My husband and I have been married since 2008, and things are going fairly well. My husband just received a brand new employee that is young, tall, blonde, and gorgeous. I have always had a problem with relationship jealousy (part of it stemming from childhood and part of it from the beginning months of my marriage.)

Well my jealousy is raging at the moment, I'm not feeling the most attractive at the moment. I'm a touch heavy (though am writing down my calories every day and mostly sticking to a diet).

What else is getting me is that she is Facebook messaging my husband (he is her boss but she is WAY overfriendly/flirty. I have flipped out at my husband a couple of times now since she started, and he is trying (and is) being a good husband and giving her a cold shoulder while trying to refrain from a hostile work environment. On her first day they were smoking together with an additional employee in "our" car and he gave her a ride back to a dealership where her car was located and she left a sunglasses case in our car (which we both determined to be a calling card). She then the next day proceeded to message him on Facebook sent him a very cute photo of herself/tattoos and claimed that she was "teasing" him.

I then sent her a Facebook message under my husbands account

Hi (NAME) , This is (NAME'S) wife I would be very appreciative if you wouldn't facebook message, text, or call outside of work (except like you stated in your first message if you are going to be late, call in sick, or verify work related business). Things like text messages and facebook are certainly a factor in a lot of failing relationships, and I'm sure you wouldn't want an attractive woman messaging your husband if you were in my shoes. NAME OF MY SPOUSE stated to you earlier to keep it professional (he is your boss after all) and sending a photo of yourself and saying that you are "teasing him" is pushing boundaries a bit. Please be respectful of his marital relationship, thank you.

She then responded (drunk I might add, who messages their boss drunk? I certainly NEVER have) Im sorry honey, I am not trying 2 steal your man, id defend that guy too if I had hm. Its not like im riding him in your mercedes, :o) no big deal, sorry you can chill

I replied ....

I understand just please be respectful that he is your boss and married. The "riding him in your mercedes" is very inappropriate and that is exactly what I am talking about. I would not be making comments like that to your man, and you certainly would not appreciate it either. I understand that MY SPOUSE is closer in age than NAME OF OTHER BOSS and NAME OF OVERALL BOSS, but please treat him the same as you would them. Dont text and drink smile Never a good idea smile

She continues to message him on Facebook and is still being quite flirty/overfriendly. I am sure that she talks to most attractive men this way (she's a saleswoman). I'm struggling, how should I handle my jealousy? When is it okay to say I'm irritated with the way she is talking to you to my husband?

I'm fairly lost, and have some major anxiety about the situation at the moment.

After I sent my messages to this woman on Facebook, my husband sent additional messages then next day after she tried to apologize for the "riding him in your mercedes comment."

It's cool, we understand getting drunk for sure, haha. But ya, I was having mini heart attacks when you were drunk txting with my wife. Enjoy the beach today, I don't see you again until Sun, not sat. Don't need to hear from you again until, alc or no lol. Ya I'm lucky as hell she's the best wink Mitch


Another message from him to shut her down again after she posted a comment on his Facebook.

NP but please don't post on my page, lol. I want Z E R O drama lol. I deleted your comment on old Neil kicking the bucket. My wife doesn't want us chatting socially is the bottom line, when you get married some day you'll understand I think. Not that I don't think you're cool or whatever, but friends and boss don't mix esp when one of them is a girl and the other is a married man.

He is trying to make me happy, she offered to bring him Breakfast at work and he said he didn't want it because he knew it would upset me.

Welcome to MB, FSL. Have you posted here before?

I'm sorry to say that I don't think she is the problem here. Your post is all about her, when the problem seems to me to be about your H and his lack of proper behaviour as both a married man and a boss.

At the very least, your H should have blocked her from his FB site by now. Why hasn't this happened?

I've posted here many a time over the last four years, lol.

Had it not been for the marriage builders program we would not be married, lol.

He hasn't blocked her from Facebook, because he is concerned that her "texting/calling" him would be a far bigger issue for my jealousy. This way I can log onto his Facebook and check the logs/messages and what not, and feel more comfortable.

We also had a similar situation happen earlier in the year that was much much worse at a different dealership with a different woman. Pretty much led to the quitting of that job.

I have been on his Facebook for awhile today, and he is talking to an old friend Marc from his childhood through messenger and he has said things like all "Ya she doesnt seem to like Tara at all. but hey tara's no fan of hers either" "well F her, as long as she is leaving me alone" AND "I want NOTING to do with her, I want my wife happy lol so after the training she's on my ignore as much as possible list"

My spouse is a super genius, so it's likely he knows that I am watching the conversation lol.

This woman is also messaging his childhood friend at the moment via Facebook as well (I don't know if that irks me or not, I guess not really at the moment .. I've never talked to the guy but I haven't tried either)

In hindsight she is only there with him for a few weeks for training and then she goes off to work at a sister dealership (he is a Sales Manager).

Dealership?

I think I remember your old posts, just not your old username. I remember the name Tara.

I understand you've been posting here for years, but if I recall, you guys don't seem to actually stick to many MB concepts/advice given and hence, the same problems keep repeating themselves.

If you guys were following MB then why does he have a "gorgeous" coworker on his FB? Why does he even have FB if this has been an issue?

Do you both understand the definition of insanity being the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result?

3 "lols" in one post.

I don't think you are seriously worried about your marriage.

I'm not worried about my marriage, I'm worried about my Jealousy being a huge love buster to my spouse.

FatSammy, jealousy is the least of your worries. I think your 'jealousy' is a red flag to you that something is wrong. Can your husband relocate to another dealership?

Was this your previous post?
SpicyBeanDip

Fire the employee

My first thought is to fire her too. She sounds way too pushy & full of herself.

My other thought is that your husband needs to learn how to stonewall people like this right from the beginning. If he keeps it absolutely professional, it gives the other person no room to wiggle themselves into his life.

FSL,

Your posts remind me of the joke....

A guy hires a detective to keep tabs on his wife.

The detective shows him pictures of his wife with the OM at a pharmacy buying ky jelly and condoms, then at a motel, then entering the room, then via a telephoto lens taking off their clothing with the drapes open, then the OM closing the drapes. Then the guy says, "oh my God these doubts are killing me"

I don't think you need have any doubts about what is going on here.

God Bless
Gamma

I encourage you to read His Needs Her Needs by Dr bill Harley

I don't think firing this employee would help.

The OP is using another alias - if you read any of her previous posts (along with her husbands), it's quite clear that this is an ongoing issue of her husband's poor boundaries with female employees at apparently more than one job location.

OP have you contacted the Harleys directly? You've been posting for years but seem to have the same issue over and over again. I did state that in my previous post but I didn't see a response to it. You understand that until HE changes the obvious boundary issues, that your "jealousy" will not be resolved. It's not an LB to be jealous when your spouse is behaving like an (unprofessional) single man!

If male coworkers even try to friend me on FB, I refuse. That's not how married people should be using facebook, she should be blocked and she should be given a cold shoulder for her unprofessional conduct in persisting when she has been told to stop!


You say he has backed you up, but he hasnt. He sent her a jokey message puttnig the blame pn your 'jealousy' and on not wanting to upset you.

He should have said that HE has no interest in messaging with her. And then he should have unfriended her. He should not have friended her in the first place.

Why do you think you are being unreasonably jealous? This is not normal behaviour from a female coworker or from a maried man.

I would put spyware on his phone and a VAR in his car

And jealousy is not a lovebuster!!!!! It is a natural reaction to a pushy blonde threat who is not being blocked by your H.

I don't quite get the Joke, gamma lol. I am blonde (well half blonde, roots are showing at the moment)

He DID NOT "friend" her on Facebook, no way would I have let that go down. His Facebook is public because he uses it to network for his job.

Relocating is not an option, this is the best job he has had in a couple of years and a VERY reputable company that treats us very well. In reality she (the employee) will be relocating to a sister company after her training period is finished in a couple of weeks.

Firing her, do I really want to be "that" person? Because I'm hyper jealous? I can't reasonably expect my husband to not work around attractive women the rest of his life.

I have read His Needs/Her Needs ... I feel like I'm doing a pretty decent job with his needs (we had a spat over Sexual Fulfillment due to my low self esteem) but I think we have put the worst of that behind us. The only need I'm not fully meeting is Attractive Spouse, but I am trying to work on it I definitely need to be exercising more.

As for the jealousy, he claims he is doing everything right and to point out any other man that could be doing better and if he could be doing better I need to specifically tell him how and "what TO do"

This was his very first message to her, after she asked for his work number in case she was to be late or call in sick.

"Please don't call or text unless it's important / about business. Married man can't be chatting with women willy nilly (unless your someone we both know haha!)"

He is trying to make me happy.

Then the rest of the conversation in my original post.

Can you answer these questions?

I deal in sexual harassment in the workplace as part of my job. Believe it or not, that is exactly what this is. Your husband is being sexually harassed by this woman. Sexual harassment is defined as unwelcome sexual advances - it doesn't matter that he's the boss and she's the subordinate, the law protects him all the same. Sexual harassment is not about sexual attractiveness, it's about control. This woman is trying to control her role in the workplace by making advances toward your husband. Your husband needs to notify his supervisors, immediately, that this is taking place and put them on notice that he wants it to stop. In your post, you said something about not wanting to get her fired because you don't want to be that person, but it's her or your husband, which do you want it to be? What I mean by that is if you or your husband give her any reason, she could accuse your husband of sexual harassment.

As for Facebook, it is HIGHLY unprofessional to have one's subordinates on one's Facebook or any other social media other than LinkedIn.

It isn't. You should complain about things he does that upsets you. Have you read the Policy of Joint Agreement on this site?