I have very recently stopped talking about the A. For a long time it was details, gory sexual details I wanted to know. But in the last few months it has been, as in your BH's case, the do you still think about (OW1 or OW2), do you think of this as a good experience, etc. I asked the same questions over and over and H always answered them, always the same. It wasn't so much that I didn't know what the answer was, for me I think it was a reassurance of some sort. Reassurance that it was ME he wanted to be with.

Try to look past the anger, hostility, etc. and see that what your BH is really looking for is soothing, if that is the right word. He is coming from a place of intense pain, regardless of how it is coming out. Do whatever is in your power to help him heal from that pain.

Don't go there, WAW...that is a DJ.

WAW,
I hope you can endure a thread-jack:

I have very recently stopped talking about the A. - unwritten
UW, I was at one time very sure you would never reach that point. Good on you, Ma'am!

<End of TJ>

Now in my case I did not have to worry about triggering in terms of H wanting to go back to an AP, considering it was a decade old A. Is that something that happens with you? Do you still struggle with the addiction piece?

BS definitely accuses me of holding on to fond memories. Perhaps that is why I make sure to not have any memories. Now I see the ridiculousness of him then asking me to remember them.

Start T/J

Thank you NG. Really, the problem with my thread is I only pound out thoughts on it when I am not getting my UA time, EN's met, am frustrated by some lack of progress on H's part, in a bad mood, ready to throw in the towel, and sound like I have made little to no progress. The reality for most days is quite different. I just never seem to want to write the good stuff.

My attitude, on MOST days, has made a 180 since my first post. My effort level, on MOST days, has come along with it. But, I still have my days...

Work in progress.

End T/J

I was not saying it to be mean. I think that it is important to him that when an addiction is overcome that you have control over it rather than avoid it. He has been able to do that and expects the same of me. Part of what scares him is that he thinks there is a part of me that I cannot control.

unwritten,

Any time you want to say something positive about your marriage you are welcome to post on my thread.

I am not struggling with the addiction. I am not pining for the POSOM. He is not a part of my life (except as needed by my BS).

My AP is a POS. I cannot check to see what level my Love Bank for POSOM is at. Has my intellectual knowledge that no friend of mine would participate with me in the destruction of my family emptied it? I hope so. If I ever ran into him again, I hope to feel nothing but the disgust I feel about the A.

Do I still longing for someone who admires me and will have a conversation without DJ, AO, or SD. Heck yea! But I got all the time in the world for wait for him to believe that I am here for him.

I did not mean to imply that your BH is being ridiculous. His insecurity is completely normal and to be expected.

I was just trying to help you understand his internal conflict.

I don't understand how you can "make sure not to have any memories." That is not believable. What your BH needs is for you to understand and "get" that there is nothing warm, fuzzy, or special about OM and your escapades together. It was cruel and selfish.

It bothers me that you are using the word ridiculous here.

Then try a respectful request to tweak focus from the past into the present day.

"How would you feel.. If instead I talked about how I feel about YOU /how I feel about POSOM TODAY."

But if he wants to go over your 'evidence' again, that is not ridiculous it is a man who is in a desperate search for identifiable truth.

The evidence is all gone due to work emails, so all you have to offer him is patient explanation and whatever else, like a poly, you can creatively come up with to offer him.

Its hard, but its JC to give him what he needs.

Has he ever said that this would be his approach to alcoholism?

I did not think you thought my BS was ridiculous. I was just expressing my own frustration with the external conflict caused by his internal conflict.

How did I "erase" my memory? The year after DDay was very abusive. My BS verbally abused me for hours every day and night for months. I coped by burying the cause of the abuse. The full out assault has ended but I do not feel the A is a safe topic.

This forum seems to view that BS have a right to abuse their FWS for life (if the BS chooses). As long as no physical abuse occurs it is part of just compensation. If the FWS cannot handle the consequences of her A then leave. Everyone has a right to an opinion and mine is that the line for where abuse is no longer acceptable is before physical abuse. It took a lot of abuse before I accepted that. You really have to suffer abuse before you know what it is like and how you will respond to it.

Maybe this is the topic I need to take to the radio show. I just can't seem to encapsulate it well. Describe the abuse. Describe the time since the abuse. Then ask whether I should discuss the details of the A again to test whether my BS might become a crazy man again?

For himself, yes because he has been accused of being an alcoholic before.

I am trying to implement ideas like yours from Love Busters.



I have all my work e-mails. They just aren't the type of message you asked about, ones that would show feelings. They would show frequency of communication. I would essentially send messages about nothing important just to send a message. There was a lot more one-on-one message traffic that had incidental "how is your day going" stuff.

I used the e-mail a long time ago to reconstruct the timeline. Not that there was much content but the context triggered memories.

It is an option. I guess BS and I need to brainstorm a plan and figure out an option that we are both enthusiastic about (or at least that won't give me chest pains).

I'm pretty sure no one said this.

People were discussing offering honesty freely, not taking abuse.

What abuse are you talking about?

If the emails typify the things you talked about, show it to yoour BH.

He probably has a very different idea and he needs accurate information like this.

Do you have concerns that he is?

Who else does?

Does he agree?

The only thing I have to fear is fear itself. And it is eating me alive. I have to get past my fear of talking to him. I have my own defensive barrier that I am afraid to take down.

I am just not sure that the affair is the best place to start. But if I get past that one then I shouldn't ever be afraid again.

This is quite a DJ to posters. I cannot think of one poster who would say that.

AOs for example are considered a complete no-no in MB.




But what is this abuse you are talking about it and HOW are you responding to it?

We can't guess.