Husband and I have been trying to recover from his multiple affairs, and other wayward behaviors. There seems to be a struggle with trust. He kicks out the old adage, how can we have a relationship when you don't trust me. I explained that I would never give the same trust again (like one has at the beginning of the marriage).

Need advice/input on this. I will add that he makes the statement that it is because I am a woman...and men in the same situation would just forgive and forget it.

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Have you read this?
How can Trust be Restored After An Affair

Trust needs to be earned back, in installments, over time. Complete trust, same as pre-affair? A contrite & self-aware former wayward wouldn't expect that from his spouse.

I can tell you firsthand that a post-affair marriage can do without that same level of pre-affair trust. What it can't do without are the steps necessary to re-earn that trust back, and the efforts of both spouses to observe the 4 Rules (protection, care, honesty & time) and to identify, communicate about and meet one another's top emotional needs consistently. Those things, when done well, are better & more satisfying for both spouses than situations where there's complete trust but where those things aren't done well.

Ask him how you can have a marriage if you DO? It was too much trust that led to his affairs and you shouldn't make that mistake again. It's not a lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of BOUNDARIES.

here

here

Trust is not some entitlement program for wayward cheaters. It has to be EARNED. And it was too much trust that harmed you in the past.

Forgiveness is not warranted.

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Once the first innocent level of trust is broken that level of trust can never be had again in that relationship.

Your WH decision to have an affair broke that IT/innocent trust.

WH actions have shown that he can not handle IT.

What has your WH done to repair the broken trust?

Did he block OW calls, text, email?

Did WH get new email, phone number?

Did WH send a NC letter?

Did WH apologize to the BH?

Did WH tell you how he contacted the OW to carry on his affair?

Did WH close all means of communication used in the affair?

Did WH if he has FB get rid of FB?

Is your WH being 100% transparent now?

Is there a gps on his phone?

Is your WH making it easy for you to verify if NC is not being broken?

If your BH is not doing anything of these things you tell him that the level of trust can never be repaired.

Trust is as a cup. Once broken the pieces can be glued back together but the cracks will always be there. IT will never be brought back.

While the approachs above have the merit of truth and justification, they have the disadvantage of being unacceptable to most former wayward spouses. In just a moment, I'll share what Dr. Harley often shares when dealing with spouses who cannot be trusted.

But first, I want to ask the serious question: do you actually want to be married to this man? Can you imagine life with him in any way being happy or satisfying until death do you part?

If the answer is "no", get a divorce quickly and get it over with. Like ripping off a bandage; it will hurt like mad for a shorter time than if you really take your time peeling it off. We are "MarriageBuilders" people here, but we are not "Marriage at all costs" people. Recovery from infidelity with a serial cheater is extremely difficult. You must, for the rest of your life, have very extreme Extraordinary Precautions in place.

The basic idea here is that to recover your marriage, trust is not really something that is yours to "give". From a certain point of view, you trusting him is part of what got you into this mess in the first place! Instead, it's important to realize that trust is situational.

A core concept of MarriageBuilders is the assumption that, under similar conditions, everybody would have an affair. We humans are just hard-wired this way. Fidelity is not in our genes; it is a learned behavior. The ones who don't have affairs are the ones who conscientiously create conditions under which an affair would be difficult or impossible. The ones who do have affairs create conditions in their lives under which an affair is inevitable.

Now let's get back to the issue of trust. If this core assumption of MarriageBuilders is true, then everybody would have an affair under some conditions, and nobody would have an affair under others. Dr. Harley's clinical experience suggests this assumption is entirely true! You can unquestionably trust your husband in some situations, and you know from experience you can absolutely not trust him under others.

Understanding this key concept reverses society's typical definition of "trust". It's not something to give or receive like a key, but instead a trustworthy spouse creates conditions in their own life under which having an affair would be impossible.

This concept usually clicks immediately with those who are interested in recovery. Those who intend to continue leading a secret second life will often take immediate hostility to the idea of creating a transparent life in which having a future affair is impossible. They will instinctively recognize that Extraordinary Precautions are sufficient to ensure they are never again in any situation in which conducting an affair is possible, and begin insisting that "privacy" or "personal time" from their spouse is important in a marriage.

Bollocks, I say. Privacy from your spouse has no place in a marriage.

So there you have it. The concept of "trust" as some kind of gift to be given or withheld until someone earns it, or that it's a prerequisite to a happy, life-long, monogamous marriage is flawed. Trust is, instead, a spectrum of situations under which you can totally trust your spouse -- like when they are curled up on the couch alone with you watching a movie -- to those situations in which you could totally not trust your spouse.

Dr. Willard Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers co-authored "Surviving An Affair". These kinds of concepts are explained in some detail in the book, along with a step-by-step plan to recover your marriage from infidelity. I strongly recommend you read it aloud together cover-to-cover with your spouse so that you can have a roadmap to recovery, including creating a life in which the two of you can completely trust one another because you will never again allow yourselves into situations in which you cannot be trusted!

Thank you all to have replied! Your time is greatly appreciated, and I did re-read those links posted. I have introduced him to the website, and said I did have hope that he would participate in the forum.

I see each one's response very clearly and they have true value to me. "In my head" when the discussion of trust comes up (and it usually comes up when I don't enthusiastically agree with something "for" him) I am screaming...why doesn't HE get it?

So what's your plan?

BrainHurts, I am not sure what you are asking?

Are you planning on following Dr. Harley's plan for recovery?

What EPs has he put in place?
What conditions allowed his affairs? Have these been eliminated? Has he giving you just compensation?

There are many steps to be taken to recover from an affair.
Requirements for Recovery from an Affair