Everyone's told me NOT to move out unless absolutely necessary -- violence, abuse, etc. It kind of goes against the Plan A principal and pushes you toward Plan B.<P>In a way, it boils down to whether your H wants to help fix this, or he's content with the status quo. As a betrayed, I know the status quo is the pits.<P>-- keystone

I've read through your comments again and all the helpful advice you've received. An emotional picture of your H is emerging. <P>It sounds like he's been relying on you for emotionial security. He actually expects you to help him "become a type of person..." <BR>I think he needs to determine what will make him truly proud of himself, and "become" that person.<P>Physical fitness is great. I highly recommend it, but not as a replacement for emotional fitness. I can't imagine your H will ever give up "working out." But do you think he can tone it down (no pun intended...)? <P>I assume you work out with him, at least you work out. If so, do you do that for yourself or for him? Are there (other) things you two do together that you both enjoy?

What breaks my heart is that the day this "new situation" began, I sat down to tell him that I thought I had finally sorted things out. I told him I was hurt that he wasn't able to join me in my sorrow. I was having to handle it myself. He wasn't able to help me because he couldn't feel what I feel. Even if the tables were turned he couldn't feel what I feel. <P>I realize that he isn't a sensitive man. He was not raised by emotional parents. He has spent his entire life "controlling his emotions". I was prepared to accept this about him, but he once again proved to be so completely insensitive to my feelings that I now feel that all hope is gone.

I'm not sure how to answer your question about my physical fitness. Do I answer it from my perspective or my perspective as given to me by my H.<P>I have always done something, aerobics, etc. It wasn't until after my life fell apart that I truly achieved the success I wanted,(and of course the plastic surgery). My H would say that I didn't take care of myself. <P>I would work out and lose weight, but I still had this "pooch" around the middle. He would express to me that I wasn't working hard enough, I would get depressed and give up for a while. I stayed within 5 lbs of my marriage weight between babies until after my third and then it went up to 10.<P>After I found out about the affair I started working out for me not him. I started concentrating on stress relief not waistband relieve. I am too thin right now because I have developed an eating disorder (I just don't eat). I realize I am starving myself in order to make him see I am hurting. It is a control issue, but I am also afraid that if I start eating again I will gain because it is much easier for me to lose than it is to not gain. If I gain, my marriage is over.<P>I know, I know. I need councelling.

Help yourself and your kids first. You guys get strong. Mentall, emotionally, physically. Only then can you deal with the other aspects of the problems.<P>-- keystone

You're on the right track, if you are working out for yourself. Forget about the 5 or 10 pounds of added weight. (wait... let me first just say that after three kids, a mere 10 pounds is negligible... okay... NOW forget it...! :-) <P>Now, eating disorders are a tricky thing. But you know as well as I do that it serves no purpose to hurt someone by hurting yourself. <P>cliche time: <BR>"The best revenge is to live a happy life."<P>If you need more motivation, think about your kids... yours is the best example they can learn from. Your H isn't setting a very good one right now. They need to learn self-respect as well as respect for others...<P>I can empathize with the loneliness you say you feel... having to face the pain without your "best friend" helping you through it. Be patient. Be true to yourself. I'm not sure what's the best way to deal with it in the mean time. This forum helps me.

There used to be a time when I would look at other women, say walking down the street or in the car next to me and think to myself...what a nice looking women that is. <P>However, I would also keep it to myself so I wouldn't offend my wife.<P>Sadly, now days when I look at another woman, I often ask myself, "I wonder how many affairs she's been in"<P>gmc900

I do the same thing. I sometimes wonder if anybody has a happy marriage. Are we all just an affair waiting to happen, an affair in progress, an affair in recovery or a broken marriage.<P>The really sad part is that most of us will not be able to prevent our children from making the same mistakes. I plan on trying to get my children and their future spouses to read His Needs Her Needs before they marry. <P>There is another wonderful book for young couples, it is called The Act of Marriage. It is basically a sex how to book with a Bible based theme.