After reading HNHN and Love busters there is one point that either I totally skipped over (I hope not) or it didn't address it. What does Dr. H say about asking your spouse to do something rather than assuming they want/don't want to do it??

I would think asking would be the better thing to do but I could be wrong. My hubby and I have been having an issue where he assumes that I want/don't want to join him in some of his interests and outings. And then there are other times where he thinks he asks me in a round about way, not actually saying - how do feel about going here or there with me, but I don't understand that he is asking me to go and I tell him to go have fun When what I am really doing is hurting his feelings by not knowingly saying I don't want to go when he really didn't ask me in the first place. I know, it's kinda confusing. I have asked him to flat out ask me but he says that he does in his own way and won't just flat out ask me.

So I feel like I am inadvertently disappointing him by unknowingly telling him no I don't want to go. Is it bad to ask to be talked to (asked) in a certain way so that we both aren't so confused??

AHH, thanks GloveOil that makes much more sense now. The only reason I was getting upset is that he is refusing to ask all together, in a straight forward manner, and would still prefer his round about way. I will amiably ask if he would like me to go with him. Thanks so much for the advice!!!!

How's your POJA skills? How much UA time are you getting?

While my DH knows about MB and knows that I am trying to make MB our marriage and life resource, my DH does not practice alot of the lessons or agreements of MB which includes the POJA. I would like to practice it all the time and try to do just that but the main word in POJA is joint and it'd hard to have one person be joint of nothing.

Since my DH is freshly graduates school, I feel that he is having a hard time adjusting to not spending hours on end on homework and class assignments. I also have to adjust what I have been come to know as the norm for the past 5 years as well. I would like to give my DH more UA but find it difficult and am met with 'can't I just relax and play a video game/watch a movie' quite frequently. I also like to watch movies and play games at times as well, though he does not include me or even tell me that is what he is going to be doing until I go to the TV room and see him. Most times I will then sit and watch the movie or watch him play the game. I know with him being out of school he is finding it hard to adjust but I think I need to sit down and have a conversation with him about things we can do together and how my love bank is really depleting due to lack of UA.

This behavior has been going on for years and I would like it to stop. At this point in our marriage I feel that his hobbies and interests and things to do must all be his idea or he does't want to do it. I like to share time with him, just us together, doing something productive or relaxing or meeting one of our needs. I just don;t like to feel like I have to fight for it.

I think it's hard to get someone on board with UA if they don't have an understanding of MB principles, like the $LB, LBers, intimate EN's, Falling in Love concepts.

Remember that conflict avoidance is a good way to lose love units and fall out of love. The secret is conflict management and that starts with Complaints (respectfully submitted, without DJ's, SD's).
"It bothers me when...." is the operative phrase (per Dr. H /Joyce on the radio show multiple times).
I'm concerned your husband doesn't understand the likelihood of you being tempted to get your needs met somewhere else if he doesn't tear himself away from the video games...

However, POJA you can get to by stating your questions just so...
"How would you feel if we...."
and also "I don't want to do that unless you are enthusiastic about it...are you enthusiastic?"
or "I'm not really enthusiastic about that, can we modify it, or do something different that we would both be enthusiastic about?"
This is how I introduced POJA to my now-fiance.

opt

Is your husband on board with Marriage Builders?

First off, Dr. Harley says that if you are getting 15 hours alone together EVERY week on dates meeting the four intimate emotional needs (recreational companionship, affection, intimate conversation, and sexual fulfillment), you'll have less of an issue with how he spends his time. Dr. Harley also says that your marriage will not work without this time together, so do not leave this part of his program out.

Dr. Harley also says you should be radically honest and tell your husband when he does something that bothers you. Example: "It bothers me when you go motorcycle riding without me." (I'm making up motorcycle riding as a potential interest.)

Dr. Harley does suggest communicating some things in a defined way, especially in a marriage where there have been lots of misunderstandings. His suggested wording is: "How would you feel about going motorcycle riding with me?" Or "How would you feel about me going motorcycle riding?" if he is thinking about going alone. If you indicate anything other than enthusiasm, he should not go.

Finally, and this is lesser known (I've only heard about it on one radio show, and I don't have a link ), Dr. Harley talks about general agreements and specific agreements. A general agreement is when your spouse tells you they are pretty much always enthusiastic about something, so in this case you don't have to ask. An example Dr. Harley gives is that he has no problem with Joyce making anything she would like for breakfast in the kitchen. A specific agreement is what you make when your spouse is sometimes enthusiastic about something, and sometimes not. The example Dr. Harley gives is that when HE wants to make breakfast in the kitchen, sometimes that is okay with Joyce, and sometimes it would bother her because of the mess involved, so if he comes up with an idea for a breakfast, he checks with her first before launching in and making it, and if she is not enthusiastic, he does not do it.

If you are sometimes enthusiastic about your husband engaging in an interest and sometimes not, then if you want to have a happy marriage, he would need to check with you every time for a specific agreement. If on the other hand you are pretty much always enthusiastic about something he does (like, say, going to work) then you have a general agreement that he can go to work each work day (and if this ever changes, you would need to let him know).

hellobubbles, you should not try to make yourself adjust to sadness and neglect.


I think you need to complain persistently, clearly, respectfully, and most importantly NOW before this crisis gets any worse and threatens your marriage.

It is crucially important to get your husband on board with this program so that he can meet your needs. You should not be asked to do without for years just so that he can play videogames. That is not what marriage is about.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8115_prob.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html

Thank you all so much for all of your advice. I will talk to him about REALLY trying this MB thing with me. I know he wants the best for our marriage as much as I do. I just pray that we can work on this together. I have implemented the 'how do you feel...' comments for a few months now and they seem to work wonderfully!! I really would like for him to do the same. Now that he is not as busy with school I will talk with him about implementing MB in our lives together.

Thanks Marcos for those articles!! These are just thing I needed to read!!!