This is my first time posting on a forum, so bare with me.

I feel under appreciated at home I work a lot of hours (away from home days at a time). Lately when I do come home not on days off the house is thrashed, no food in the house and my wife stays on her laptop for hours mostly forums and shopping ( I've checked). Just recently I was at work for 2 days with only 4 hours of sleep I made that fact know before I got home. When I arrived I had to go shopping for food, returned home the house was filthy and the tea had turned bad. Now I want to tell her how I feel but don't want to sound selfish. I've tried telling her how much I appreciate how she takes care of the kids and such also bring home flowers often. I'm tired of awarding her for not doing the little things. Don't get me wrong with 7 kids I know she has a lot on her plate, I just don't feel she appreciates how much I give up to be able to provide for all of us at home.

I encourage you I read His Needs Her Needs by Dr Bill Harley.

Also please read this article about independent behavior :
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5053b_qa.html

I understand about the independent behavior I just gave up video 90% of my video game playing when she help me realize how much time I spent on them. I know I need to make my feeling know but I just don't want to sound like an azz.

I suggest you get His Needs Her Needs and read it together

What would you think about changing jobs to one that allows you to be home everyday? Traveling jobs kill marriages.

As far as communicating your domestic support need, you'd probably be best off to approach it as a shared issue and offer some solutions; a housekeeper, for one. If you wanted to implement a chore chart for the kids, you would need to be around to help in the enforcement of it.

I only have four children, but I shop twice a week and spend an unbelievable amount of money on food and there's STILL 'never any food in the house.' That's the thing with consumables--they get consumed. Rapidly.

Most women don't appreciate a man who stays gone for days at a time, leaving her to hold down the fort alone. Very many would trade more money for more time together. What about your wife? How does she feel about you being away so much?

I would hire a housekeeper & hire a service that delivers groceries or meals to your house. 7 kids is A LOT of work. I know you are working hard too, but since you are seeing this issue, you have to try to fix it first. Your wife sounds checked out if she is on-line all day. She is probably just barely managing to stay sane. She is doing what she can while you travel for work & that is something. At least she is there with your kids & hasn't taken off (yet).

After hiring this work out, you need to focus your time & attention on your wife. She is probably resenting you leaving her with 7 children to care for the majority of the time. When you guys decided to have kids, she probably assumed you would be there to help out. So now you need to show her that you appreciate what she does and you need to shower her with your love & attention. Treat her like you treated her when you were dating! You'll also need to hire a babysitter so you and your wife can really date.

Yes this sounds costly (paying for so many services), but it won't be for forever. Your kids will grow up & your wife will have more time.

That's a good idea. However this poster needs to read His Needs Her Needs and learn about the policy of joint agreement. Under the POJA both his wife and himself would work together to decide how to raise the kids, do housework and terms regarding his traveling job.

Hi, Arkey, welcome to Marriage Builders.

7 kids -- WOW!! You've got me beat, as I only have six. Not often we see that many here. Are any of them stepchildren? I'm curious if you guys homeschool.

How much of the Marriage Builders main website have you read? There are a lot of tools there for fixing your marriage and turning it back into a situation where you feel appreciated. From what you are saying, you have a high emotional need for Admiration. Dr. Harley has a plan for you to get that need met as part of his program, but I strongly encourage you to follow the whole program. With seven children, with you gone frequently for days on end, the two of you are probably very independent, and there's a chance your wife feels pretty neglected, which will make her admire you less. Getting the two of you re-bonded in an intimate relationship will cause her feelings of admiration to come back.

One thing Dr. Harley suggests is to start asking her about her feelings. You are feeling unmet needs, like the need for admiration. She is probably feeling similar unmet needs. So questions to ask are "What problems do you see in our marriage?" "What things did I do today that made you feel good?" "What things did I do today that made you feel bad?"

Get busy reading the program here on this site (start with reading the entire Basic Concepts section) and you'll find out what to do with this information from her when you have it. You will probably find that the two of you can make an exchange: you meet her needs, and she will be willing to meet yours.

Arkey, this is just a guess, but I'd speculate that your wife is depressed. Possibly she feels no fulfillment in taking care of the house and kids, and is using the Internet to escape.

Have you read Dr. Harley's material about the Love Bank? It turns out this is all tied in with depression. For a woman, the most common cause of depression is her relationship with her husband or boyfriend.

Consider this nasty negative feedback loop:
Relationship with husband goes bad (for the wife, at least)
She becomes depressed, as a result of the relationship
As a result of the depression, she stops taking care of the house, etc., and also loses interest in the things that make her husband happy (mutual recreation and sex, for example)
As a result of not spending time in the things that make her husband happy (such as his emotional needs of recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment, domestic support), he falls out of love with her, and now he feels awful as well and isn't interested in doing the things that would make deposits in her Love Bank and fix this situation

Now, consider this positive feedback loop:
Husband in miserable marriage finds a way to use Dr. Harley's techniques to make massive Love Bank deposits on a daily basis
Wife falls in love with her husband again and now feels good about life, not depressed.
Wife looks around her, sees the mess, and starts cleaning it, because now she has something to live for again. She also regains an interest in recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment with her husband, as well as the other things that tend to make him happy

Just an update, I've been reading all comments and have been reading a lot. I talked to her about posting on this and she cried for a bit. She is now reading his needs, her needs as I type.

Thanks for all the help

No step kids all ours together oldest 16 youngest 4

This is great, Arkey. I would really play up what she stands to get out of the His Needs, Her Needs approach to marriage, because this is how you motivate her to want to participate.

If she posts here, be sure to:
1) let us know what her posting name is, and
2) keep posting yourself, okay?

Arkey, that's great!

Arkey, how did it go?

Just an update it got a little worse before it got better. She was a little hurt that I posted about what I was feeling and not just tell her. We are doing better now with a little compromise at work I'm home more for the time being

Well I would tell her that you are working to improve your marriage so both of you are happy and that the Marriage Builder forum helps