I will try to give readers digest verson.
12/2006 WH confesses to discusting affair that happened some time in 2004. (never got all details because he was..so..ashamed, gag)I find MB basic consepts & tell him what I need. Agreed to it. My errors were not signing up, posting & getting help. I thought "I know him better than anyone" Honeymoon phase lasted about 4 months. Less than 2 years later find womans g-string panties in his work bag. He had no clue who put them there, must have been his boss to get him in trouble. He moves out soon after, he can't take the fighting. I need to fix me. He leave for about 6 weeks.
10/2010 Get the speach. Snoop & find out about affair. He says leaving after holidays. I confront 01/2011, Ask him if he is going to end affair & work on marriage. His responce "We talked about this. We were waiting until after the holidays." Guess I wasn't clear on what one, lol! I told him to leave. He moved his [censored] back in 1 week later. Got the "This is my home & my kids are here" speach. After many weeks of hell & banging my head against the wall I grew some. After begging him to leave "NO" asking for the keys to the TH he bought with our money "NO" I took drastic measures. When the 6'5" BIG officer came to the door & had a chat with him he never slept there again. That was the death of any love I had for him.
He did come and go at first then started waiting for kids in driveway.
D was dragged out for well over a year. 6/2011 he introduced OW to kids as a new friend. The older 3 knew better. MIL passed that same month. I was VERY close to her & I'm more of a sister to his siblings than he is a brother. I told them wouldn't be going to funeral. Didn't want to make it uncomfortable & needed to protect my emotional state. WH chose this time to introduce OW to his family. Kids were mortified. WH text kids he was engaged 01/2012 (D wasn't final until 3/2012 although M was over many years ago) They were married last weekend. They planned it for my weekend. Very secretive, kids only knew date not location. OW posted that information on his FB wall when they got back. He deleted it, hmmm what ever. Our house going short sale closing 09/11/2012. Mom & Dad bought small condo for us (Love them!) Kids & I are so happy to be out of the house of lies that WH built. We are loving our new place.

I now realize it wasn't his affairs or his drug use that was the issue. I drove myself crazy trying to figure things out for years. Getting away from him was the best thing for me and the kids. He is a narcissit. I'm not saying that out of bitterness, I really mean it. He beat me down verbally, emotionally & phycologically until I was a shell of myself. After many months being away from him the old me started to come back. EVERYONE including the kids who knew me longterm saw it & realized how bad he beat me down. Kids also now realize I was unknowingly a buffer from his abuse. They see him for who he really is now. We have a happy, calm fun home life now. That just makes it all to clear to all of us how toxic he was. They also confided in me some things he did when they were younger that I didn't know about. Head games.

Through all that I can proudly say "I am an awesome mom!" My kids are amazing, smart, kind people because of me & despite him. Would never dare to say that a couple of years ago, lol!

Thanks for the update. I'm so happy you're doing well. Here's to you.

This board was wonderful for me but because of the abuse I needed to "fix me" else where. lol! Besides WH... oh I mean XWH took all the money & had the control so we didn't have internet for a year. Took a judge to order him to do the right thing. Now we have a new home, new life & internet!

So are there any words of lessons you could give to fellow posters?

Since your XWH was an addict you had no choice to separate.

Yea.
That's really the message I learned from AlAnon.
To stop focusing on my wayward wifes actions and focus on how I respond to them.
In unhealthy codependent relationships we loose our minds and our worlds fall apart from adultery. But when we step back and focus on ourselves we can say good riddance and be content With our own self improvement

Do I EVER!
#1-Take the advice of the posters, especially the Vets. At first it may seem wrong to you but they are right. They have no reason to lead you the wrong way. Quite the opposite.

#2-Take the word "but" out of your vocabulary. Especially in sentences like the following: "I understand what you're saying BUT I know my WS" NO YOU DON'T!

#3- Plan A doesn't = doormat.

#4- Reverse babble can be fun

#5- Exposure works. Yes there will be some WS can snowball but they aren't your friends. I made HUGE mistake not exposing DDay 1. Ended up his word against mine. Of course in the end my word was believed.


I'm sure there is more but that's a start.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

I think I will elect myself the poster child of what not to do.

Do you think you were ever in a false recovery?

The whole time from 12/2006 was a false recovery. There was no recovery, just 6 years of BS, lies, blameshifting etc.

That's what I thought.

Could you please add your hind sight here False Recovery?

Okie Dokie! Will read some first.

Just read it, I could write a novel.

Yes please put it down. It could help others.

lg! How nice to hear from you! I've thought of you over the past year, and wondered how you were doing. It sounds like you are in a very good place now. Well done on your personal recovery!

hi lglg. i don't know you from before, but wanted to thank you for coming back and posting. it'll really help around here; there seem to be a plethora of truly awful WSs around, and so, so many affairs :O(

congratulations on your new life!