I have read all of Dr. Harley's advice and am still stuggling with my feelings and frustrations. My wife and I have only been married for a little over a year and I feel we are moving in the right direction after her affair. I cannot stop thinking about the visual images of them together and the events that transpired that night.<BR> <BR>I know it has only been a few weeks, but I have no idea how long I have to wait. I thought I was getting better and now it seems to be worsening. I know my wife and I have a tremendous amount of love for one another and she is truly sorry that this has happened. I know she was under a lot of pressure because of my family issues and alcohol played a big factor into her decision. I do accept some of the blame for this becasue of our lack of communication, but that still does not make it easier.<P>I hate feeling the way I do sometimes about her and I am not sure if eventually my love will be overcome by the resentment I feel. I love her so much and I am trying to be as optimistic about our future as I possibly can. We have made some major changes in our life is this brief period of time and I know that is helping. I can definitely see many positives coming out of this event. However, I still feel the pain and it really hurts. I guess I am looking for advice from others who have gone through this. How long do you have to wait to start feeling better and more secure. Do these images fade or are they permanently embedded in my memory. The images are just too painful.

Optimistic, boy do you sound like me after a few weeks. I know that waffeling feeling. You are very afraid of the pain that would come should you decide to work on this and then it should all fall apart again. It sounds as though you've done a good deal of the reading, are you in counselling as well? Believe it or not, I needed that counselling just as much if not more than the reading. <BR>I am not going to tell you any of this is easy, it isn't. Is it worth it if it works out? Your darn tootin! I can relate to those feelings of why should I even try? or I would have never done this to her, how could I ever forgive her for doing this to me. It IS hard. It took me a few months to at least realize that he WAS doing everything he could to make things good for us. But I would look into counselling as well. I don't know if it helps to know your not alone, it did for me. I also believe I should tell you that I am a success story and that you could be too! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Chick's, thanks for the support. We are seeking counseling which I think will continue to help. As I mentioned before, I think we are making tremndous strides considering where we were a few weeks ago. It is comforting to know that there are people who have survived this and have worked it out with their spouses. I know the dust is now just starting to settle and I can only hope that after it does, my wife and I are still holding hands. <P>Everything I read tells me that it will take time. I am a person who is normally very patient, but in this case, I wish I could fast forward and be happy again. I wish I could spend the day not thinking about this. I wish I could come home from work and not see this event in her eyes. I wish I could make love to her or even go through a normal day without the constant reminders (associations) of this event. That is not how I want feel when I see her. I love her too much. Again, I guess it will have to take time.<P>

Hi Optimistic -<P>Welcome to a place that will help you get through this....<P>You have a lot going for you in your situation....sounds like you need to go through the phases of processing the pain....which does take (and here's that darn word again!!) time.....<P>What you are feeling is absolutely normal..don't look at it as a foreboding cloud or axe hanging over your marriage.<P>You will process this pain....you will learn and understand so much more about relationships and each other. The strength and maturation of love will astound you at some point when you are able to look at all that you and your Wife have been able to learn and do to build an even stronger marriage.<P>It will happen....all of it!!!<P>You are very raw with this now. Sometimes the pain can be blinding...you are fortunate in that you can see a lot of your mutual efforts being fruitful.<BR>Believe me, you are way ahead in this infidelity process, even though you don't realize it yet.<P>Something that might help is to browse through the different posts on this board....Find ones that help you to either understand or explain to Wife or counselor how you feel. <P>The biggest help to you will be that there are others that know your pain, have and do share it.....<P>Some process it well and others do not, learn from their experiences and pick the best perspective that fits your mindset.<P>Do not beat yourself up for how you feel about things.....don't dwell in the negative either. Try to keep a healthy balance.<P>We've been participating with a Forgiveness Workbook and it's exercises that might be of help to you. They should all show up if you look back over the last month or two.<P>Use this board - come here to vent it out when you have the need....come here to learn. Perhaps share it with your wife because she also is in pain. <BR>YOu were led here for a reason...hopefully it will to be able to get through this as least scarred as possible with all of this.<P>HUGS and Strength to you and your Wife and I look forward to talking (er, typing!) with you in the future!!<P>Sheba

Sheba, <BR>I appreciate your insight and words of wisdom. So much can be said about the support you receive from complete strangers who can empathize for you because of their own life experiences. I was hesitant to post my original message out of fear that there would be more negative than positive feedback. Although, there have only been two replies, I have read through various posting and realized that there is hope for my wife and me. In fact last night, I came home and discussed a posting I read about "divorce not being an option." Once I analyzed our situation with that perspective, it changed my feelings about our future. It made me think of a quote from one of my favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption. Morgan Freeman as Red narrates the quote, "Get busy living or get bust dying." Not to parallel my situation or anyone else's for that matter, to a movie, but it does make a lot of sense. I know my wife and I have a difficult road ahead of us, but with your words of wisdom and those from others on this network, my confidence is substantially growing. We can either focus on the past, making our lives miserable, or we can deal with fact that we had problems before this and work towards avoiding them in the future. <P>I am certainly not healed but I think I am on the road to recovery. Sheba, thank you.<BR>

Hi Optimistic -<P>I am so glad that you are finding things here that you need to help with this mess in our lives. And I want you to know that everything you share on here about what you and your wife are going through helps the people here!!<P>In your postings we will be able to see another success story ...... I am sure of it!!!!<P>Keep learning and gaining your strength it can only better your situation and yourself!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>PS - Bring your Wife by if you like!!

Sheba,<BR>Thanks again for the encouraging words. Although I have only been on this MB for a few days, I feel it has been a tremendous help, much greater than expected. When I look back over the last few weeks, it has been a tremendously rough roller coaster. I am beginning to put the pieces back together and have realized that infidelity is tragic but is also common. Although some people do not recover, the majority do. That is very reassuring to me because I know my wife and I do love each other very much. I am confident that we will be another success story, but as everyone knows, that will take time.<P>So again, thank you and thanks to everyone who has shared their story with me and the entire network. Have a good weekend and God bless.<P>

optimistic-<BR>welcome to mb--i'm sure you will feel like all of us here in saying how great the support is--i just want to add that you should do as much reading as you can here and away from here there are so many good books the more you read the more you will learn it sounds like your w is on the same page with you share as much as you can with her...also i like the quote from that movie too and wanted to add another phrase which has stuck with me for a long time not from a movie "dwelling is for the immortal", so hang in and good luck keep posting there are so many of us here...much peace and love trying hard<BR>