Don't tell him anything.

Ditto! Wish I wad there to help you pack

Wow, 6877, you are showing such strength. I know you have fears about this, but just know that you can do this. You can do this!!!! You are a strong woman who deserves to be treated so much better than your WH has treated you. You were fine before you met him, you will continue to be fine!!! Just breathe!!! You are doing what is best for yourself now.

Here is my plan b letter...I did steal from other people's as well.

Dear D,
I want you to know how much I love you! This letter is one of the hardest things I�ve ever had to put together and It�s taken weeks for me to get up the courage. This letter is truly out of necessity for me and A****, for us as a couple.
I really believe in our marriage and I would do anything to put the love back in our eyes, to put trust back in our hearts. I want to stay married and build something that maybe you�ve never known. Definitely something we have never known, together.
I realize I have not been a perfect partner to you. I�m trying to learn how to be a better person for myself and for us. I want to be someone you are proud to call your wife.
The pain that your relationship with L*** has caused is unbearable for me to handle any longer. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don�t want that.
It is b/c of your continued relationship with L**** that you and I must have no kind of contact at all. From here on out we will be communicating through K**** email. Her email address is - >>>>>> She has a agreed to be the �middle man� for us. I will not communicate with you in any other way. Should you try to contact me another way, it will be forwarded or given to K**** without me looking at it. She will pull out what is needed for each of us to know.
When you do decide to end your relationship with L*** here are the things I would need to reconcile:
*No contact with Leah for life. (No contact letter will be written by you and approved by me and I will send it in the mail.)
*A full confession. (Polygraph will be taken, I do not deserve any more lies or secrets. That will not be how a live a marriage. Everything and anything is forgivable, but not if you can�t claim it.)
*Marriage Builders recovery plan.
*Proof that you�ve gone to R*** H*** to get evaluated. What there ideas are and how I would be involved.
*Access to all accounts (FB, email, bank, anything and everything)
*Phone bill comes to the house (I get to make an online account so I can see the actual bill)
Once you have ended your relationship with L**** and are willing to reconcile I will talk to you. Your words at this point mean nothing, only your actions will prove what you want to happen to us. I would do anything to rebuild this marriage and to live a long life with you. I�ve loved you for six years and I continue to love you as a write this letter.

Your loving wife

I have basically everything in order except packing his stuff and me leaving tomorrow. Tomorrow will be hectic. I do have a hair appointment so maybe I will do something differant, just to start over.

What is the part about going to R***H*** for evaluation?
What type of evaluation?

He had made an appointment to go to an addiction center to see if he had a sexual addiction or something else going on with him. He of course never went b/c he is still in contact with her. He has cheated on everyone in his whole life so he knows something is wrong.

I'd delete the last sentences as the "doing anything" implies some subtle desperation that I doubt you mean to convey.

Something is wrong by your moral standards, not necessarily his. Be careful in having him diagnosed with "something" that removes personal accountability.

Some people are just dumb sh*ts.

Okay, thanks. Makes sense. I doubt he will be able to follow through with any of these things. One last ditch effort I guess on my part.

I agree Northwood. I have a lot of work to do on myself. Honestly I have no idea where to get help. NO normal human being sits through 4 affairs and then still wants to be with that person. Just me. Screwed up me!

But now you are taking a stand for yourself, feel proud of that. You deserve so much more. Don't worry about what he does or doesn't do, that is his to own. Take care of you!

~RQ

Yes, we all know at least one

Take the high road.
He will be furious but stand your ground.
There are spouses on here that have been talked into open marriages and swinging lifestyles and a few years later they are full of regret.

You are correct that you have personal issues to deal with.
It is not healthy to be so attached to someone that continually hurts you.

He probably is a sex addict and there really isn't a way to fix that. They have a 12 step program called Sex Addicts Anonymous but people with these types of addictions and personality disorders usually end up divorced

They are so self centered they are unable to be in a mutually caring relationship.

Consider yourself lucky you found out and acted so soon.

My aunt found out her husband had a black book with te names of escorts and the different sex acts they performed. She never knew how much money he made at his 30 year career and he spent most of it on sex girls. She divorced him but was so codependent on him they later got back together. She decide to just ignore and pretend everything was okay. You dont want to end up like her.

Do the Plan B and take care of yourself

I am very codependent, I have to figure it out.
HDW: That is not what I want from my life. That's awful. Yes he wants me to look the other way. His dad and mom are that way. His mom looks the other way as his dad sleeps with everyone!!
I do deserve more. I sit here faithful and devoted to him. He deployed for a year and I was still faithful, yet he wasn't. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.
I am lucky though, I have an amazing support group.

So his parents live in adultery.
The cycle goes on and on.
Learned behavior. Kids learn by example, that's why you can't have kids with him because they will seek out similar relationships

Divorce the bum.

Trying Everything: I think I just might!

6877

If he is a sex addict that addiction will always win out over your M.



In other writings Dr H said when a couple first came to him he evaluated either for any addictions before he began any counseling. The addicition would prevent any progress because the active addict coud not be thoughtful enough to make changes necessary which is a requirement to even attempt any type of M recovery.

Thats also why counseling during an active A seldom works.

There is no use wasting money on any type of M counseling if you suspect this is active addiction. If your H seeks counseling on his own and follows through then it could be a different story. In a post you said he talked about seeking help but so far has not.

I recommend 2 books that helped me along the way with why I stayed tooooo long in my M to an alcoholic.

Codependent no more-Melody Beattie
Boundaries by Cloud/Townshed

These two books may help you personally and I only suggest reading them as you mention codependency and possible sex addiction.

Stay strong!

nESRE

nesre - Thank you for the book suggestions. I will be sure to read them both. I want the help! Yes, he has mentioned getting help, he even has made an appointment before but he still doesn't go. Hopefully he goes someday for himself, but not before he screws over the OW, ha ha!
I need prayers tomorrow and the next couple of weeks. Pray for G, that I know my worth.
Plan B - 9/5/12