He really had no clue about my A, I mean no clue.

...as in he neverguessed his world was about to be rocked? Yeah....

Words not being any real use, in the final analysis, your best proof is in the life you will live with him. Be pleased to see him, be his best friend, and treat him as yours. Make sure he knows that you and he have a grand future waiting, and all you need do is jointly go get it. Compliment him to your children, your friends, ("We just repainted the hall, and Mr XVY was a wonder!"), and even the in-laws from the netherworld. (Sorry if you're reading, dude, but I'm not prone to pulling punches.) The point is not to be phony, but to be real. You're grateful for his mowing the lawn in 97-degree heat? Tell him!

It gets through in two ways. Firstly, like Pavlov's pups, you'll incent him to continue to do things that you like. Secondly, the message bores in: "Hey, XVY thinks I'm her ideal! I can do this, and satisfy her forever!"

(And, fwiw, my e-address is always open to him.)

Go out WHERE?


That doesn't put you in prison, it gets him out of prison!!! Spying on you will do more to restore trust than almost anything. Tell him not to tell you how he does it. Just do it!! Tell him to email neverguessed and get some ideas.

Spying will do more to restore trust FASTER than almost anything he can do. It will make him feel SAFE.


His lack of honesty is a huge problem. You can't fix the problem if he doesn't tell you!


yuck. I hate being in a conflict avoider marriage. I well remember that hell in my last marriage. We are now divorced!


Can you work together every day? Can you make this happen? I hope you have a good drink line up in your snack bar!

MB,

Your words are better than mine. You are right, I don't know for sure about having an A again. Thinking that I was safe before it what got me in trouble the second time.

Protecting myself and being smart about the situations I put myself in and keeping my EPs in mind all of the time, will dismiss any and all opportunities. Maybe if I present it in this manner my H might be more responsive. After all the first time I said it will not happen again, it did so these words mean nothing to him.

What I have now that I did not have before is a PLAN, EPs, MB, and a GOAL to never allow myself an OPPORTUNITY to cheat again. This is what I know, without a doubt!!

Will he come here and let us talk to him?

Also you can put the keyloggers on and spyware on your phone and have the reports emailed to him. Do it yourself.

She has asked him and he said not yet but he is reading this thread.

We've given him many invites and NeverGuessed even offered up his email.

Hopefully soon Mr. XVY will join us?

Here is the thing about that. The fact that she knows about it will negate the effectiveness of the spytools. He needs to find a way she doesn't know about.

Sorry Mel,

I put MB instead of your name. I was just thinking some more about what you said above and this is what I thought of.

I honestly am scared to death of cheating again. What scares me the most is the fact that I NEVER thought I would do it again. 13 years later I thought I was safe, let my guard down and ended up in the same boat, so I am scared and I know my H is scared!

Its like an Alcoholic going to the bar. Yes, nine times out of ten they may not drink but all it takes is that tenth time and those nine other times don't mean a darn thing.

Something I do have on my side now is MB. This is like my AA. My H keeps saying "I told you several times that you can't be friends with people of the opposite sex" and yes he did tell me that. But I think it is the same with all addictions, until you see it for yourself and put forth a plan to make sure it does not happen again, there is so guarantee that it will not.


I however have a plan, and am working it every day. My H is just worried that ten years down the road I will not stick to the plan. He says that right now he sees the changes in me...his fear is that they will not continue.

Indeed, I don't have the desire to slog through pages and pages of text messages, e-mails, and social network activity that don't interest me either. If I'd been more vigilant, I would not be dealing with an EA that's lasted for six months.

Your BH will need to accept that being willing to monitor you (and finding ways to do so that you don't know about!) is an act of love and service to you, to keep both of you safe.

And nobody in our culture thinks of signing up for marriage where they need to snoop on their spouse. Too bad. See Dr Harley's segment on infidelity--it's so common we should expect it unless we're taking active steps to avoid it, and it's so common we should do our best to find it early and nip it in the bud. Advice I wish I'd taken long ago.

Not sure which video segment I saw it in (BrainHurts will know, for sure!), but it's very common for one spouse with Annoying Behaviours to have the other spouse not communicating it. In fact, I think it's the norm.

True.

Maybe since he is reading here he could get our HUGE hints??

If you have an integrated marriage and he holds you accountable, he will be safe. The danger are marriages where secret second lifestyles are possible. In my marriage, we are so integrated that it would be impossible to carry on the secret second life necessary to hide an affair.

I'm under the impression they both work at the same workplace--they've got a golden opportunity for an extremely integrated lifestyle.

No she's a teacher but works 2 nights a week at the golf course with her BH.

She is still teaching at the same school but OM is not there anymore. She has offered to quit but Mr. XVY said no.

He is reading my threads and he told me that he has thought about posting but he is not into actually writing. He never has been. That is why I was amazed to get a three paige letter yesterday from him spilling his feelings. It was wonderful because I knew that that took A LOT. One for him to write, and two for him to share his true feelings.

Just need to get it to happen more often. He is reading my thread though and that if fine because it is hard for me to get my feelings out verbally. When I come here and feed off of your guys thoughts it seems like my thoughts just pour out. I think this is something we both need right now.

hi 15. i saw your question about how you get your H to believe you, but by the time i got to the end of the new posts, i saw ML and everyone else has already offered the "how."

it is important that you are proactive, even if your H isn't. don't suggest the keylogger/etc. put them on and let him know it's there and brief instructions on how to work it (you could do this in an email so that he A) doesn't just shrug you off, and B) he can do it if he so chooses without having to ask you about it. should he do so, this will help him, even if he doesn't want to admit it.

all you can do is live as a (f)ww. just last night i was thinking about how i felt when my husband returned home after plan b. i was in the same boat as all other BSs - feeling like it wasn't real, wondering when it would ever feel natural or normal again. now 6 months down the road, i can't even pinpoint when the change happened. it just feels good all the time, not forced, not acted, not weird or pretend. and i'm grateful, so grateful, for MB!

yes, it's hard at first, just like learning any new thing is. when you don't get immediate results, which we are programmed for these days, we feel "well, i tried, and it isn't working." but the trick is to keep working the programme. and count every single one of those triumphs: a conversation that didn't suck, a hug, a request that starts with "how would you feel..." instead of focusing on what didn't happen. when you can get away from the "yes, s/he DID (whatever one need is) but DIDN'T (whatever another need is), he will feel better - and so will you.

Mel,

I am all for that! I want him to check up on me, hold me accountable, tell me what bothers him, tell me that he does not want me to leave his side. The greatest Irony in all of this is that I that person more than he is. I have always been more jealous, suspiscous, wanting to keep him by my side at all times.

He is the more independent one, the one that has always blindly trusted me, even after my first A it did not take long for him to give me freedom again...although I rarely took advantage of it...I didn't want to.

He says that he did not see my A coming but a part of me feels that if he didn't blindly trust me that it would not have happened in the first place. I agree with you 100% that keeping me in check would set him free and make him feel safe, he is the one that is afraid that this will push me away when I believe it will only make us closer.

Thanks Letty I sent this to him

BH,

Once again you have pinpointed the perfect radio clip to go with my situation. This is why I think in the past six months my H has not recovered because of his resentment. I think he is actually fighting recovery because of his resentment and lack of trust.

I am just going to keep working the program and showing him on my end that I can be trustworthy for now and always and that if he does not feel safe, he needs to let me know.

We both have A LOT of bad habits that we have lived with for 15 years now. I however am very confident that MB can break those habits, just have to get Mr. XVY on board...how do you get a prideful, stubborn, German/Irishman, set in his ways to change???

Mr. XVY is reading my thread right now and is upset. Because he feels that before my A he was "snooping" on me by looking through my text and my emails. There was actually an incident in which another male at my school was sending me inappropriate texts. My H was upset by this and asked me to stop texting him and talking to him.

I am guessing the point that Mr. XVY is trying to make is that he was checking up on me and it did not stop me from having an affair.


I think he feels defeated in the fact that he did do things in our marriage to try to watch me and I still had an A, so what will be different now?

So what is your take, MBers? My thoughts are yes, we both did check up on each other but I think we could have done more on both ends. I was listening to Dr. H yesterday and he said that you must have an interdependent marriage vs. an independent one. I feel like this is also a lot of the problem.

My H and I spend time together but we also spend a lot of time apart in which we have not really held each other accountable for this time away. In addition, in the past we would rarely POJA what we were doing. We would tell each other what we were doing without asking and seeing if it was okay.

My H wants to make me the bad guy...and yes I was. I did have male co workers on my phone, I did text them, I did go out with other workers to happy hour without him...how do I make him see that I no longer will or want to do this...that I am willing to do anything to make our marriage safe? He is convinced our marriage was "safe" before and that he did check up on me and I on him. But the truth of the matter is, it was NOT SAFE.

I think this is because we were both too afraid to tell each how we really felt and things that made us uncomfortable. When my H did tell me it bothered him about the texting, I brushed it off like it was no big deal. I didn't SEE the harm in it, now I do!!


Again, I think he feels that you guys are picking on him and maybe you are. Please explain that you have to be picked on and picked apart on this site in order to get down to the heart of the matter and really start making changes. He thinks that you guys have not picked on me and picked me apart...thank God you did and continue to do it.

Mr. XVY, it is called being held accountable for your actions...and yes they hold me accountable every time I get on this site...its what keeps bringing me back.