I want to add a couple of thoughts for you.

Never give up hope. Never give up on yourself.

However this turns out, you can grow in ways you never thought possible. After dday, I thought my M was over. We had a 9mo FR but now we are almost 10 months into R and our M has never been better. Yes, it is a very difficult struggle for us. Yes, it is not all Skittles and Rainbows..R is HARD. Very hard. Good days, Great days, Bad days. Yep. We get them all.

However, MB has given us the tools to create a marriage environment I never thought possible. Following this plan is allowing us to have the M we always wanted. It can for you too.

There are no guarantees in this. You don�t know how it is going to turn out. I think that is the scariest part. The fear of the unknown. Following the vets advice here will give you the best chance. ML and others can guide you through.

I encourage you to STAY STRONG. Do not bend and enable her. She has stabbed you in the heart, kicked you in the face and done despicable deeds. Don�t roll over and let her continue to do so. You must be strong now in a kind and respectful way. As HARD as that is..it is the right thing to do.

There is hope. Don�t let it fade.

You can't believe anything she is saying at this point.

If I'd have been asked that, I'd have laughed and said something along the lines of "Is that all you're worried about?" while walking away.

Please read all of this and the other link that's in the thread. Watch for the same things.
False Recovery

I remember times in the height of my depression sitting in the living room with my kids (wife had been kicked out of the house) and all of us SCREAMING at the TOP of our lungs trying to release anxiety�.the kids thought it was funny�.little did they know the reasons why. There can be so much pinned up anxiety that we all have to find ways to release it. Actually, screaming did help. lol. Although the neighbors probably thought I was insane!

Thanks for the posts 20. I appreciate them, as I do from all of you who are helping me through this, the WORST time in my life.

Still ZERO fallout from exposure. I think POSOM may be out of town, he apparently travels (regularly?) for work. In her work, they are right now in the process of the busiest time of the month or quarter. I don't know if HR, and bosses are going to do nothing, are waiting for busy time to be over, or if they are just formulating an action plan.

Speaking of action plan, I've been in contact with one of her co-workers I exposed to and he has been asking questions. But I told him our marriage can survive, and we can have a better M than ever before, and that this is not just some pipe dream, that I have a plan (MB). So, forgive me for the stupid question, which I think I already know the answer to, what's my plan? I'm assuming following the SAA book to a Tee. I just imagine this co-worker coming back and saying, so what's your plan. I don't want say uh, umm, .......

Aside from killing the affair and NC letter, is there a short version of "the plan" that can be or should be conveyed?

SOOOOooo much reading to do. All these 1000's of threads, the books. Don't know where to start. Feel like if I'm reading one thing, I should be reading something else.

Is there anywhere that lists in a basic outline format with ideal timelines the recommended process of SAA?

More questions.

So because I'm such an unloving husband, I always would go to the store just because she wanted something a snack or a drink. I'd make her lunch and breakfast for work. Cook dinner. And alot more, small, caring things that I always thought showed I Love her. My question is, since I'm Plan A-ing it, and only 2 days ago I found out she's been sexual with POSOM, do I continue to do those kind of things. Wouldn't not doing them be LB's? Or is doing them enabling her affair. "Have sex with him, I'll still make you breakfast"

On the way to work today (oh I also always take her to and pick up from work), she was mumbling about really wanting a coffee. So I dropped her off, dropped off DD at school, and went got a coffee for her. She came down to get it and was thankful. Just don't know how I'm supposed to act around her right now. Looking at her hurts so bad. I know how I want to act, but it would do nothing but push her to POSOSM. MIght as well just drive her over there.

To start, you don't have to answer to the co-worker so put that at the bottom of your list. "My plan is to get this POS OM out of our lives and I'd appreciate your using your influence with WW to make that happen."

Still no answer at POSOM (assumed) Mom's phone number. Left a message yesterday which may have been a huge error on my part since I left my name. But nobody called back. It may not be her though. If it is his Mom, she probably would've called him to ask "do you know who this "BS" is? Bcuz he called her asking about you". If that happened POSOM would've texted my WW about it and I assume I would've heard about it. Just tried calling again, and got answering machine again. Going to try again later today but *67 my phone and see if that works.

You've discovered that Plan A really sucks for a betrayed spouse. You want to Plan A, eliminate LBs and be an all around nice guy to live with BUT making sure that she knows that you will not chose to stay married to her if the affair continues.

MelodyLane posts a nice list of "Things that will make me stay married to you" that she suggests to many BS's. Maybe she'll post it for you, I'm having trouble finding it.

So, keep up with the Plan A until you cannot do it any longer. You'll know when you're there, and I don't think you're there yet.

Give exposure a little time. Have you covered all of her friends and family, directly asking them to intervene? OM's family, mother or whoever spawned him?

I'll post the link that Pepperband posts about the carrot and stick of Plan A.

Ok, my theory was, the more info he had, so long as it wasn't bashing my WW, the better he would be able to help. I know she has already been talking with him in the past about our M, so figured I might benefit from him knowing more of my side of the story. His response, which I posted a few pages back, was at first, that he didn't want to get involved unless she came to him as it's a very personal matter. So I don't know if that's changed, but he's been the only one I exposed to that has been talking to me about it. This morning, he asked how do I know, did WW tell me? Told him I had plenty of proof and yes, she admitted it.

Read this on how to act when she's at home...

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...&Number=2296184&nt=11&page=1

Keep trying OM's mother. Your supposition that your WW would have heard about the message seems correct. Mother may be out of town.

Gotta go now, DD pickup at school, be back later. Thank you!

If she appreciates these little gestures, then continue to do them.

One thing though, have you read Chapman's "Five languages of love"? They are kind like Harley's emotional needs, just broken down a little differently. One the love languages is "acts of service", which it sounds like you enjoy doing for her. Only one problem, it might not be HER top love language (or emotional need).

That's what happened in my situation, I for years tried to show my ex-wife love by doing acts of service, cooking great dinners, caring for the kids, doing the housework, making her life as easy as possible so that she could devote time to the kids. But guess what, none of that was filling her love bank. What she really wanted was conversation, admiration and affirmation, and affection, which I didn't provide much of because I was caught up in acts of service.

Oh, I thought he was asking how you were going to save your marriage.

Short answer is the same--use your influence to get OM out of the picture and here is my proof.

He's not another OM is he? You sure as hell don't want to create one while trying to get rid of one.

I bet the coworker is trying to get intel for your wife. Might be fun to feed him some scary stuff about having them "watched" , etc. Just be creative!

Don't forget to follow up that exposure email with a real paper letter delivered to them. You can skip the ones that have already responded, but I'd make sure to get those out today.

Emails get missed sometimes. Letters with envelopes clutter desks and are harder to ignore.

Wow, good point.

You never know so it's probably best to toss some misinformation in there as well.

Stay strong, 2little_2late. Become a detective: figure out your wife's top emotional needs. What ENs did the OM meet? Zero in on those.

For the first few days after exposure, nothing the WS says will make a lick of sense. It will get better day by day.

Eliminate lovebusting behaviour to the greatest extent possible, regardless of your own emotional state.

Have you been spying on the last 4 years of my life? That's exactly what I was doing right and wrong at the same time. And most likely the exact same EN's not being met. I know she told me felt unappreciated, unattractive, and unloved. There may have been a few more mentioned or probably even a few she didn't. Me with my head stuck in the clouds never took the comments for what they really were, and argued that I was doing things that should make her feel loved. Just needed to find this site before this S* went south. Too late for that now.