15yrs, a watch out here. Your husband needs a counselor who will NOT drag out his past. If that happens, your problems will get WORSE because he will bringing problems of the past into the present. He will leave each session more angry and more upset. People who use this method stay sick for much longer because exploring the past is a distraction from making the present great.

Your husband has resentments today because his present is not happy. When the present is happy, people don't think about the tragedies of the past.

Please be careful that you are not making the problem worse.

Exploring the past will not resolve that though. The roadblock is that his trust in you has been thoroughly destroyed because you have been untrustworthy. His is a rational response to the situation. You can't "fix" normal.

The solution is to rebuild that trust. Exploring the past will not help him trust you. Only YOU can make that change in him.

Marriage Builders has everything that you need to resolve this, but I don't think you realize this.

Have you heard these clips?
Recovery isn't complete if Resentment lingers

Hey 15, I've been following your thread the whole time, but don't think I've posted much.

ML beat me to the response- everything I've ever heard/read on MB, talks specifically against 'talking about the past'. You really need to (both) talk to Steve. It would've made my BH 'happy' to divorce me in the beginning, it would've made him 'happy' to not let me come back home after I'd been out of state for surgery.

Steve keept telling him/us, "feelings follow actions".

You say you enthusiastically agree...but did you really? Was there a small little niggling part of you that thought of all the stuff you've read on MB and how this doesn't really line up? Did you agree b/c you were afraid of losing him?

Why don't you make an appt with Steve and get his opinion on this. At the very least, you can see if he will help your H with all of the issues he has. He is very very good at talking with people who aren't really convinced about the whole MB idea. I know b/c my H is/was one of them (we are in transition).

I don't want to see you get divorced, and I'm afraid what HDW said is correct. Before we started talking with Steve, We had seen a total of 5 different 'counselors' b/w the two of us. Not one of them gave me hope for our marriage, and I usually left wanting to divorce. Is that what you want your BH's response to be?

I'm convinced Brain Hurts has a photographic memory...I've been searching for Dr. Harleys article where he talks about it not doing any good to talk about the past, but I can't find it.... But I'm sure you've read it.

Hugs- I know this isn't easy, and I really want you two to make it.

Please read this also.
Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

I would like to back up what MelodyLane said. I happen to have a great counsellor who likes to talk about the present, not the past. I've had terrible counselling in the past which was fixated on finding some event in my childhood that was the root cause of all of my issues. Bad counselling seems to the norm. Good counselling is hard to find.

I spent two years of my life resenting my WW for things she did in 2008. I also greatly resented things other people did to me.

I don't resent it now because I made a personal decision to change. For me, it is mostly a spiritual decision based on my faith, along with some good common sense that holding on to anger/resentment eventually just makes me an ill person.

That does NOT mean I trust my WW right now, nor does it mean I plan to have business or personal dealings with people who have wronged me in the past. But I don't resent them. I just choose to live in "today".

There was/is absolutely nothing my WW could/can do to make me make this change. This is something your H will have to do. The best you can do is buy him some good books or arrange some coaching sessions with Steve.

I knew you'd know!

The problem is that your marriage needs you to be in the drivers seat of recovery but you are unable or unwilling to do so.

After cheating, and hearing your husband say he was willing to stay married but had to work on himself first you are happy not to be rejected.

So you feel you'll take what you can get and work on the rest later.

It sounds to me like he's in a state of marital withdrawal and needs a psychologist to tell him to dump his cheating wife. Either that or learn to not be codependent on you for meeting his emotional needs. Neither of which is MB compatible

15yrs. I see a lot of myself in your own BH. MB saved me when I thought there was NO HOPE that I would ever be able to move forward.

What you need is for him to COMMIT to giving MB a wholehearted try. Your BH has never really been on board and that is why he is stuck. Once he learns to live in the present and also remove the negative influences in his life, he will begin to move forward.

You don't need any help except from the Harleys. You have to just believe us on that and go for it.

Wow! Such a lot to consider...

First off, I want to ensure the following, as you were not perfectly explicit in your note. Mr. XVY is embarking of this regimen of repair with the goal of being able to participate in an MB-inspired marriage, right? I mean, it's not going to be helpful if he ultimately decides that he's gay, or predestined to live a hermit-like life in some cave somewhere.

That said, the MB principles and practices are designed with fully (mentally and emotionally) healthy folks in mind. If he were an alcoholic, or drug user, there would be no dissenting voices against getting HIM fixed as a pre-req (or at least co-req) to reformulating your union.

So if his jumbled emotions are in the way, let's get them fixed, BUT.....the MB plan must keep moving forward as he does so. There is no reason for a hiatus in insuring UA, and EN-satisfaction, POJA, O&H, etc. While he's getting untangled, perhaps, the effects will not be fully realizable. But the effort on both parts must remain.

You wrote the following:

We are going to be incorporating MB practices in our marriage along with him seeking help...I agree with everyone on here that says you have to follow MB to a tee and not stray from them.

You would be well advised never to forget either of those sentiments. We will hold you to them, kiddo.

BTW: How was dinner?

I had to take care of some things mentally and emotionally before I could move forward and make any progress on our union. It took a few sessions with an IC (who supports Marriage Builders policies).

But in the end, it was a quote from Abraham Lincoln that kicked me in the backside:

"Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be".

The problem with counseling is that it keeps clients mired in the past. Going to an office to discuss the most unhappy times of your life is a sure fire way to stay depressed and angry. When one is depressed and angry they can't make the present happy.

There is a false belief that one has to discuss past tragedies/conflicts to move forward and it is actually the opposite.

Man oh man I love this site!!!! I was reading all of your advice on my phone and my battery died. I could not wait to get home and write to all of you.

Okay, you have me convinced but it is my H that really needs the convincing. I told him to read my thread as soon as he got a chance. I just left the golf course that we work at together and he is still working.


One of you said asked if I was really trully happy about our conversation yesterday, and yes I was. Because we both realized what we need to make it work...finally. We also truly did POJA, which feel GREAT!!!

So maybe he does not need a councelor to drag out the past and make him more bitter. He did talk about getting on an anti-dep (which I know that Dr. H is all for because he has talked about it numorous times on his radio show. I will talk to him about this.


I am also planning on making an appt. this week with Steve. I am going to talk to Mr. XVY tonight about joining me. Whether he joins me or not, I am still making the appt.

Here is the problem that still weighs on my heart and his. He wrote me a letter yesterday (this is a huge deal) in which he poured his heart and feelings out in. The part that really concerns me is the part that I really can't answer. I have no way to convince him, only time will.

He really had no clue about my A, I mean no clue. This is what scares him more than anything that I could hide it so well. He says that even if I am "transparent" that if you want to hide an A you can.

This is true!!! You can get throw away phones, extra accounts, etc... I know in my heart of hearts that I will and never want to be that person again. I was riddled with guilt and felt awful but I did do such a great job of covering it up that my H is scared now to trust me.


I have told him that I will do ANYTHING to show him that I am transparent and to get him to trust me again. This however is what is holding him back the fact that there is truly no surefire way to protect himself from me if I get a "wildhair" in the future.

Again, I know for sure that I will NEVER torture myself, my H, my children, my family for a stupid walk down la la land. I have set up EP's and will continue to keep them and add additional ones in the future if necessary.

How do I get Mr. XYV to believe me though? These are just words to him. Words that he has heard before.

You all say that MB is all he needs to let go of his resentment and unhappiness but how? He does not know how to let go and I don't know how to help him let go? Time? Counceling with MB professionals? Is this what it will take?


Sorry I am ranting but I feel like we are on the edge of a breakthrough and my decisions and choices now can make it or break it.

Thank you all for your advice, perspective, and caring for both myeself and my H. Thank you for not giving up on me when I was a stupid foggy WW.

If you can get Mr. XVY on the phone with Steve that will be huge. Steve will give him a plan.

What does he need from you to feel safe? A recorder on you at all times? If so then do it. Whatever he needs to feel safe. If he needs a keylogger on your phone and all computers to email him hourly updates. Then do it.

What is it (besides your actions) that he needs to feel safe?

How can you hide an affair? Discuss the ways you could hide the affair and then eliminate that blind spot out of your lives. That is the answer.

Even if you have to buy a business and work together all the time, you need to figure out a way to do this. If your husband is uneasy when you are away, then stop being away! You will both be at ease if you can do that.


YES there is a surefire way. You have to be creative and find it.


I don't know that for sure. I have been sober in AA for 27 years and I can't say I will NEVER torture myself, etc.... All I can say is that I will protect my life in such a way that the opportunity can never present itself.


If you are with him all the time, you can't cheat. He will believe what he CAN SEE.


His resentment will fade when the present is happy. His happiness will return when he is SAFE. He is not safe and that is keeping him triggered. He shouldn't be placed in a position where he has to rely on your word. Trust will return when he can see with his EYES that you are being faithful.

You can also email the show and both be on the show together.

you work together??

Here is the thing...there is NOTHING that I am doing right now that is not making him safe. Well, actually I take that back. He did tell me two things yesterday that made him feel uneasy. I had NO clue that these were triggers to him and am stopping them right away...one of them being running around our neighborhood. No clue this was upsetting him, in fact I asked him on several occations if it was okay and he acted fine...only to find out yesterday that it made him uneasy.


In addition, I do not go out without him or without three people in particular that he trust (two of which were cheated on so he knows that I am safe with them).

He is actually the one that goes out more than I do. He however pretty much does the same thing, goes out with only people that I can trust. He does a golf league on Wednesday nights and likes to golf on the weekends. Working and golfing are pretty much his life right now.


I have suggested a recorder, a keylogger, etc... but his pride is keeping him from allowing any of those things. He keeps saying that he does not want to be my prison guard. That, that is not the marriage he signed up for.

It is his pride because yesterday when he started telling me things that bothered him, I had no clue and asked him why he never told me before and he said he did not want me to be mad at him or inconvenience me...what!!!!

I can't even believe that he thinks this but I feel that it has been this way our entire marriage. He has always been afraid to tell me how he really feels until it builds up and he blows up and he wants to run away rather than deal with it. I on the other hand have allowed my feelings to go because my guilt has always got in the way of allowing me to tell him how I really felt.

He is a classic conflict avoider and I learned to become one in our marriage because it was easier (obviously by where we are now, it is not the right way to go). I know we both need to break this habit and MB is the way.

Yes, we work together at a golf course. He manages it and I work the snack bar. He LOVES golf and the previous manager left, I knew he would be perfect for the job and he has been! This is great because we get to work together 2-3 days a week.

Another great idea! I was on by myself in january but I think it would be great if we were on together.