We just started the course at home. This will be long, so I apologize.

Background of this situation: My brother has MS. He and his wife are expecting a baby and have NO money. The nursery is full of tools, weedeater, etc., so as a gift my husband and I (along with my sister) decided to purchase a storage shed for them, so they can clean out the room for the new baby.

My husband's best friend is a contractor. Friend offered to assemble/build it for just the cost of materials. My husband didn't feel that was right, so he and my brother-in-law (sister's husband) decided to do the construction themselves. Yesterday I went to Lowe's to make sure the building was in stock. Several days ago, my husband said he wanted to get the lumber from a place that closes at 4:00 each day & not open on Saturday (doesn't want lumber from Lowes). My husband cannot get to the place before 4:00 unless he takes vacation from work. Haven't heard anything else about it.

I'm working at home today and this morning, he told me that he wanted me to drive his truck to get the wood during lunch. Now, I am VERY uncomfortable driving the truck (which he knows). I told him I didn't want to do that because I'm uncomfortable with the truck. (It cut off on him just last week, but he replaced a part.)

It turned into "I'm doing this for YOUR family - all you have to do is DRIVE there, etc. etc." When I continued to be reluctant, he got angry. He said if I wouldn't go get the wood, he wouldn't build it. Said that I didn't care about him having to use "warped" wood (from Lowes). Said, I guess we'll just have to pay to have it built.

After I took the kids to school, I called him back and told him that I felt he had made a selfish demand. Things got much worse then. I asked him why he waited until the morning of to ask me to do this. (They were going to start on it tonight. Since nothing had been mentioned about the wood, I just assumed he was getting it at Lowes or had made other arrangements.) He said he was going to ask the friend to get the wood, but since I've been "b***hing" about the friend, that is no longer an option. (I like the friend. However, for the past 2 years, the friend and others have been hanging out in my back yard with my husband, drinking, several nights a week, while the family and I are ignored. That has been cut down to one "man night" per week, which I still do not agree with. So - I DO fuss about it.)

He refuses to ask the friend, because I fuss about him hanging out here - his words. He told me I can just get everything done, he's not going to help at all. I tried to tell him that, to him, getting the materials and getting the building built is not a big deal, but it is to me. I don't have the skills to do it. Just like I spent a couple of hours the other night working on his file FOR HIM, because that isn't his skillset, but it is mine. I did it for him. I was counting on him to take care of it - because he said he would!

I feel rail-roaded and now I'm being punished. He denies that I am being punished, but he knows how important it is to me that my brother has this building. I asked his friend to do it - he said yes. My husband said, "no, I'll do it." It has been planned. My brother is expecting it. I am expecting it. Now, because I won't get the wood - he's going back on what he said.

My question is - did he make a selfish demand or am I "unstable", "crazy", or "out of touch with reality"? (I've been called all these in the past, but not actually today.)

It looks like you're not quite skilled at looking for other solutions after discovering that neither of you is enthusiastic about what has been planned so far.

Would your husband be enthusiastic about building it if you had the materials delivered? That way, you don't have to drive the truck (the part you're unenthusiastic about). Can you purchase the materials and have someone else pick them up (the friend, your brother, a friend of your brother's?).

What other solutions can you come up with to present to your husband for agreement?

Yes, telling your spouse to do something and then getting mad when they won't is a selfish demand (you can see there are some on both sides, here). But try not to focus right now on getting him to admit it. It should just be a line item on the LBQ as an example of his selfish demands. No need to belabor the point today. Today, focus on finding solutions you can both get behind.

It appears you are just starting the program so evidently you are just getting familiar with the concepts...yes?

If so, you picked a big project to POJA. There are a lot of component parts to this project (and a emotionally charged one at that...), so it's going to require in my view some skilled negotiators. Meanwhile I don't see evidence that you have mastered the "friends and enemies of intimate conversation" (which would help the negotiations once those principles are applied).

So are you REALLY both enthusiastic about the decision to build this shed? (notice I am disregarding your sister's involvement, you are not married to her). And please dont' think i'm insensitive, I feel for your plight and believe in the noble cause of trying to help out your family member with MS. However, an MB marriage comes first. period.

How do you feel about that? What is your understanding of MB concepts and how they relate to the responses so far?

optimism