So I'm posting right now for a friend, just spent the morning talking with her (she lives out of state, but her and her husband are in town for a wedding). Trying to get some advice, to make sure I dont steer her wrong.

Details: married 4 years, 2 girls (1yr and 2.5yr).

They were at a wedding this weekend, at some afterparty, and she got piss drunk and kissed/made out with some random guy at the party...with her husband in the next room.

She is horrified at what she's done (especially she said because after talking with me about what I've done, she said she thought to herself that she couldn't ever do that).

She's already taking all the steps that everyone would advise here. Told her parents/his sister and Apologized. Obviously knows the drinking is an issue and is willing quit (except her BH doesn't want her to quit) This isn't really an issue of boundaries in their home life, she has no opposite sex friends, is a SAHM, doesn't go out and party. I don't think either her or BH know who the OM is, so no worries about seeing him again.

In regards to her behavior and what she needs to do, I know what to tell her she should be doing/reading. (gave her a copy of SAA). It's because of her BH that I'm not exactly sure.

When she told me what she did, I was like, "dude, seriously?! With BH in the next room? Were you just saying a big Eff-u, let's get divorced?"

Her BH has serious anger/rage issues and treats her so badly, that her 2 year old says "daddy, be sweet to mommy". This is not a case of a WW saying "he's "abusive", he deserved it, etc" he actually IS abusive, mostly verbally with anger, but has hit her once. He never apologized for it, and told her she brought it on herself, and that in some cultures, hitting your wife is acceptable. Still to this day has never apologized for it. I've witnessed the way he treats her, but have never confronted him bc I don't want him to not allow her to see/talk to me. A few years ago she was pretty close to leaving him, but she had just had her first daughter and couldnt bear the thought of divorcing and having to split custody and leave her daughter alone with this man (I did tell her that it was really effed up to keep spending her life with a man just so she didn't have to have her daughter spend time with him alone).

He controls everything, calls her a Worthless freeloader for not working and staying home with the kids. Won't even give her Money to go grocery shopping, but insists on going with her. Calls her a thief if she uses their money to buy anything, and sort of forces her to pilfer here and there so she HAS money. Her family and his family have told her over and over to leave- at least till he works out his issues. He's got some sort of criminal background, a felony- but I don't remember what for. She knows that even if was being beaten every day of her life, it's still not an excuse to cheat.

We had breakfast this morning and I dropped her off, and he flew into a rage. She texted me, "whoa, it's worse than we thought", I immediately turned my car around (bc they are still on vacation in my city- she has no car), and asked her if she was safe/threatened. She came out to the car, still shaking because of his rage- he didnt physically hurt her, but was yelling in her face (unfortunately- not uncommon), telling her she deserves to be treated like that, etc. Here was where I was a little unsure- I didn't want to tell her to leave right then- maybe making it even worse (he had gone in a room and shut door), but I did tell her to tell him that she wants to talk with him, but the next time he goes into a rage/anger and makes her feel unsafe that she will leave until he is calm. So I let her go back inside...second guessing myself, and hung around close by for a while to make sure everything was okay. I called her and made sure he hadn't gone into another rage, but I asked her if she had told him the anger/rage was unacceptable and she's like, "not yet....we just started talking..." and I'm worried she's never going to tell him it's unacceptable, for fear of making him angry...vicious cycle.

I told her she has two (good) options: 1) just get divorced as he's saying he wants to do 2) separate until he gets his anger/rage/myriad of other issues under control while she is obviously working on her side.

She is going to make an appt with steve Harley as soon as they get home. I told her not to make any decisions or say anything serious until she talked to steve, but that I would be very surprised if he recommended they not separate given the physical/verbal abuse.

I'm just worried about her safety- she says that she doesn't think he'll hit her or doing anything physical, but I said he's already done it once, and it wouldn't take much to give her a broken rib or a black eye.

she says she just wants to do whatever God wants her to do- and I think she was having a hard time with that in the past few years, not divorcing b/c she knew God hates divorce, but she's just been getting abused. When she threatened leaving earlier, he said he would change, and he did for like a week or so...

I know she will be willing to post here once she gets back home, but I just wanted to get some advice from everyone relating to the anger/abuse stuff for right now. I would never forgive myself if I gave the wrong advice and she got hurt.

Here.
What to do with an Angry Husband

Dr H would recommend immediate separation in the case of physical violence.

If only the thought of divorce prevents her, she need not worry as the violent spouse gets a chance to make things right.

He has to make things right and prove himself trustworthy during the year of separation.

Only then is he safe to be around these children and this wife.

Its the only chance her M has. If he doesn't do the time, he will never view it as a crime and will simply repeat it until he kills the marriage, if not his wife.

It's not like infidelity. In infidelity, the WS can be separated from their madness (AP) instantly. Violent spouses cannot.

She and her children are in danger.

I would take my child and get to the nearest women's shelter. She's lucky they exist. Back in the early 70s when I was being physically abused by my first husband, they did not. It wasn't until I'd rather risk dying than live a moment longer like that, that I broke free. She needs to consider the message she is sending their child by staying with him. Is this the kind of person she wants her child to grow up and marry someday?

One of the last conversations i had with my stbxws.....if one of our children came to you and said that they were being verbally/emotionally/or physically abused by their spouse or partner, what would you do?......the response was "i would kill them".......i responded with "then why is it ok for you to do that to me".......deer in headlights........

She has not reached her point to leave yet. It is glaringly obvious to those who are not in the midst of the abuse for her to get out. In the meantime she is minimizing the situation....it is not that bad, and if your really new him, he really is so caring, blah blah blah.....keep at her (just like those that kept on me), get her here. We are all here to help.

That link is just what I need to send her. I knew that prisca and marcos would have something good for her to read, but I hadn't read that particular thread.

I did tell her I thought it was up to a year of separation for angry/abusive spouses.


She has talked about this exact thing. The answer would be 'no'.

The funny thing is, she will admit that he's an a-hole. In the past we'd have a talk when they were having issues, and then later she'd say he was doing a lot better or he was 'trying' etc, so I never really knew how much to push it, you know? And yeah, I think there is some minimizing.

I am going to send her the link to this thread and to the other threads. She was open to posting, but it probably wouldn't be till after she got back home tomorrow night.

Thank you.

Yeah.....mine was an a-hole as well.......and mine was "trying" and "getting better"....then the cycle would repeat....over and over and over and over.....i do not know how many of these cycles i went thru on the board or at what point i had enough......but this went on for a long time before i broke free........greatful for all those who still continue to have sore foreheads for the continual head banging against the wall for what seemed like an eternity for me to finally get it.