Complete honesty regarding my WW's 5-year affair with a former co-worker is just coming to light. Our original DD was approximately 12-years ago but she denied everything at the time. Deep down I always felt that there was more to the story than I had been told & the underlying turmoil haunted me until just recently when I was able to share with her the lasting effects of what I believed had happened. She finally came clean with me.

She changed jobs after the original DD and we car pooled to work so I was able to more closely monitor her activity. I also monitored her cell phone activity and our home phone activity with no reason to believe there was any further contact since DD. Furthermore, we have relocated 120 miles away from our old community so I know incidental contact is not possible. Bottom line, I'm confident there has been no further contact.

Our relationship is better now than ever.

My question is, considering that it has been 12-years since last contact, should we contact the OM's wife to make her aware of what happened during the 5-year affair? I feel like taking ownership of your actions includes confession to all affected and that she has a right to know. My wife is agreeable to contact her as she believes it will help in our healing and closure process.

Again, my concern is whether this lady needs to know about this so many years later or would we be bringing unnecessary pain upon her? (We know they are still married.)

Welcome to MB.

Yes please inform her.

You will not be bringing pain to her. You will merely be bringing the truth. The pain was initiated all those years ago by her WH, and only now will it hit her.

How about this:

Several years ago the lady in question was in a car-wreck that left her comatose and without her left leg. She now shows signs of leaving the coma. Should you prevent her gaining consciousness because of the trauma of finally knowing she has only one leg?

Yes, I would tell her. Wouldn't you want to know? I know I would. She has probably wondered for years what really happened because people usually sense when they are being lied to about their lives.

Sure, it will hurt, but people are not made happy or secure by living lies and illusions. If I were you, I would ask your wife to write out a synopsis of the affair, ie: timelines, etc and you should be the one to deliver it.

The OMW will be devastated so please be as caring as possible in the way you deliver the news. And you will also have to do it in a way that is not intercepted by the OM. For example, you might call her and identify yourself and tell her about the affair. Offer to email her your wife's outline of the affair.

And you are very correct in that this will help in your healing process. But there are many, many more steps to recovering a marriage after an affair. Please get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program outlined in there. If your marriage is not better AFTER the affair then you are still vulnerable to an affair. I understand your wife is remorseful, but remorse is not enough to prevent a repeat affair.

Blane,

Yes do OMW a favor, there is little doubt that OM has lied as well about the intensity/extent of the affair, a 5 year affair is an enormous event in a marriage and OMW needs to know that she should be more vigilant in monitoring her WH.

How I wish I would get a phone call from OMW or OM someday.

And yes it is good as part of your W's making amends to those she harmed.

How widely exposed was the affair at the time of it's discovery?

God Bless
Gamma

Yes. Expos� and inform

My aunt, married for more than 30 years kind out her husband ha been having multiple affairs.
Betrayed spouses have a RIGHT to know when their spouse is unfaithful. That enables them to make informed decisions

Like others have said your wife does timeline/details, you make sure she gets it.
My aunt went through nearly 30 years of thinking there was something wrong and small town talk of her husband fooling around only to be told by him she was "imangining things". It was only after the last OW of many pushed him and he asked for divorce did he finally admit the truth. The sooner she had learned the truth, the sooner she could have tried to fix marriage or get out.
She needs to know.
dan

Gamma,

Thanks for your reply. My W is adament that only she and the OM know about the A. The two worked for the same small company but their offices were in two seperate buildings located two miles apart - they didn't have common coworkers who would see them interact in the office. Their first sexual encounter was at a local hotel; thereafter it was always at a very secluded park in an industrial area of town. She insists that they never met at our home, his home, or any other dwelling. She insists that they never met in any public place where they may have been seen together.

Are you going to tell OMW?

Yes, tell her.

Her husband may be concealing other affairs too.

I would concur with the advice given to tell the OM's wife, but with the caveat that you should handle that contact yourself, and that your wife should not be involved in it. Given the news you'll be delivering, your wife's participation in the discussion likely will not be a source of any comfort to this woman; and your wife's participation is not necessary to convey the information. Furthermore, with your wife's involvement, there is more likelihood of a "trigger" aspect, and even a heightened risk of accidental resumption of contact with OM, which up to now your wife has reportedly been properly scrupulous in avoiding for these past 12 years.

The purpose of your discussion should be to give the woman (for her purposes) truth that she deserves to have, and to give you (for your purposes) a possible opportunity to cross-check some facts as you understand them to be, based on what your wife has told you.

However, helping your wife to feel better about your marital healing process should be no consideration here; that would be a selfish reason for her to want to speak to this woman. I would suggest that you should handle the information transaction yourself, unless (perhaps) the OM's wife expressly requests an opportunity to speak to your wife.

Yes, she deserves to know about the cancer that is festering in her marriage. And for all you know, she may have suspected something between your wife and her husband that has been haunting HER all these years. How do you know this, if you've moved 120 miles away and it's been 12 years since it happened?

She definitely deserves to know! 5 years! Was it sexual for the whole time?

On the original DDAY, what did your wife tell you? What did she now reveal?

During the original DDAY, did the OMW know anything? even if it was a trickle truth.