Crazy story. I have been married for a little over a year and we have a 3 month old. It has been a crazy two years together we have gone through a cusotdy battle for my 8 and 10 year old girls. I didn't lose complete custody but did lose some time with them due a lot to testimony from neighbors about my current hb and I fighting (never with the girls there). He is 6.3 and 260 pounds, looks intimidating but is mostly a teddy bear. Mostly. About a year ago while I was pregnant I provoked him and he pushed me to the ground then hit my head into the ground. I called 911, later filled out an Intent Not to Prosecute but DA is running with this case. There is aHearing 10/3. I told his attorney I'd help however I can, by taking the blame for provoking, but I can't be seen as a liar because I didn't lie. He has a record for assualting a public servant when he was young and some DWIs.

Currently we live in a town near his wealthy family. We have continued to have Rocky times (but never as bad as that one night) and I have threatened to call the police. His parents begged us to do counseling bc we have a 3 month old, my girls adore him, and for all of pur fighting we are truly in love. Lately when we fight we end up fighting over the baby. He started by saying if I leave him he will get custody. I have been irrational a few times and said I will leave him and take her with me.

The other night I was about to move out bc of a secret he kept from me (going to a bar when I was out of town though he said he didnt). He took me out for drinks, seemed he really wanted me to drink a lot. I tried to refuse. I ended up getting irrational again with him when we got home. It was midnight. He grabbed the baby to run off to his parents. Her head was jerking around and I was trying to get her from him to protect her. I ended up scratching his face badly and when his parents saw it they called the police and I was arrested. I am a pretty good girl who has never been arrested before. Fortunately, the Judge saw No Probable Cause for my arrest, since it was a mutual fight, and I was released.

After I was released he hit me with a Temporary Mutual Restraining order keeping us from disturbing the peace with the baby. And he sued for Temporary Custody. That was Monday and I haven't been allowed to see her since. His mom told me he is afraid I will run with her, and they can't let me see her until the Hearing on the 27th.

Not only can I not see my baby, but he's been advised not to speak to me. He says he's done with the marriage, will be filing for divorce, and counseling is no longer an option.

I feel this whole thing was a set up, with him intentionally provoking me by taking the baby when I was upset, so that I look unstable and the DA will drop the Dom Violence case against him. When I talk to his mom she's suddenly telling me I'm "not well," and she wants me to get the help I need.

I know I can be irrational and shouldn't have scratched him, but he has given as much as he's gotten.

I don't understand why, if he's done he hasn't filed for divorce (even though it has only been 5 days), and he acts like he doesn't want me to love out of the house (he's staying at his parents), he won't help me with a dime or even give me all of my things. The other day he said he won't go to counseling with me but when I asked him today if he was sure he wouldn't he just didn't answer me.

The thing is that I think his parents and attorneys are ruining our chances. Clearly we need MAJOR help. But I am positive he is still 100% in love with me,.and I am in love with him. When we are good together we are SO good.

But he and his family are basing all of this on stupid stuff I said about taking the baby and not wanting to be with him when I had too much to drink.

I am hopeful that if we get counseling, no more alcohol, and get in a good church we could save this marriage. I don't want to give up also bc I think a lot of this is about his fear for being convicted in October.

I feel so bad for the whole thing. Am I foolish to take the facts that he hasn't filed for divorce yet, doesn't seem to want me to move out or help me do so,.and hasn't turned me down yet when I asked again about counseling as signs we might work it out? After all, its only been a week. If I pack my bags and go this weekend is that going too soon? This is killing me. I love him and my baby with all of my heart and just want them back.

Sorry for grammar/spelling errors, had to type this all on my phone.

Since you have been physical with each other despite the pregnancy and the actual baby being held at the time, then neither of you should get custody and the child should be cared for by people who do not drink and fight.

For shame.

Preserving this.

I agree it was wrong and am ashamed. However, since he was jerking her head around I felt I was trying to protect her. Still, it was a very bad call.

Because of the circumstances CPS came out and I was 100% honest with her about what happened. She said there was no child abuse and had us take Anger Management. I agree we have major issues, but I also think they can be fixed. As for.drinking, I am willing to cut it out. I don't drink often, it's not worth all of this to drink.

Read this.
Anger Mgmt

Have you been in AA?

Will check it out when on a computer..no I haven't been in AA. Not all of our fights are alcohol related. When I was pregnant I was sober that night. I have only been a casual drinker, that's why I didn't want to drink those shots he was buying the other night. But after the other night I have sworn alcohol off. It had a.major role in the mean things I said that made him get the baby and run. And the thing is that I didn't even mean the things I said. Now my big mouth has ruined my life.

Have you read the basic concepts?
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Read then last night then passed out. Very good stuff. I just don't know if there's even a point reading things like that because I don't know if we are really over or not. I don't know whether to move out or not. He is stonewalling me and won't even give me my things or tell me how my baby is doing. I feel utterly alone.

I would cut off all communication with him and his family.
His mom enables her sons violent outbursts and drinking. Don't confide in her at all; she's probably a battered wife herself

I suggest you email the Radio Show and ask Dr Harley for advice

That's true. She is an enabler. She cried to me about his face being scratched and how he didn't deserve it. She also said he never deserved me calling the police on him. She says it never should have happened. But she has never listened to the details of why I did, and hasn't seen the marks he left on me and the back of my head. Since I am a stay at home mom, and my other two girls live in a different town, I want to move so I can be closer to them and get a job so I can prove I can afford to care for the baby. But I have read things about not abandoning the marital home during a custody battle, and I also am hoping this is not over. I want to get help, but see if there is any hope for us. It's hard to know what to do when he controls all of the $, I don't have a dime, he has hired an attoreny and I can't afford one so I'm on my own. This forum is all I have right now.

*want to add that when he said he won't go to counseling with me last week, he said he would pay for me to meet with his Doctor (I'm assuming a Psychiatrist) for a private session to help me, and him get through the divorce. He said he's meeting with him Monday. Of course he won't give me $ for groceries or gas, won't pay for a uhaul or give my stuff so I can go, won't go to counseling, but so generously has offered to pay for a Psychiatrist? Haha, seems like an obvious set-up to get me declared unstable so he can win custody, and his case on 10/3.

The thing is, I know him. He is really in love with me. If we divorce, after the dust settles and I move on, he will be begging, and willing to move Heaven and Earth to get me back. I know this for a fact. So why go through all of this pain, when what he really wants is to be with me, and keep our faimly together?

I'm not sure how to do that without being a paying member, and I have no $ right now. But I will definitely look into it!

Also, everyone (my friends and family) is telling me that I don't love him, and it's obvious. I feel I do love him. Maybe I am not the perfect wife, but I definitely feel deeply in love with him.

For legal representation call your local Legal Aid Society. They shoul be able to provide some guidance.

Also you don't need to be a member to be on the MB Radio show.
Go to the home page and click on Radio Show. You can send an email to them (include your phone number) and get on

Do you belong to a church?

What Is the court hearing on 10/3 for?
Have you been served with divorce papers?

lorakm,

You need to speak with a domestic violence worker.

As someone who has dealt with DV victims for years, your post is riddled with the typical statements of an "ill" woman - a woman who is so normalized to domestic violence that she makes a million excuses and puts her children and own safety last. You need help. If you don't want it for yourself fine, but you need it for your children at least. You've already lost custody time due to exposing your children to domestic violence and you seem quite willing to do so again under the mistaken belief that you guys are "so good together" when it's good.

You do sound quite ill. It's not normal or rational thought. The idea that you "provoking" a man into assaulting you as a pregnant woman, being any sort of validation, is a very disturbing statement and shows how ill you really are.

Please, speak to a professional before you lose your children completely. Your child is not safe with you, sorry.

Sorry, I just realized that you have already lost temporary custody of your baby.

This is the 3rd child where your actions have caused a loss of custody to some degree. You need a DV worker AND a good family attorney. Your marriage is the least of your worries at this point, your consistent poor decision making as a parent is going to cause you permanent loss of your children.

Tried this. They said since it was "mutual combat:" meaning: I fought back and was arrested, they can't help. They referred me somewher else and I have a pending application.

I agree on the poor decision making. To clarify: I have not yet lost Temp. Custody. He is secreting the baby away from me and not letting me see her, but the Temp Custody Hearing is on the 27th.

I also know I am making the typical abused woman excuses. I am taking all of the blame, just trying to salvage our marriage. He says I "push his buttons" that's blaming the victim 101, yet I hold out hope that we can get help.