good man, but i cant put myself through that again

the advice i am asking for is; how do i handle it, i had told myself to just go with the flow and time will tell, but how do i handle it if he wants to get back together, i have been told that trying to get back with someone you broke up with is difficult, but how do i handle those challenges, i want a meaningful relationship and i had told myself that the next man i get with is going to be my husband, what if God is trying to say, this is the man for you. during that time, while i was nursing my heartache this site really taught me a lot and i thought i had it figured out, what to look for in my next relationship, i feel like i know this guys too well, and i really wonder how i would make him do all those things that i know are important to get a relationship goin? i wouls really like your help, because i feel like if God is trying to give me this chance, this time around i would like to do it right,

Welcome to MB.

Have you read these?
Preparing For Marriage
Choosing the Right One to Marry #1
Choosing the Right One to Marry #2

You have your answer there.


Love is created by emotional needs being met. Which of your most important emotional needs did he meet?

Affection?
Admiration?
Conversation?
Domestic Support?
Financial Support?
Sexual Fullfillment?
Recreational Companionship?
Physical Attractiveness?
Honesty and Openness?
Family Commitment?

PG,
Fortunately, God did you one better. He gave you all the tools you need to make an informed decision and even follow your heart at the same time.

You have been reading so that's good. But it appears to me you have some more reading to do.

I would suggest, in addition to Brainy's links above, **EDIT**. This will explain my statement above.

We are not experts in relationships -- Dr. Harley is, and we all came here for the same basic reasons. We admit we really don't know how to do relationships; our plans failed and we are looking for a better plan. We feel that Dr. Harley's plan is a good one, and we come here to get support and help each other follow it as it's not always easy.

Have you read Buyers Renters and Freeloaders?
What do you know of all the basic concepts here? Is your ex BF someone you feel would be willing to enter into an MB relationship this go-around? With radical honesty, 15-20 hours of UA, and identifying /meeting all of your ENs? How about you, are you ready to follow a real plan for your next relationship?

Did you know that Dr. Harley recommends dating up to 30 different people prior to settling down and thinking about marriage? What do you think of that?

Have you listened to the radio show? Doing this daily for a while may increase your perspective on MB relationships and how Dr. Harley/Joyce envision marriage.

**EDIT**
~Optimism

I would be very cautious with this guy. If he broke up with you once, he's liable to do it again and you shouldn't let him back in unless he is upfront with you about wanting and working towards what you want (ie, marriage and family). If he is wishy washy about considering engagement, run, don't walk away from this guy because he'll just end up wasting your time and causing more heartache. Also, you two should consider the impact your presence has on his daughter. That is, is she attached to you from when you and her father were dating and would your reappearance cause her hopes to rise and then be dashed if you two don't end up together?

thanks a lot for the advice guys.
@ Brainy interms of my emotional needs

Affection?
Conversation?
Recreational Companionship?
Honesty and Openness?

the ones i ledt our where the ones that i felt he lacked on meeting them, but i guess it was also contributed to by the fact that we really didnt talk much about serious things, we were just in a relationship and i guess we never even discussed the future of the relationship, and at the end he felt like i was not serious about him, i was not yet ready for settling down, yet i felf the same way about him, i felt like he just wanted to company not a lifetime partner, but the other emotional needs i didnt complain, however the ones i left one are the ones which are the most important to me, i always felt like there was a barrier between us, like i was somehow scared of him to express myself, which led to me keeping somethings to myself and then feeling like he really doesnt have a role in my life, coz i didnt feel the difference he made, besides being a good man, and i know that he will be a good father.

Maybe i am impatiend and sometimes i have panick attacks and wonder if i will ever meet the right guy, if i'll ever get married and i really dont want these fears to be the ones that i end up settling for my ex, though i think i guineunly love him, i just had to come seek advice from people that i believe have gone through the same situations and know better.

@optimism i think he is willing to learn, maybe i just never gave him the chance, i never told him what really made me unhappy, we tried to hard to succeed that in the end we forgot to just live and just be comfortable with each other.

@JtotheC my biggest fear is also that what if he breaks up with me again, coz i really dont think i have the energy for a new relationship, i dont think i have the time and energy to get to know a new guy,

i have a full time job working as a portfolio manager, i own a business consultancy company which i ran myself, i am a financial advisor for another firm, which means i really dont have time to get to know someone else, he understands me and he encouraged all my plans, now i want to do my CFA and i know he would help me with running my other company. he is 31 and financially stable, and i think we make a good team, we get along as friends, but as lovers...smh!! thats where i fear we might fail again and this time it will spoil the friendship we have managed to create after 7months of no contact. he is best friend with one of my close cousins, and he never told them why we broke up, but over the weekend he visited my cousin to confide in him that he still really misses me, but he wouldnt want to complicate my life if i have already moved on.

thank you brainhurts, reading the links you gave me, i really wish for a bit of insight on what to do, we have been talking more often for in the past week, he calls me 3 times a day, but i am scared to call him, since i am trying to figure out what i want, i dont want to give him the wrong impression that maybe we on the same page, at the same time,i would like for him to know that there is no one, i am terribly scared he will hurt me, but i love him, i dont want to rush into anything, really wish it was all just black and white. at 27 it was my first heart break, i thought i was invisible, thought no man would ever break up with me, and he was the first, i dont know if its my bruised ego that really wants to get back with him, just to prove to myself that i wasnt rejected... just thought id share the how the real situation is so that the advice you guys give me is based on how all is. i just realised that in the first note i did not mention why he broke up with me, 8 years ago during my gap year i picked up smoking, i went to school in South Africa for 5years and met friends that smoked and it just became a habit, on returning home in 2009 Nov, i told myself that i was gonna quit smoking, i met him in December and smoking in Botswana for women is more like a taboo... its seen as a negative thing, so i managed to stop smoking for a few months, i relapsed and now i started hiding it from him that i smoke, so all the time we fought id go home, so that i could smoke away from him, this put a strain in our relationship, a year ago, i made a new friend from work and she smoked, we hang around a lot together, so i started smoking more often, it was also becoming impossible to hide it, as all the time he would kiss me, he would smell traces of cigarrettes, and he asked me time and time again if i smoked and id always come up with and excuse, 'i lit for a friend, just took a drag,' endless excuses, i guess he just thought i just started and he would help me before i got really addicted to smoking, little did he know. In jan 2012 the 17th, he came to my house as a surprise, i had just had a smoke and i wasnt expecting him, he walked in to give me a kiss and as you can imagine i wrecked of cigarrettes, he left to go watch soccer at a friends place and he called me to ask me, 'if i am a smoker' i sent him a message to confess that i have been smoking for 8 years, tried to quit and i failed, so yes i am a smoker...

guess he could deal with revelaation, i know that my smoking had taken its toll on our relationship, but i thought we were too strong to withstand anything, i told him coz i was tired of the lie, and the questions and him sulking all the time he smelt traces of cigarrettes on me. it has been 9weeks now since i toucched a cigarrette, and this time i was doing it for myself, i had no hope that we would ever get back together, i had long healed and gave up on him and was sure he has moved on as rumor in town had it, but out of 10, besides the smoking issue, our relationship was a 7.5 pretty good.

now thats my story

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

He broke up with you because you were not honest with him. He probably felt that if you could not be open and honest on this matter, there would be a risk of you hiding more important things and you did hide important things didn't you? In your first posting you state that you did not tell him about your true feelings for him.

You cannot prevent yourself from getting hurt but you will never have a successful relationship until you learn to put yourself out there openly and honestly. The right man will accept you for who you are. A relationship that starts on this footing has a far better chance of surviving.

Absolutely.
Honesty is very important.
One of the 10 Commandments.

Also a important MB principle.

But MB encourages single people to date many others so you can compare and contrast.

A recommended book is Buyers Renters and Freeloaders by Dr Harley