This probably should be in the divorcing/divorced forum, but I like the attitude over here more. I think that means I am definately ready for what's coming. I had a thread a couple of years back in SAA, when my wife had an EA/PA. We struggled with recovery for a while but we could never make it work. So here we are, I expect the legal separation to be signed within the next week or so.
Let me be very clear, I am not looking to date nor do I have any interest in women. What I do want to ask, and what I specifically want to ask this group is for any advice you would give someone in my shoes just starting out. Not with the opposite sex, but what do you do with your time, job focus, hobbies, life direction.
I am asking over here for two reasons. I expect you are further along and hindsight and all that. Also some of you are more fully recovered personally.
So what works and what doesn�t? I am not looking to wallow � I am looking to get my life back on track. I fought for two years concurrent to what I would think of as my own personal recovery, and now I want to put me and my son first.
Thoughts? What do you wish someone told you?

I think that's the key - put yourself and your son first. After my ex left, it took me a while to get over the loss. But I still remember a few weeks after she left, that sunny Sunday morning, eating bagels with my kids at our favorite place, and suddenly realizing - what a nice feeling it is to be relaxing on a Sunday morning, with my wonderful kids by my side, and without the psycho ex who had put me through he11 and back for the previous year. That was a big realization for me, that life has changed, but in many ways it has changed for the better, and I always remembered to cherish what I did have - my children. They grow up so fast, I think you'll never regret focusing on them and making a good life for them.

The rest will fall into place naturally if you just focus on yourself and your son.

AGG

AGG makes a great point regarding focusing on yourself and your son. That's the important part both in this portion of your journey and beyond. For me, I've worked really hard to fix my own stuff so I could be as ready as possible for the next stage of my life. I became decisive after years of being stuck. I lost weight and tackled my confidence issues. I took classes. I got on with living.

That's not to say I didn't wallow in it for a while - I did. I engaged in a rebound long distance thing that was a nightmare. Expect to have days, weeks and maybe months where nothing goes right and you feel like you're living in the Twilight Zone. Just pick yourself up, brush yourself off and keep moving forward. It gets better.

Travis

People told me all the right things... "It takes time... Give yourself time... Be patient." The thing is that they were RIGHT! Getting over a divorce and moving on with your life is like grieving over a death. By now, you have probably already gone through many of the stages and you simply need to get used to not having that other person in your life. In time, you will fill that void. Right now, you might have to force the issue with yourself. Holidays can be rough. Make a new plan if you need to for how to fill times like this. With me and my kiddos, we pretty much lost all extended family in the divorce. So, in order to keep us on an upbeat mood during Christmas, I made a new tradition for us. Now, almost every Christmas, we spend time together in a cabin in the woods. It makes for good memories for us. Focus on things that make you happy. You'll find that they help take your mind off of everything and help you to move on. Soon, you won't have to force yourself, you'll find that you really have moved on.

I would say to start with AGG's advice. I've observed him to be spot on, making sense, and thoughtful. Backed up with experience and positive results.

To answer your exact question, I would give you the advice that I wasn't strong enough to implement myself (If you havent' already): Get into Plan B. I don't know your situation so please forgive me if I'm being presumptuous, but I think there are benefits to this. I feel I missed one last opportunity to clear my head before the divorce was final, wasting time I could have been recovering further. It establishes your boundaries right off and teaches the kids a valuable lesson - marriage is all or nothing comittment. If there is any hope for reconciliation it would happen in this interim as well.

I would take the time to read some things about divorce. I've been doing so and did a little right away but there is a lot of information out there which will help you get perspective on what your child is going through and how to help them cope.
There is a great book by David Code which I'm reading now with my fiance and we are finding it to be very insightful. I won't say the title because it seems to get edited for some reason (Dr. H doesn't write books about raising kids, so I don't get the competition issues, but whatever). See if you can look it up he's a minister - don't go just by the title of the book though, this is reading that EVERYONE should be doing in my view - much of it goes right along with MB including Dr. Harley's work on Anger managmenet and AO's.

Focus on something physical. Someone else was advised not too long ago to train for a goal oriented "race" -- triatholon, 5k/10k what have you, 1/2 marathon. Most guys do something like this anyway. I painted the trim in my home and redid all the bedrooms. Training for a race would have been really good as well.

Also -- big one: start getting a sense of your finances and how divorce is impacting that part of your life. It takes a while to come to grips with the hit in your wallet.

opt

Thanks all, finances are set..I am a finance guy. I also did my first 5k this week. Appreciate the advice, think I've given myself an alright start.