First post here so bear with me and the acronyms.
Background:
Married 16yrs - divorced at yr 6 remarried less than a year later
2 DD 7 & 15
Dday 7-1-12
This is going to sound like a Springer episode at parts, but we really aren't those people.
I wanted and caused my first divorce with her. I was fed up with my wife's selfish, self-centered, constant me me me. There was no room for me. Instead of leaving like I should have, after an instance of intercourse where she just laid there like I was molesting her. (I am not trying to justify what I did. It was the most despickable/low thing I've ever done that I will be forever ashamed of.) I really did the unthinkable over a couple months. I saw a two high dollar call girls. When I did leave she found some of this out, and I admitted to exactly what it was. At the same time I was still done. I wanted out of the marriage and we divorced. Over the next few months we tried to reconcile a couple times, but nothing had changed.
At about the year mark she convinced me we could make it work. We remarried and happy for about 10yrs I guess, and had another child 7yrs ago.
After an over angered response to something petty I said. I checked her phone. My life ended on 7-1-12. From out of the blue I find out my WW had been having an affair with someone she had dated when we were divorced. Through her and other sources I've learned that it has been going on for about 6months, and she had been telling everyone the I am bipolar with alot of guns (which I'm not.) She even introduced him to her brother.
I knew nothing. As far as I knew we were the happiest couple I knew. We never really argue, much less yell. I thought we were happy being together watching our kids grow up. I'm still so confused.
We have since seperated. I believe her when she says the OM is out of the picture. She also says she wants us to reconcile. Just get over it and be happy again. I don't know if I'm just too shallow or what. I also know I have no high horse to be on. How the hell can someone get past not just the infidelity at this point in our lives, but the systematic character assination? I still love my wife, but after being around her for about 15 minutes I literally need the throw up. I haven't got in SAA yet, but plan on reading it as soon as I do. We tried Christian counceling, the christian part on accident, for 6 weeks. The only thing I got from the councilor was "I should have not called my wife 3x a day to say hi, even when I was gone for 24hrs. It makes me needy." I stopped wasting my money at that point. I don't know what to do. Get a reasonable councilor? Just smile and gut it out? Get the divorce I still don't want? I'm so confused - any advice would be appreciated.

Before any subsequent decisions are considered, the affair must be killed - DEAD - and her infidelity must be exposed to both your families. I fully understand that YOUR previous heinous behavior will be revealed during this process as well.

Is POSOM married/attached? An exposure on his side will be necessary as well.

Depending on the supporting environmental factors, WW might have to leave her job, or give up whatever activity drew them together, and probably eliminate some social media links they utilized.

Are you ready to fight?

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Is OM married?

Please read. Exposure 101

My previous heinous behavior is no secret to anyone in our immediate families. I believe the affair is DEAD. Her's is known to both families too. Which I might loose a couple of my family members if we reconcile. I'm willing to do that. The OM is not attached. I'm still not sure what environmental factors led to it. I have a pretty good idea it was Facebook, which he is not a friend anymore. She has a real problem giving up Facebook. She insists it's the only thing she has that is "her's". Which I don't get.

I am ready to fight for this. But I need more help than she is giving so far. I am constantly so exhausted and sick it's pathetic. I thought I was stronger than this.

On a side note the councilor we used really tried to pound into us that we should never have any "expectations" of each other. Because they are "traps." Are they really teaching that garbage. My wife bought into it. I have basic expectations of everyone I know. Those expectations grow as to how close I am to someone. ex. If we are going to try to work things out I expect her to be a big part of the healing, or it's not going to work. The councilor saw all expectations as unreasonable. I realize that I have a script in my head of what she should say to me. although it would be just, I realize that's an unreasonable expectation. How can there be any accountability without reasonable expectations. Sorry I rambled.

If you do this there is only ours, there is no mine. Joint facebook or no facebook.

Who did you expose to on OM's side?

Will she write a NC letter?

Have you told your kids?

I didn't expose anything on the OM's side, there is no one to expose to. My W told me he was told that I knew everything, and it had to stop. I still don't know everything, but I already know more than I can properly handle.

I don't know about the NC letter, I just heard about it. I'll have to see.

As good as it would feel to tell my 15yr old. I'm not evil enough to badmouth her mother to her in that way. I feel it's innapropriate.

Have you read this? Exposure 101

It has what Dr. Harley says about telling the children. Telling them the truth is not bad mouthing their mother, withholding information concerning their life is.

You need to find out OM's family and expose on his side. Does he have facebook?

Telling my 15yr old would be a double edged sword for me. I couldn't do it without revealing my past failure.

I don't know much about the OM, much less his family. I'm sure he has a facebook, but I don't want to be put myself out as a victim in public.

I don't know what the right thing to do is. I think I'm past being vengeful. I just want my marriage to be good.

texdb1,

First you say this

you are told to expose - an you give an excuse

you are told she needs to write the no contact letter - and you say "I'll have to see"

you are told that your daughter needs to be told the truth - and you say it would be inappropriate.

What good is asking for advice if you are not going to take it? We are telling you how to break up the affair and get your marriage back. Isn't that what you want? I know these ideas seem counter-intuitive and scary. But that is how hundreds of us have gotten to where we are. So why not listen?

~RQ

Texdb1,

You and your wife are an example of a couple that CAN make it work - but it's time to accept that you need real expert help. You guys already tried it before, and it apparently worked right (!?) but since the FOUNDATION of that re-marriage was faulty (like a nice condo with shaky foundation), you guys have ended up back to square 1.

The solution is to go back and repair the foundation rather than just tear the whole darn thing down and walk away forever.

So yes, the ideas of MB seem counter-intuitive to you - but surely you realize that you are not a marriage saving expert right? I know you guys may have gotten this impression since you had several happy years after remarriage but it's clear that you guys did not apply important concepts (proper exposure, even the first time around, extraordinary precautions, and I'm going to guess there wasn't proper UA time either).

So, are you ready to fix the foundation?

MB is not about getting over an affair and then moving on with life. It's about dealing with the affair properly, removing the conditions which made it possible, and rebuilding a BETTER marriage than before, but with lifelong (****lifelong****) effort to maintain it.