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#2665421 09/15/12 04:29 AM
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I recently was told that my wife had an affair. She confessed it to me. The problem I have is that I don't believe she would have told me had his wife not found out. So she did and my wife decided to come clean. I was devastated! I had to know all the details, which I regret now. She said that they never had sex but he tried making sexual advances. She saw him every Friday at work and in her office is where everything happened. They hugged and kissed almost every Friday and he would try to do more. She said that he did kiss her breasts and a couple other things but she never let him do anything else. She said that she just needed someone to talk to and that he was nice to her. I love her so much and have gone to marriage counseling. I just can't get the pictures of him doing this stuff to her. I am worried that it will happen again even though she says I have nothing to worry about. She said she is happy with me now because I changed. That was all she ever wanted. He still delivers to her work but doesn't see her or even go inside her building. I am really struggling with this. Just don't want to be the fool. I told her it would have been easier if she would have ended it, but I feel like she just had to settle for me.

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many don't post on weekends
i going to work now
stay calm help well be here soon

get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley

click on the home page links to get up to speed

be prepared that WW has not old the whole story

Last edited by TheRoad; 09/15/12 06:33 AM.
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Hi doc, welcome to marriage builders. Please read the articles.

Expect to be trickle truthed. Do not let the infidelity slide. There needs to be consequences. Exposure to all that can help is one of these. Do not let her know about this site. Keylog her computer.

It is important to get the details of the affair immediately as continued lies will destroy an already fragile relationship. She needs to know this. I recommend a polygraph test. Details will emerge before the test. Have it done anyway.

Please understand that it was her fault to have the affair. Both of you need to know how to improve your marriage. You may find yourself knocked by the vets. We are used to amateurs. Evaluate their comments.



But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Originally Posted by imagine
You may find yourself knocked by the vets. We are used to amateurs. Evaluate their comments.
This is quite an insult to people who post here regularly, giving up their time to help others with MB advice.

Doc, I can assure you that you will find yourself HELPED by any "vets" who post to you. None of them will come to your thread to "knock" you. Please listen and act on their advice, and don't be put off by the above slur.


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Originally Posted by doc121974
I recently was told that my wife had an affair. She confessed it to me. The problem I have is that I don't believe she would have told me had his wife not found out. So she did and my wife decided to come clean. I was devastated! I had to know all the details, which I regret now. She said that they never had sex but he tried making sexual advances. She saw him every Friday at work and in her office is where everything happened. They hugged and kissed almost every Friday and he would try to do more. She said that he did kiss her breasts and a couple other things but she never let him do anything else. She said that she just needed someone to talk to and that he was nice to her. I love her so much and have gone to marriage counseling. I just can't get the pictures of him doing this stuff to her. I am worried that it will happen again even though she says I have nothing to worry about. She said she is happy with me now because I changed. That was all she ever wanted. He still delivers to her work but doesn't see her or even go inside her building. I am really struggling with this. Just don't want to be the fool. I told her it would have been easier if she would have ended it, but I feel like she just had to settle for me.
Doc, there are lots of things that need to happen here if you're to save your marriage & make it better than before the affair, but here are two of them:

(1) Your wife needs to agree to take a polygraph in order to help you establish that you've got the truth. She has no ground on which to stand to resist this, because she's a proven liar & deceiver. As you yourself realize, the first inclination of people cauhgt in affairs is to tell less than the full story.

(2) Either she or the other man need to rearrange their jobs so that there's (verifiably) no longer ANY contact. Sorry to burst your bubble, but speaking to you here as a man who once got into an affair myself, I can assure you that if they're still in contact, then the affair's not over. (Let that thought sink in, because it's more than a thought, it's the truth.) You might not want to believe what I've just told you, but I'm sorry, it's the reality of affairs. Affairs are infatuations, actually addictions, right down to the very brain-chemistry impact -- you can look it up, Doc -- and each bit of contact is like another "hit" on the crack-pipe. As long as he's showing up at her office & she knows this, then he's on her mind, this I promise you. Either he needs another delivery route, or she needs a different job in a different place; there's no 3rd way around those alternatives.

Doc, I've no standing to criticize a man in your shoes, and so this is not intended as criticism, but as heartfult, good advice based on hard experience: The surest way to be the 'fool' in your situation would be to believe that an affair can end properly while the affairees remain in contact with one another.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by imagine
You may find yourself knocked by the vets. We are used to amateurs. Evaluate their comments.
This is quite an insult to people who post here regularly, giving up their time to help others with MB advice.

Doc, I can assure you that you will find yourself HELPED by any "vets" who post to you. None of them will come to your thread to "knock" you. Please listen and act on their advice, and don't be put off by the above slur.

Hmm... I write too quickly.

I have been here since 2007 and had the temerity to include myself as a vet on the basis of time.

I do agree with SugarCanes evaluation of the vets. Unfortunately the poster does not know at this stage who the vets are. He needs to know that we are all behind him.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Originally Posted by doc121974
I am worried that it will happen again even though she says I have nothing to worry about. She said she is happy with me now because I changed. That was all she ever wanted. He still delivers to her work but doesn't see her or even go inside her building. I am really struggling with this. Just don't want to be the fool. I told her it would have been easier if she would have ended it, but I feel like she just had to settle for me.

It probably will happen again if you don't make sure the OM never goes to her office again. Otherwise she has to leave the job. I would send a letter to his company and to your wife's company telling about the affair and demanding that the OM never come to that company again.

Have you spoken to the OM's wife yourself? Has the affair been exposed to your family and friends?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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His wife knows, but I have chosen not to tell my family. I am hurt enough without everyone knowing. My wife agreed to take a polygraph, and said she would do whatever it takes to earn my trust back. She said She could never put me through that again. I appreciate all the advice, please keep it coming.

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Originally Posted by doc121974
His wife knows, but I have chosen not to tell my family. I am hurt enough without everyone knowing. My wife agreed to take a polygraph, and said she would do whatever it takes to earn my trust back. She said She could never put me through that an. I appreciate all the advice, please keep it coming.

The problem with keeping it a secret is that the affair will likely resume. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it secret only serves to enable it. If you don't expose it to the OM's workplace and your wife's workplace, it can easily resume.

Telling your families and close friends is the best thing you can do to kill the affair and keep it killed. The more people who know, the more people to hold your wife accountable and give you some much needed support. Exposure is very, very therapeutic.

Have you spoken to his wife personally? If not, I would make it a point to contact her and commit to staying in touch with her. She can be a great ally in keeping the affair killed.

Exposure is the most important first step in saving your marriage. Please read the link in my signature. Here are some of Dr Harley's quotes on this [he is a clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders]


Originally Posted by Dr Harley
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


Originally Posted by Dr Harley
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Exposure holds people accountable.

If you want marital recovery you need to follow the program.
This isn't a board where people just offer ideas from their heads.
This is a board where the focus is MB advice.
This is NOT a cafeteria style plan.

If you deviate from the MB plan and do it "your custom way" then you will probably fail

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Originally Posted by doc121974
His wife knows, but I have chosen not to tell my family. I am hurt enough without everyone knowing. My wife agreed to take a polygraph, and said she would do whatever it takes to earn my trust back. She said She could never put me through that again. I appreciate all the advice, please keep it coming.
Good, that his wife knows. Now, what's your plan for preventing them from having any contact at the place where she works? If she's not willing to leave that job, then she's not 'willing to do whatever it takes.' If they remain in contact at the office, then she'll assuredly put you through it again.

You do realize that if you're to end the affair, this is essential & non-negotiable, right?


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Doc,

Keep in mind that an affair is like an addiction and it is easy for someone to yearn for those sensations and go back for one more drink.

Exposure helps you keep tabs on WW by enlisting the people you know in the task. Remember she is an addict and recidivism is high without support.

I know this concept of an affair being a form of addiction is alien, but it explains alot about affair behaviors.

Exposure also means that you don't have to wander around for the rest of your life wondering who else knew but didn't tell you. It's a bit like the betrayed spouse getting to wash the manure off their hands.

God Bless
Gamma

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She is going to quit working all together. She has also agreed to take a polygraph. She wants to do whatever it takes to earn my trust. I am seriously considering telling everyone. I did indirectly talk to his wife and expressed my pain and anger about what happened and she feels exactly how I feel. She and I agreed that we didn't need to stay in touch because it would only hinder in our recovery. Thanks for all the advice and concern. It is greatly appreciated.

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Originally Posted by doc121974
. I did indirectly talk to his wife and expressed my pain and anger about what happened and she feels exactly how I feel. She and I agreed that we didn't need to stay in touch because it would only hinder in our recovery.

doc, what do you mean when you say "indirectly?" And it is not true that staying in touch will hinder recovery, it will hinder the affair, though. By having occasional contact at first, you ensure the affair does not start up again.

I am very concerned with what you mean by "indirect contact" though. Please explain.

And what about exposing the affair at his workplace and her workplace? They need to know that the OM is playah who cannot be trusted. If you don't inform his company, he will be free to do this again. AND he will be free to continue to see your wife at her workplace.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I messaged her through facebook. If I need to my wife knows her place of work and I know where they live. The only way that I can get through this is to do what I planned and hope for the best. Thanks for your concern.

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Originally Posted by doc121974
I messaged her through facebook. If I need to my wife knows her place of work and I know where they live. The only way that I can get through this is to do what I planned and hope for the best. Thanks for your concern.
I would contact the BW in person and let her know.
Carrot and Stick of Plan A


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by doc121974
I messaged her through facebook. If I need to my wife knows her place of work and I know where they live. The only way that I can get through this is to do what I planned and hope for the best. Thanks for your concern.

Doc, it is very common for affairees to intercept and delete such messages. I would strongly advise you to call or go visit the OM's wife, without warning your wife. The news of the affair needs to come from your LIPS to her ears. People who have affairs are sneakier than a cockroach!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
People who have affairs are sneakier than a cockroach!

Don't trust 'em anymore than you'd trust a crackhead with your DVD player.

Last edited by TryingEverything; 09/19/12 10:50 AM.

BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
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DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011

Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne

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