Hello my question is, if you've already divorced, but are now considering reconciliation, should you be seeing each other and seeing other people?

Background:

My husband and I were married for nearly 13 years. The last five to eight years, the communication broke down, my husband went into a depression, I started emasculating him and mothering him, our sex life was not good at all and things just continued to deteriorate. Two years before splitting up, I discovered that he was spending around six hours a night looking at online porn, including frequenting live sites where you can interact with other "regular" people in your area. I was devastated, but it explained our lack of sexual relations. We put porn blockers on the computers and tried to work through it privately together, but admittedly, I never got past it.

Then at the end of last year, I met someone and there was a connection with him that caused me to take a long hard look at all of the problems between me and my husband. This lead to me splitting off with my husband. Then I started dating the other man within a couple of weeks. We fell in love fast and hard, but as you probably suspected, that relationship didn't last and after months of on again off again with that man, we split up.

A couple of months ago (about two months before the divorce was set to become finalized), and after about six months apart (and also living 2.5 hours apart), my husband and I reconnected. There was still a spark. He had been working on the things that caused us to grow apart and I also had been working on myself and my own issues and communication skills. We decided to go ahead with the divorce, so that we could start fresh, because the old marriage was broken, he viewed the relationship with the other man as an affair, because I met and connected with him before the split and again, we just wanted to start over. We are still living 2.5 hours apart.

So far, it has been going really well, but he is hesitant to be exclusive, because he is still so hurt by me and by the relationship I had with the other man. As of at least two weeks ago, my now ex-husband was still seeing other women and having relations with them. I'm not having relations with him (or anyone), because I find it is best for me to avoid having sex with someone unless I'm in an exclusive relationship. Thankfully, he respects my boundaries. That said, it hurts and it's hard for me to trust him and open up completely, when I know he's dating other women and he has admitted to lying and withholding information about it. I understand, he has trust issues with me (rightfully so, but I'm trying to regain his trust) and wants to take things slow.

We are using the principles and tools on the marriage builders site, which have been so amazingly helpful. We are working with the tools laid out for those in a marriage where the wife had an affair. I'm grateful that we are communicating and trying to rebuild our relationship, but I'm having a hard time believing that it's productive with our history that it's good for us to be "dating" each other, saying that we love one another and making future plans, when he's seeing other women. I told him that if that's the way it has to be until it's time to become exclusive then I also will continue to date, but I really haven't been dating, because I don't know what to do. It's too confusing and I don't want to drag other parties into such a complicated situation or lead perfectly nice men on. If it matters, my ex-husband is 40 and I'm 39. We don't have children.

I'm just struggling, because the advice given on your website is geared toward people who are still married and who likely are still living not only in the same city, but the same house. Your help is much appreciated.

Thank you!

P.S. We are now texting, talking and emailing daily. We are seeing one another at least every other weekend and also for four our five days at a time when he is between freelance gigs. We also just had our first Skype date and plan to use that as a tool during the week, when we can't get together in person.

How long has the divorce been final?

How do you know his porn addiction is under control?

What actions has he showed you that he has changed? What EPs have you both put in place for yourselves?

What boundaries have you put in place?

Well Writeon .. welcome to MB. I agree with Brainhurts ... those are some good questions to ask yourself and your ex.

Have you seen this? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cohabitation.html - Living together before marriage.

I know you were married already at one point so maybe it will give you some insight into how to make it right this time.

If you put some EPs into place (extraordinary precautions) and follow mb and get your UA time in and meet eachothers needs on a consistant basis .. you could have a much better marriage than you had previously.

MNG

Ironically my H and I talked about starting fresh just tonight. I would definately implement MB in your new relationship. Way to get started on a guaranteed positive note.

I also think that if you guys are seeing each other, even if it is not serious yet that you should not be seeing anyone else.

This is just my opinion but the pre bagage needs to be dropped off at the door of this new relationship.

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moderator's note: please help this poster with MB concepts or refrain from posting.

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I encourage you to email the MB Radio show and ask for Dr Harleys advice.
Copy and paste what you originally posted and send it to the radio show

Please read this article.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5035_qa.html

Thank you BrainHurts. Here are answers to your questions:

We split last year, but the divorce wasn't finalized until last month.

I honestly don't know for sure that his porn addiction is under control, but his behavior indicates that he's likely telling the truth about it.

Actions: He is finally being communicative about his feelings and needs with me and and is much more attentive. He is more engaged in life in general and has become very physically active.

Extraordinary precautions: None at the moment, considering we still live in different cities. I cut off all contact with the man I was seeing, unfriended him on FB and deleted his number. I'm sure we'll run into one another, because we have many mutual friends, but I'm committed to radical honesty and plan to tell my ex if and when this happens. Also, I offered to let him look at my phone whenever he wants to, and give him my email and Facebook passwords, but he said no (I'm assuming because he still wants to keep his private).

As far as boundaries, I've told him I'm uncomfortable being fully intimate until I'm in an exclusive and committed relationship, so we are not having relations. As of the moment, I'm not sure of what other boundaries we should consider, though I'd be interested in hearing your advice.

Thanks Mr.NiceGuy. I'll check out the link!

Thanks fifteenyears. I appreciate the insight. Good luck to you!

Thanks HDW!

It looks to me like you have three choices:

1) You can do like he wants and date him while he dates other people.

2) You can remain friends and text and skype, but nothing romantic.

3) You can avoid any contact with him unless he wants to date you exclusively.

The first two choices will eat at you and build tremendous resentment. The third establishes healthy boundaries for your protection.

But the choice is yours and yours alone. Since you are divorced, he doesn't owe you any special consideration or loyalty.

Thanks schtoop. I actually was thinking about No. 3 over the weekend, but it felt like and ultimatum, so I was torn on it. That said, I was thinking of it more as telling him that we should avoid contact while he's still in this "unsure" period, so that he can have time to think about things, decide what he wants and get to a place where he's ready. Realistically, I understand how his new freedom to do whatever he wants and see whomever he wants is attractive and hard to let go of, because I enjoy it too. But, I think also that he has to make a decision. I don't want to force him into it.

Again, thanks for your insights.

You're still not looking at it quite correctly.

You are not comfortable dating him while he is dating and sleeping with other women. You probably wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship with any man that was. So, if this was a new person you just started going out with, you would probably tell them pleasantly and lovingly that you enjoy their company and think they are a great guy, but you're just not comfortable dating someone who isn't exclusive. Then you would let this person go and not think anymore about them.

It's not an ultimatum, you're not trying to change anyone or force them do something. YOU get to chose who and under what circumstances you will be involved with.

Here's a clip about remarrying your ex.
Radio clip on remarrying your ex

you don't have to make it for him. make it for YOU. you don't want to have a serious relationship with someone who is dating others. when he is ready, he can let you know, and if you're still available, well then, you can decide.

Thanks BrainHurts for the link. Clearly I've been away from the discussion board for awhile, but today checked in to see if there were any responses I missed in September.

I'm happy to report, things have been going really well with the ex-husband. We stuck with the MB tools and finally moved to a point of exclusivity. Ironically, he was ready for it before me, but after about two weeks, I told him I didn't want to see anyone else either and we've been in a very happy place for the past month.

We are looking forward to spending the holidays together, and while there are still little bumps in the road, we are communicating and sticking with the tools.

Thanks to you and to everyone for the advice and for listening to me. We have a long road ahead to full reconciliation, but are talking about the future, being in the same city and ultimately remarrying one another and truly starting over in with a new commitment.

Thank you!

Cheers,

Melanie

Hi Letty. I just wrote this to another commenter, but wanted to send it to you too as an update, but mainly to thank you. Clearly I've been away from the discussion board for awhile, but today checked in to see if there were any responses I missed in September.

I'm happy to report, things have been going really well with the ex-husband. We stuck with the MB tools and finally moved to a point of exclusivity. Ironically, he was ready for it before me, but after about two weeks, I told him I didn't want to see anyone else either and we've been in a very happy place for the past month.

We are looking forward to spending the holidays together, and while there are still little bumps in the road, we are communicating and sticking with the tools.

Thanks to you and to everyone for the advice and for listening to me. We have a long road ahead to full reconciliation, but are talking about the future, being in the same city and ultimately remarrying one another and truly starting over in with a new commitment.

Thank you!

Cheers,

Melanie