The point of snooping isn't simply to "stop" someone from having an affair. A crafty wayward who is determined to stray can easily work around snooping if they feel their spouse is wise to their actions.

Snooping is part of a much more comprehensive plan to affair-proof a marriage. There is more that must be done. Proof of this is in your own post:

Spending a lot of time apart is bad for a marriage.

How much UA time did the two of you have, prior to the A? How much do you have now?

Mr. XVY, please start your own thread so we can talk with you. It will make it easier for us to work with you. We're not meanies, really!

MB,

We just got off the phone and my H said the same thing you just did about finding ways to have an A even with precautions up. Yes, if you really want to have an A no matter what you can find sneaky ways in which to do this.

I however pointed out exactly what you said about spending more time together, holding each other accountable when we are away.

His response was that he thinks he just wants to be single for the rest of his life so he doesn't have to worry about anyone cheating on him again...he said "I can't cheat on myself"


My response was that this will not make him happy...he is running away rather than dealing with the issues. Why can he SEE that we could have such a wonderful marriage if we both just put forth the effort and used MB?

Oh, yes. I remember going through a similar phase. That's normal. Mr. XVY is articulating a very safe, comforting thought that is protective of him. It's not practical, though. No man is an island, Mr. X

You know what I got in my head during the same period of recovery? That the thinner I was, the less there would be of me to feel the pain. Now go figure THAT one out, LOL! So naturally I became anorexic and got down to about 110 lbs (I'm 5' 7"). The mind is a very protective organ. Sometimes not too practical, though.

And fifteen? Stop telling him he's 'running away' from issues. He IS dealing with them and processing them as best as he can right now.

XVY and Mr. XVY,

How much UA time are you getting?

Is there a way to work together all the time? Start your own business?

Not sure if I posted this to you alraedy The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

What did Mr. XVY think about being callers on the show? The Harleys are fantastic (which you already know XVY).

BH,

Right now Economically and feasibly there is no way for us to work together at ALL times. This would be something to think about in the future. I am already planning on switching jobs next year. I know a lot of you want it to be NOW but I am in a year long contract. One of the major reasons XVY wants me to keep teaching at the moment is because we need my job to stay afloat...but leaving next year is definitely an option.

We DO NOT spend enough quality UA time together. We spend a lot of time together but we can't count all of it as UA time.

This is one of my biggest desires for us is to spend more UA time together. I was even thinking that one night a week we should read over MB stuff and talk about threads, practices, our thoughts etc...

Sending the H's an email today

Why does your signature say Betrayed spouse and husband is Wayward husband "today"????

If you want this program to work, then get in 15+ hours per week. Otherwise, you are spinning your wheels. Sit down today and schedule out 15 hours for the next week.

My DH and I are getting ready to do that right now. He told me yesterday he doesn't think we are spending enough time together and I think he is right. I printed up the UA sheet last night.

Do you want me to email you the worksheet? I scanned it into my computer last night. If you do, just mod notify this post and give them mod your email address and ask them to contact me. i will email it to you!

ML,

Please do!!! I agree, I think if we do not sit down and actually schedule time together then it will not be spent together. My H is BBQ us a grand dinner on Tuesday (he is an amazing griller) and I am going to discuss UA time, Steve Harley, and a number of other things. We are to come to the table with a list of things to talk about. I can't wait!

HDW,

My H had a RA in December (a month after DD) and kept it hidden until I discovered it in January. Yes, he probalby would not have had it if I would not have had an A first but I put that as my signature shortly after I discovered his RA. Even though I was the WW that started this entire thing it does not mean that an RA does not sting.

Oh, please assure him it's not just him! And I wouldn't really call it 'picked on'- like you said, 'being held accountable'. When I write stuff that's messed up or 'off', people point it out and let me know. When I write stuff that my husband does/says that's 'off' or messed up, people don't hesitate to hold him accountable too.

That's the beauty of the internet- people have nothing to lose by telling you straight like it is. They're not your IRL best friends not wanting to hurt your feelings.

I think it just takes some getting used to, that's all.

To Mr. XVY,

I should have posted yesterday, but I must own up that some factors of your combined story (XVY's profession and AP; your being portrayed as "overly trusting") were so close to home that I could not objectively immediately compose a narrative.

Okay, all that said, I want to address your purported position regarding ending the marriage, being alone, and reveling in the fact that "you won't cheat on yourself".

Here's the dirty little secret of pain and recovery: You're not going to end the pain, by discarding XVY. The wounds must be tended to, and their healing facilitated. If striking back at, and bringing pain to, the BS worked to alleviate your pain, your RA would have been the salve you needed. It wasn't, was it?

The best person to heal a BS's wounds and pain is the WS. That sucks, doesn't it? But it does not negate the truth of the statement.

Alone, you will never adequately heal. You'll always know that XVY's actions put into motion the events that led to the dissolution of a relationship that you cherished and enjoyed. Resentment will have no resisting force.

Together, the fact that your union endured will provide the structure around which XVY and yourself can build a new marital reality, better by virtue of its new base of the MB practices and principles.

This is in no way a creed of "marriage at all costs". Rather it expresses the belief that "marriage under the BS's terms" is the optimum way to proceed. Those terms will include elements of JC, and huge doses of EPs. You get to set those variables, my friend. XVY has been nothing if not willing to comply with any request from you.

Think about this, okay?

NG,

Were it be that simple, all BS's would be on that train. No. It's not that simple.

Here's the good news: if you truly dare, Mr. X, to pursue recovery, you may find treasures in your new life, post-D-Day. If you and your wife can actually be honest with each other about your emotional needs, you can experience a HUGE change in your life.

I'm still waiting to talk with you 'personally'. Please start your own thread and talk to us.

Postscript to my note of 5:14 -

Providentially, on another FWW's thread there appeared this section which explains the salient advantage of seeking to reconcile better than my crude attempt could manage. Purportedly this is a summation from Steve Harley's own counsel:

(Steve) made me see/realize/gave me hope that we can overcome this. He said this was something my H (and I) had to learn. If my H didn't learn it with me, he was going to have to learn it with the next person...or the next person. But that it's always better to learn it with the first person.

So what do you think MR. XVY?


I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU TO RESPOND TO MY THREAD!!!

You and I both know what this means!!!!

Mr. XVY, I've posted to your FWW before. I see a lot of parallels with our situations.

My H, broken, has moved out of the marital home for the second, and most likely the last time. Our marriage is not going to recover from my infidelity. But I am drawn to your sitch, because the remorse your wife demonstrates in her posts resonates so strongly with me. So, in light of that, I have some thoughts:

XVY is yours to lose. Oh, I know what you are thinking: What a prize, right? She cheated on me not once, but twice. I don't want to live life having to keep tabs on her like she's having to meet the conditions of a probation sentence. She looked me in the eyes and lied. How can I trust that she won't do that again?

Here's this woman - your wife - who screwed up. Big time. And she knows it. Every time she looks in the mirror, she knows that if the marriage ends, it is ultimately the result of her decision to commit infidelity. I know, you committed an RA, but I am not going to jump on you for that. I bet if broken had the opportunity, he probably would take it as well. Anything to make her hurt the way she made you hurt, right?

NG is right, though...it doesn't work that way. It didn't make you feel better and didn't even the score, did it? You could continue to hurt her by making her think she had a chance, and then pushing her away again. You could continue to hurt her by making her feel like nothing she does will ever be good enough for you again. You could refuse to meet the needs she needs the most. You could lash out in anger, directed at her or maybe just so she conveniently is a witness to it.

What it does, though, is rather than making you feel better, it succeeds in pushing her away. I am sure there are times you think that's exactly what you want. But stop and consider why you fell in love with her in the beginning. Stop and see her as a mother. See her as she is with her family. Realize that she is a pretty incredible person...and she is in love with you.

Yes, she did a horrible thing. But she's human. Unfortunately, there are very few of us who actually deserve to be on the pedestals others put us on.

She will fight for you because it is the right thing to do. She will fight for you because she loves you. She will fight for you until the day comes that she simply can't do it anymore...because eventually you learn that when you keep beating your head against a wall, you get nothing but pain.

Sure, you could live alone the rest of your life. That's what broken tells me he plans to do. I couldn't begin to guess at the true reason....is it simply that I gave him too much to resent, or that meeting someone - anyone - else's needs is too much trouble...after a while, it is all the same to me. I can't live that way. Whether I'll end up alone or not, that's anyone's guess, but whether it is a restored marriage, a new marriage, or none at all, I'll be using what I learned at MB to guide me. Armed with the knowledge of MB, XVY could be a pretty amazing wife to someone. I think I speak for the rest of the members here when I say that we're hoping that someone is you.

I hope you'll start a thread here. Whether you do or do not, i'll continue to support XVY as long as I'm able.

WPG,

I am speechless...which is a very big deal to me. You don't even know me and stood up for me despite my very big flaws....I don't know how to ever thank you!!! Everything you said just now means more to me than anything!!! I have admired and respected you since day one but you really went out on a limb for for me tonight and I just feel so much respect and gratitude for you!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!


They say that people come into your lives for a reason and I love all of you and you guys have done more for me than some of my family members, but WPG you and your story has touched my heart in a way that I will never forget. You may have had your flaws but you are truly one of the most wonderful people that I have had the privilege to share a forum with!!!


NG, MB,MelB, and BH you are not far behind but a really takes a rare human to do what WPG has done for me and this post just really touch me tonight...exactly what I needed!!!

I am rooting for you and Mr. XVY, hon!

WPG,

I know you have to take breaks from the board at times, but that post is a notable post and I hope you see how much you're needed around here.

Thanks, friend.

Sorry it has been awhile since I posted. Both Mr. XVY and I have been on here reading but it has been a very busy week.

Some amazing stuff has been going on this week. I don't even know where to begin. But unlike my normal lingering and talking too much self, I will keep it short and sweet.

Let me just say that Mr. XVY is giving us a shot, for real this time. He said that he would forever regret not giving his all to us one more time.

So up until 9/11/12 he has been holding back out of fear...justified fear...but fear. I think we both realized that O and H and POJA are absolutely necessary in our marriage for it to survive and we both feel really good about this.

Seeing Mr. XVY since he decided to, in his own words "move foward" is like night and day. He seems happy, loving, truly passionate. I know that we still have a LONG way to go and the roller coaster is still their but I think it clicked for both of us.

We need to move forward, clean slate, and use MB everyday in our marriage. We have been focusing on "true" UA time and just in the past couple of days have spent A LOT of quality time together.

Yesterday was the first day of our "New Beginning" which is ironic because it is exactly 10 months to the date of D-day.

He still says that he will probably not post on here, it is just not his thing but he has been on this site A LOT and I have caught him reading on here a number of times from his phone. Last night we read on here together.

For the first time we are truly being honest with each other and not being scared to tell each other how we feel. It is so strange but both of us were holding back for so long afraid what the other person would think or afraid that it would disrupt our marriage. Not realizing that actually holding back was destroying our marriage.

I just feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of both of us and we finally are on a road to a true happy marriage.


Thank you everyone and MB!!!! You will forever be my guide no matter what happens.

I am making this sound like a farewell post but it is quite the opposite. I am just so elated right now that I don't know what to say.


Well that is it for now.

Fifteen going on many more!!!!