Hey guys!

Just want to first say, I so appreciate everyone here and all the threads, very insightful!

Been married 14 years and we are best friends, spend every waking moment together, and have two beautiful children. We are both pretty happy people and our life is very much full of the things both of us love.

Ok, so on to my question...

I am a communicator, and I am very aware of my feelings and am able to communicate them articulately and accurately, and these are things my wife appreciates. She is about the polar opposite of this. Not only does she typically not know what she is feeling, she seems incapable of communicating them. This is a very common trait in her family, as her two older brothers also know nothing about communicating feelings and her parents don't do it either.

Anyway, I have come to accept this as the way she is, but over the years it has become harder for me to deal with. Admiration, affirmation, etc. Basically the verbal emotional needs mixed with affection, etc. are what meet my emotional needs, and it seems like the years have sort of compacted and I find myself desiring it more now.

I've learned over the years to stay away from sharing these needs directly as it is the only thing that has ever caused friction in our marriage. In the times when we have been able to communicate about these things without her becoming defensive she has shared that her emotional needs are best met when I am NOT sharing that mine are not.

Essentially she says that my needs are unreasonable, and that how could I ask her to speak or behave in a way she is not wired to speak or behave, and I tend to agree with her, and so I have made great strides to resist these thoughts or desires and instead focus on loving her how she is, and seeing to it her needs are met.

I want to maintain peace and harmony, which we have as long as I don't bring this up, so what do you suggest we do?

And I will add we went through this site together in addition to lots of similar marriage courses over the years, and I will add all to our profit, and she understands these verbal needs, and she even jokes about her incapacity to meet them. So, within the family and friends, its sort of become the running joke that I am the female in the relationship and that I want her to use "flowery" words with me. (That's her words)

So, the bottom line is, she knows, understands, and is very much aware of these things I desire, but she feels like it is her right not to meet them since she believes herself incapable of it.

She compares this to her having a need for me to make $300,000 a year and I only make $100,000. So her point is, how can I ask her for something she does not have?

Alright, talk to me guys!

Hi Zack, welcome to Marriage Builders. My suggestion would be to get the book, His Needs, Her Needs and read up on how romantic is created in marriage. People fall in love when certain needs are met effectively. They fall out of love when they are not. So, by ignoring your complaints, your wife is setting you up to fall out of love. She may not be aware of this.


This is what Dr Harley terms a "freeloaders" mentality. And it is destructive to marriage. Take a look at his definitions.

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyers believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Renters believe Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.

Didn't you post here before? Seems like you were here before and had the perfect marriage but she wouldn't communicate and it devolved into a bitter debate with board members?

I believe what we have here amounts to a disrespectful judgement, no?
Perhaps you and your wife could re-read the info on disrespectful judgements.

If you agree, then the premise she is basing her argument on is false. Who's to say you are not capable of making $300/year? And who's to say she is incapable of meeting your EN's?

Personally, I think anyone is capable of just about anything with the right motivation and desire.

Does your wife desire to have the best marriage possible? Do you think she would want to have a marriage better than she ever thought possible?

~optimism

Hey! I remember you! Why didn't you mention that you posted here before? Why the new name? And why not bump the old thread?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2611359#Post2611359

Please contact the moderators about multiple aliases. We will lock the thread until this is resolved. Thank you