I have no questions, just wanted to say that me and WH have been reading on here for several weeks now. I feel that it is helping us tremendously. Thanks!!!

Here's our story:
- Separated late Jan 2012. Said we would not date others at this point.
- I went on a business trip 1/23 to 1/26.
- I went on a business trip again 2/27 to 3/2.
- He had been declining into deep depression and was there by the time of my 2nd trip.
- He stayed @ home several times during worst part of his depression.
- I went on a business trip 5/5 to 5/9 (I almost never travel, so this is unusual).
- Partial d-day on 6/6. He said he was "dating" (we're learning to communicate in more specific ways - because he assumed I'd know that it meant he was having sex with her).
- 6/8 we met for lunch and I said I was ready to divorce. Didn't think he really wanted to try. Felt he was blocking my efforts, not committed to trying. Felt his actions spoke much louder than words, and there weren't many positive words.
- I went to visit my parents, 500+ miles away, alone that weekend while he stayed with the kids.
- Tuesday 6/12 he revealed that it was a PA/EA. After talking for hours, crying, and finally hugging - I still didn't want to give up.
- He moved back home 6/13 or 14.
- He would not fully commit to recovery. He kept talking about pros n cons of divorce, of staying together, what childcare would be like, and such. Lots of discussion about his fears, anxiety, depression.
- He went to see his sick father for a few days, about 160 miles away.
- Somewhere along this point in time I told him I was considering having him stay at the apartment because I was an emotional wreck with his roller coaster. He talked me out of it (not sure if that's what he was trying to do, but that is what ended up happening.)
- He went to IL end of July. He seemed distant and distracted most of the times we talked.
- His dad died 8/2. During that time he had recontacted OW for emotional support. She is a nurse and new more about the condition his father had. I felt he was blocking me. He went to her that Friday, had sex, and would not commit to leaving me.
- It was about this time that he started reading this site more & more. I had sent him a link, but hadn't really explored much. Since I had talked about sending him to the appartment, he told me about Plan A & Plan B.
- About 16th Aug I found out he'd gone back to her. I asked a vague question about contact with her or about affairs in general and he admitted to it all. Also admitted that there was another affair shortly before we separated, where they were together a handful of times. She went back to her husband.
- We've been married 19 years and I had never told him about some EAs / PAs I had while I was overseas on miliatary assignment. We were engaged at the time. I revealed those to him so that we could get it all out on the table.
- He gave me the main ones 1st name and we started talking more about her. Earlier I didn't want to know much about her, but it was good to learn more. It made her more real and less of an idol in my mind. We decided to work together to have him go no contact.
- 8/18 I looked in his email (I have NEVER snooped before) and there happened to be an email from her with her last name. I looked her up on Facebook and sent a PM.
- She is single and only entered the relationship because he said he was separated and getting a divorce.
- There was a week or so of her being difficult by posting teasers on FB (he didn't block her and she wouldn't block him). Now she is so pissed off that it would be a miracle she'd take him back if we split up.
- Now I think he's nearing the mid-point of his withdrawal from her.

Hi Leanie, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would have this moved over to the Surviving an Affair forum, because it doesn't sound like you are in recovery yet. In order to recover your husband has to end all contact with the OW and tell you the full truth about this affair and other affairs.

He needs to eliminate his means of contact with this woman, ie: delete facebook, change his cell phone #s, email, etc and give you all the passwords to his phones, voicemail, email. He needs to be completely transparent.

Dr Harley suggest sending a no contact to the OW. I will post the letter below.

It sounds like he is a serial cheater and that there might be more affairs in his past? Would he be willing to take a polygraph?

If his past OW was married, I would take the time to call her husband and inform him of the affair. Dr Harley recommends exposure of affairs, so you would also want to expose the affairs to your children, family members and close friends. The more people who know, the more people to hold your husband accountable and give you the support you need.

Leanie, how does your husband hook up with these women? Dr Harley recommends eliminating the means of developing affairs. So if he pursued women on a computer, get rid of the computer OR set it up so he can only be online when you are right there.

Another glaring problem is your travel. Traveling without your spouse is an invitation to an affair so Dr Harley has a rule: no overnight travel without your spouse.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

The first one was while he was out with co-workers, which was a regular happening in the past, but no longer. RC is tied with SF for his top emotional needs. I was meeting the SF need adequately, but not the RC need. We have babysitters now, so I am covering that need much better.

I have already declined business trips, so no problem there.

We have both requested no contact with OW, but WH has still not blocked her. His reasoning is that he could just un-block her and contact her again. Too easy. We've both asked her to block him and know that she hasn't on FB, at least.

WH is reluctant to give accounts & passwords - but I'm pretty sure he will give them to me tonight.

Not interested in a polygraph. If it comes to that - I'm gone!!!

We've done minor exposure, but nothing with the first OW. 2nd OW was not married. My parents and siblings know, his important sibling knows, not our kids. I don't think I will tell them unless it keeps happening, and then probably only our older one. Younger one has developmental delays & wouldn't fully understand. And a couple of close friends know.

Good!

We have both requested no contact with OW, but WH has still not blocked her. His reasoning is that he could just un-block her and contact her again. Too easy. We've both asked her to block him and know that she hasn't on FB, at least.[/quote]

This means he is not serious about ending contact. All he has to do is delete facebook. End of problem!


Again, a huge red flag that indicates he is not serious. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. I would be putting a keylogger on his computer and spyware with a built in GPS on his phone.

A wayward who is not transparent is a wayward who is not sincere and who is dangerous to you.

These are basic extraordinary precautions that are designed to protect you from a repeat affair. They are not negotiable so I would lay out your conditions to him and insist he abide.

Otherwise, this is hopeless. The conditions that allowed him to carry on a secret second life have to be changed in order to recover.


A polygraph is a very valuable tool in ensuring you have the full truth. In order to move forward, you need to have the full truth. A polygraph is an excellent way to determine if he is telling hte truth.

I predict if you insist on a polygraph, that he will pre-emptively confess other affairs.


I would be sure and call the first OW's husband and tell him all about the affair. He needs to know the truth so he can protect himself and his children from your husband and his wife. This is pertinent information about his life that is likely being withheld from him.



I would tell your children all your husband's affairs. This affects their lives in a great way and giving them false explanations for the source of tension in the home teaches them dishonesty. It is likely they have seen something and are very confused about it. If they know your husband is a cheater, they can also help hold him accountable. Everyone should know about his affairs. That is therapeutic for you, your husband and your children.

Does he still work with this OW?

He doesn't work with her. She was a friend of a co-worker.

Oh good.

Have you told OW1's BH?