I hope this is the right place to put this post. It may already exist, but as I've been reading individuals stories, I've found myself copy/pasting words of encouragement and what reactions and outcome were of exposure.

Since exposure seems to be one of the toughest things to get people to do, I thought it would be great to have one thread where those who have done it can post that they've done it and maybe how, what the reaction of the WW/WH and how you dealt with it. Maybe other stuff like how long it took for the affair to die and how long the WS was furious.

Just an idea, if it's a bad one, kill the thread.

Typically, the WS is mad for a few days depending on the effectiveness of the exposure. If the exposure dealt a death blow to the affair, the anger dissipates sooner. If the exposure didn't kill the affair, the anger lasts longer, because it is the FOG that causes the anger.

But I coach BSs to ignore the anger and focus on their affair busting PLAN. The anger of the WS is not significant or important. Picture a falling down drunk who gets angry when his car keys are taken away? Who cares about his anger?

It is a huge distraction to pay any attention to the WS anger. If you do care, then you are distracted from your P!AN.

I second this. I was scared to death of exposure. I myself had some pretty foggy thinking about WW's A.

Exposure pushes people off the fence ... no more sitting on it! Cant have your cake and eat it too ... That will only further the WS 's agenda and allow them .. err ENABLE them to go underground more with the affair and drag out the hurt even more. Best to get it over with ... and shed some light on the life sucking vampire for what it is and see it either cower away and run to the darkness or burn in the heat.

MNG

Great idea, little!

A Reason for telling kids....

Back in November of 2011 I had a conversation with POSOM. Part of the conversation was about telling my DD8 about OM. POSOMs point was it was wrong for me to tell my daughter. His motivations were selfish of course. Anyways, he did tell me what a great decision he and has wife had made in terms of shielding their children. Fast forward to this summer, his oldest daughter found text messages in her moms phone that revealed the true extent of the affair. POSOMs oldest daughter left for school this year telling her father she never wanted to see or speak to him again. Point is that the kids (especially the older ones) will figure it out....

Here are few exposure threads that were very well done. You may not get a lot of responses from the actual members that conducted their exposure since they have since moved on (happily, hopefully), so I'll add these to your thread.

Okay, maybe NW and HFD will post their tales in a nutshell form. Those were both successful and they are still around.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2209931&page=1

Dr. Scott wound up divorced anyway because his wife had yet another affair. However, it's still a good lesson on exposure and it's effect when done properly. It's just unfortunate for him that he married a completely broken woman.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=160043&Number=2365838#Post2365838

Felt so bad for this kid when I read this thread. He was only 25 when he had to deal with all this, and handled it with a grace that is truly admirable.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2421615&page=1

Now this one is a very good definition of the typical BH when he first gets here. Denial, denial, denial. I'm different, my wife would never do this to me, I know her better than YOU guys, YOU don't know our situation at all, blah, blah, blah, etc., etc., etc.

And then it happens...

That sickening adultery sunrise breaches the horizon. I'm not picking on Humbled here. I'm quite sure he would agree (as many more would as well). Just stating it as it has developed way too many times, and usually the exact same way.

Hope this adds a little something to what you were trying to accomplish with this thread.

I'll add more when I have more time as I do think this thread is a pretty good idea.

When I exposed my H's affair he was VERY angry - as was POSOW. She even called to threaten me with legal action.
(Where's the eye-roll icon?!) I received nasty text messages from my H that I was "going to be responsible for a murder-suicide" (because OW's H was SUPPOSEDLY abusive...) along with a couple of other choice statements.

Exposure is really a case where you just have to "feel the fear and do it anyway." I was lucky to have someone hold my hand through the process. Really thankful for that!

Within days of exposure to the OW's H's family - and eventually to him - the A was busted completely. It wasn't long after that when H started talking reconciliation. We are just shy of 2 years of recovery and happier than ever!

I would do it again in a heartbeat.

AND...if they don't figure it out, kids will blame themselves for what's going on with mom and dad. That is MUCH worse than them knowing the truth - that infidelity was the culprit and not them.

the best exposure story i've seen is rainysweets here. it took her a loooooooong time to do it, but when she did - BOOM!

how i wish i had known about MB when my H had his a. exposure would have meant so much and really helped our marriage immensely; it would have helped ME immensely. when we had our "hiccup" earlier this year, i exposed, and it's the best thing i ever did. with nowhere to turn, and any nefarious activity exposed to the light of day and no longer seen as just "nothing, only in jest," etc ad nauseum, it puts the brakes on any skylarking/daydreaming about the future.

asking for help with your M, and having others have your back, is strengthening when you feel you are at your lowest. exposing to our DD was hard, but for them it's like everything has been blurry, and exposure brings everything in to focus. kids want their families to stay together. they are a powerful force.

and let's face it, honesty is required in any good relationship. our relationship with our DD has only gotten *better.*

exposure = empowerment

and that's exactly what every beaten-down, bleeding-on-the-floor newly BS needs. it IS your best weapon in saving your marriage.

Melody has a good analogy about comparing a angry wayward to a falling down drunk upset that his car keys have been taken away from him.

I have been taught that allowing people to face natural consequences (like the truth) helps the wayward or drunk or anyone that is out of the way.

Personally I exposed to everyone.
And I'm glad that I did.
Ww was furious. OM was furious.
Exposure did not save my marriage.
I am now divorced.

I am glad I exposed. Especially to my kids. They know the truth and they will remember that adultery destroys marriages for the rest of their lives.

Exposure is NOT a tool to save marriages.

Exposure IS a tool to KILL AFFAIRS.

A marriage cannot be repaired while there is an active affair.


So, the logic goes; Kill the Affair -----> Set the Requirements for recovery -----> Begin recovery.


Exposure is best utilized as early, and as far and wide, as possible. The more "shock and awe" in the exposure, the more likely it is to kill the affair dead.

Reluctance to expose, especially when the WS knows that the BS is fully aware of the affair, will wear down the effectiveness of exposure as the WS/AP spin yarns about poor marriages, or a jealous BS who doesn't approve of a "friendship."



Is it 100% effective in killing affairs?

No. But, it's your best shot.

It also carries the secondary benefit of pulling in support for the BS.


A tertiary benefit is in identifying relationships toxic to the marriage if reconciliation begins.

I wish i had followed the advice on exposure. I was originally was in denial. Purchased some horrible programs, and tried to work them with an unwilling spouse.

I did it all wrong, and only exposed to a couple people, what a colossal mistake(due to fear)
She even gave me a roadmap, when i found out about the affair and confronted her. She asked me what i was going to tell our friends, family and finally our kids (in that order)
Her first thought was her reputation around the community, her own children last.
I could have at least had a chance to save my marriage, had I done the shock and awe exposure.
After months of thinking there was no affair, I was barely hanging on at work and at home, and gave up.

Once exposure is done (everyone that matters), stay strong and unapologetic.

Edit to add this link:

My exposure to OW's husband was face to face with my WH doing the exposure himself !!!

We're happily married and adultery free.

I would not change a word of this ... Excellent reply.

My exposure timeline:

Day 0: Scared to death. Did it anyway. WW alternately angry, suicidal, depressed, screaming, sobbing. In-laws furious with me.
Day 1-2: WW depressed.
Day 3-7: Cooked meals together. Shared a take out meal. Went to an art museum. Shared 4 hours in the car & sang songs in the car.
Day 8: Had first coaching session w/ Steve. WW moved her furniture back into our home, drove around w/ mother-in-law shopping for necessary things. Things with in-laws back to normal.
Day 9: Visited with sister-in-law and kids. Went to a church Bible study together. Went grocery shopping. Stayed up really late talking about adolescent fashion decisions, embarrassing family photos, and a bunch of other things.

The key is that exposure kills the affair DEAD. With the other person out of the way, you've got a spouse with a lot of needs, and you're in a place to meet them. You don't have to compete with the other person anymore.

Exposure must be swift and total. If you're in doubt if someone should know, tell them.

If you decide not to expose: just go file divorce now. Nobody cannot compete with the emotional elation of an affair.

Non-exposure timeline

1950's sometime, my FIL cheats on my MIL before marriage.

1960's my FIL continues to cheat, MIL contemplates suicide her very young son talks her out of it.

1970's my FIL starts having kids with a 2nd pseudo W.

1980's My MIL finds out about extra kids, is saved from suicide by a friend.

1990's FIL ruined by gross financial dishonesty liars lie about everything.

2000's FIL dependent on MIL.

Today MIL in 80's wants a divorce almost too old to manage it.

When I first ran into MB I thought exposure was crazy, until I thought of my MIL and FIL, had my MIL put his picture on a poster in the 1950 she might have missed out on 50 years of torment.

My FIL lived a nice life for the most part, ate well, slept well, until his lies caught up with him. There is no reason a BS has to keep quiet enabling a WS to put the burden of shame on the wrong person.

God Bless
Gamma

My FWW and OM worked for a Christian non-profit. I got the most mileage from my in-laws who were furious and had no qualms at telling my FWW that. FIL threatened to kick OM's [censored], so my wife got one thing very clear:

OM was not ever going to be welcome by her family. She had planned on introducing him after the divorce, certainly not before. That was critical as it burned that bridge to the ground leaving me and the kids as the only option save a one-bedroom apartment somewhere.

OM's wife may have been instrumental as well, as I told her that I'd be happy to help her out if she needed testimony in her divorce case.

After FWW quit the job, OM sent her a text and I responded with a verbal onslaught over the phone. He later left me a message saying he was backing off, not to be mad and that if I left him alone he'd leave me alone. He, it seemed, thought that I had an anger issue.

There's pissed purple and then there's where the purple gets pissed off as well. I was about one hundred times madder than that hearing advice from some little [censored] like him.

I sent a letter to every person that they worked with explaining why my wife quit and that, though married, my FWW was OM's third round. It was probably forty envelopes. I sent one to his father and sister as well but never heard from them.

OM's boss called me a few days after, saying all this was news to him, that he wasn't impressed, that he'd surely talk to OM about it as they kept in touch, but that OM had quit the job as well.

Last I heard, OM was working with some equipment rental place in a bad part of town. I hope he gets mugged.