My H thinks I just sit round thinking bout it all day, therefore he thinks we cant move forward, but what he dosnt realise is that the thoughts ,memories, reminders just pop into your head, dates of times when they were together which just happended to fall on a niece & a nephews birthday,(1 being night in hotel). dates are alot harder to forget!! of all weekends, this one (hotel night when they watched footy together in between the s**) he has me go round to his friends to watch footy & gives our daughter a little bike same as he gave ow, he either is telling the truth & dosnt remember dates is pretending to be clueless......

Kimono, do the two of you ever talk about the affair?

Kimono I can't remember where you and your WH are in regards to recovery. I know it took me a long time and a lot of hammering from the MB crowd to stop talking about the A. Now when I am tempted to I do not allow it.

The same conscious effort has to be made to not THINK about the A. I also for a long time allowed myself the luxury (?) of obsessing over the details. WHY. I haven't got a clue, guess I just thought if I let myself forget about the pain, I would let him off the hook somehow, or lower my defenses, IDK I'm not Freud so I'm not sure WHY as a BS you allow yourself to wallow in the misery, when at the end it just makes you miserable. I have been making a very conscious decision NOT to allow it. When I want to check in on OW on facebook, I do not allow myself to. When I want to sit around thinking about details, when I want to allow the little devil on my shoulder to whisper things in my ear, I get busy doing something that I need to use my brain for or that is fun enough to make me forget about the bad thoughts. It is a practice I am still working on, and sometimes I lose to the urge but it can be controlled by making a conscious choice to control it many times.

When the thoughts start popping in my head, I literally tell myself "Unwritten, why would you want to think about that? That will only upset you and waste another moment/hour/day of your life. Choose happiness." Or something like that. I also divert my thoughts to my H, how remorseful he is, how broken he is, how I want to see him happy, how I want to be happy...what my goal is, because wallowing in the misery of obsessing about what happened does not allow me to reach that goal.

But, it took me a long time to get to where I was able to do this at all, and I still lose to the urge sometimes. Just thought I'd share the mind games I like to play with myself to keep these thoughts from creeping in.

One tactic that I used, shared with others, and received thanx for, was the following:

Every memory gets one viewing, one consideration, one dismissal, and then it never allowed to re-enter your thoughts.

Okay, WH and POSOW watched a footy game during their affair. You know where it was, you probably know the teams involved, what they did, what they ate/drank, etc, etc. Concentrate for one minute on that ugly picture. (We'll wait.) Time's up. Now - that memory can never be permitted to come back. If it does, you simply say, "There's nothing new there; I need not watch a re-run."

Kiddo, this is entirely about you, right now - your self re-inflicted pain, but also your strength and ability to block it. Start doing it now. You'll fail for a while - and then you'll start succeeding.

I'm sorry you're having to learn this skill, but will be happy if it helps.

hi kimono. i see from your sig line that your DD anti-versary is coming up, and that it's right around xmas. this year's holidays are going to be rough, but guess what? it only gets better from there. UW and NG have given you great advice. if you have had all your Qs answered about the a, then that's it. the first year is really tough, because you are still in that raw place. but you can't keep torturing yourself.

having said that, your H needs to understand that some bumpy emotional times are ahead for you, and that you will need - no, require - some emotional support during them. get as much UA time as you can, and make a real point to build new memories around those particular days a they come each year. and while you've got it on your mind, brainstorm some ways your H can help you, so that he's ready when the time comes. a simple phrase you can use, and a specific action he can take. this can be as straightforward as "now," and he hugs you, or whatever works for you.

he needs to understand that this is NOT rehashing the a, but that you are experiencing fallout from HIS mistake, and he should be helping you with that. working together to make new, happier memories will help the both of you in your recovery.

((((kimono))))

I know...the forgotten (or admitted) details will haunt and haunt you, if you let them. I know what you mean though: They watched a game together, they cooked food...I don't know why they did that, I don't know what food they cooked.

Your H gave OW a little bike, same as he gave your daughter? That would definitely trigger me.

I thought of you when I heard these clips of a BW having flashbacks of the affair. Please listen.
Radio clip on flashbacks
Segment #2

thank you all for some great advice, will be trying those ideas out in the coming months

no we dont talk about A, h prefers not as it isnt a time he wants to be reminded of, says it's too much hurt & we cant move on if we continue to talk of a.

That's what I wanted to hear. Good for your H! He's absolutely right. Every time I opened my mouth about the affair, it set us back. That didn't last too long (I'm a quick study ) But it lasted longer than it needed to and did us no favors.

I'm sitting here worried, does he have another phone, is he going out to say goodnight as he puts car away??? I know he's not going to be stupid enough to use his phone that I'm checking, I hate that this makes me all so paranoid all the time. yesterday my mother in law anounces a possible brain tumor on my father in law, now I'm worried he may call ow, even tho he says he never wants to talk to her again(of course i dont believe everything spoken). I'm trying to make sure I'm there, not sure what I can do to help as we wait results. like my life didnt hv enough stress.......im happy at end of each day to know ive got thru another day