Hello all. I am new here. I am currently trying to reconcile with my wife. We are 1.5 years out from the end of her affair with a coworker. The affair lasted for 3 years. From everything I can tell the affair is over and has been over since the day it was discovered. I have had access to her emails, cell phone, and Facebook. So I have not seen anything else going on with the other man or anyone else. My wife was very remorseful and sorry about what she did to our family. We have 2 children 7 and 5. We initially went to marriage counseling and both went to a few sessions of individual counseling. That lasted about 3 months.

Up until recently my wife did everything right to help me get over the affair and help us try to move forward. Now as of about a month ago she has given up on reconciling. I am positive she isn�t having another affair but I think she was never really 100% committed to us reconciling and I can�t be in it by myself. I am just tired and worn out.
She doesn�t want to talk about the future, she says she feels like we are just friends, she doesn�t� want to get a divorce and become a statistic but she doesn�t know what to do. We are cordial to each other but we haven�t had sex in over a month and I am the one pushing for affection. I was essentially doing the Plan A to show her that I still love her but I understand that we should be in recovery now.

I think she is proactively trying to freeze me out so I will make the decision to separate or divorce. My wife is and always has been a �runner�. She avoids conflict like the plague and doesn�t want to deal with any real issues when it comes to me. I say me because when it�s the kids or the grandfather that raised her she is 100% behind them and supportive. It sucks to see her put emotion and feelings into them and leave me hanging. This is the last attempt for me. I don�t know if she can�t deal with the guilt or what but this is my last chance. I gave myself a deadline of the end of the year and I am done. I don�t want to be miserable and I don�t want to go through life in a loveless marriage. She has even stated that she isn�t sure if she knows how to love me again. Which from reading I know takes time and effort.


I read through some of the info on the site and I was making some of the changes I needed to make concerning communication and providing emotional support for my wife before I read it. I purchased His needs, her Needs and started reading it as well. I bought a hard copy for my wife that should arrive at the house this week. I am getting tired of trying to give her support when she has given up and it�s making me bitter. She wants us to remain friends but if this doesn�t work it�s over and there will be no friends because friends do not do what she did to me and think I will be cool with her fi she is not willing to meet me halfway to save our marriage.
Now that I have found the site I am positive that I was on the right track but now I am worried that I will not be able to get her to read and go through the book with me. I still love my wife and want our family to stay together but I can�t do this by myself. Any suggestions on how I can approach her about the book? If you need more info I can provide it. Thanks for any help or advice you can provide.

MMN,

Was the OM exposed to the OMW and others?

Did you expose what happened to your family or are you carrying the psychological burden all by yourself?

Does your W and the OM still work in the same company?

Did you have a DNA test for your youngest, and STD tests for you and your W?

God Bless
Gamma

MMN,

Was the OM exposed to the OMW and others?

Yes, the affair was exposed when the OMW confronted both of them. My wife broke down and told me that night. There are peole at her job that know.

Did you expose what happened to your family or are you carrying the psychological burden all by yourself?

I made an active choice not to reveal the affair to my family. She is an only child and only has her elderly grandfather who raised her. My Mother treats her like a daughter and my family would disown her if they found out. for my own sanity and the emotional well being of my kids I chose not to tell my family at this time. If we divorce or seperate then people will find out.

Does your W and the OM still work in the same company?

Yes they still work at the same company but she has a non contact in place and he was moved to another building. She has been actively lookign for another job but the economy sucks. Tehre are pople at work that have been keeping an eye on things for me and she has gone to HR as well. This is not ideal but it's what i have at the moment.


Did you have a DNA test for your youngest, and STD tests for you and your W?

No DNA test needed. Both my kids had the same genetic anomoly that runs in everyone in my family on my mothers side. yes we did STD testing.

God Bless
Gamma

Welcome to MB,

I think you have to speak to your wife very unemotionally presenting her with the situation, from your perspective (including the fact that she's losing your friendship too...put nicely) and the opportunity MB may provide to resolve it. Neither of you are in love with the other and you're both on the verge of giving up completely. Hopefully she agrees that reconciliation would be the best outcome for everybody involved and the only impediment to reconciliation is that she just doesn't see how it's possible. You AGREE with her. You don't think it's possible either, you've been trying and you're done...you're at the end of your rope TOO. However, you've found this website that has a program that if we both commit to trying...it pretty much guarantees success.

You aren't asking her to commit to reconciliation and you aren't promising you'll get over it ever....only trying to work a program for 6 more months and see what happens...TEAMING UP to turn over the final stone on your marriage. Hopefully your feelings will follow your actions but if not...at least you and she can move on knowing you did all you could to save your family (especially because it doesn't FEEL like she's tried that hard to date).

Considering your wife is the more reluctant spouse I'd sure rather see her in here posting for help than you. Maybe she'll register and post. In the alternative, register her and write a post for her giving your best guess at what she's thinking and feeling and show it to her for her input before hitting enter. It's probably not that hard to do as the typical roadblock to recovery is that the wayward spouse either still sees their affair partner from time to time at work or around town and/or they just don't think they'll ever be able to love their betrayed husband again. Throw in a little..."well, I can't help but feel that if my husband never neglected me, I never would have strayed" you've got 90% of all wayward wives.

You don't have to tell her just yet that you've already registered and been posting.

In the alternative, send your wife an email with a link to a poignant thread started by a wayward wife struggling with recovery. I don't have one to suggest out of hand but that's what I did in 2005 and my wife ended up reading on the forums and becoming hooked. She registered and posted before I ever did and it's made all the difference in our lives and recovery.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

What does 'did everything right' mean? Have you been following the Marriage Builders plan? Have you read any of the MB books, specifically SAA, which offers very specific instruction to recover from an affair? Have you thought about counseling with the MB coaching center, rather than with a regular marriage counselor (which are generally not successful at recovering marriages from affairs)?

Hi maybenot, welcome to Marriage Builders. The above is the reason your marriage is not recovering. Recovery is impossible as long as they continue to work together. Your wife stays in a perpetual state of withdrawal by going there every day. By working in the same place, they can still run into each other, eye each others car in the parking place, the opportunity for contact is endless. This is how affairs resume. And be assured that they could resume the affair right under everyone's nose without being found out. Even the dumbest wayward can get around that. Trust me on this, we have seen everything.

That is where you should start. Here is one of many radio links to Dr Harley discussing why it is impossible to recover from an affair if the affairees still work in the same place: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=652

The second most glaring thing is the fact that you haven't exposed the affair to your families. This is extremely therapeutic for the recovery of a marriage for 2 reasons. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable. It also bursts any fantasies she harbors about the affair. The second most important reason is that your marriage needs the support of your family. Dr Harley says that exposure of an affair is the single most important first step towards recovery.

In the Marriage Builders program you have not taken the FIRST STEP. Traditional marriage counseling is destructive to marriages and this is one of the reasons why. You have not even taken the first step of our program, and as such, have seen NO progress. Now you are discouraged.

But if you had taken the appropriate steps months ago you would be well on your way to a happy, romantic, fulfilling marriage. Marriage Builders is completely different from other programs in that it actually works and is a step by step plan that always works when both spouses are on board.

Here is what Harley would have told you:

MrWondering: The book arrived today so thanks for the suggestion. Also thanks for recommending this site to me. I will wait until this evening or tomorrow to bring it up.


Unwritten: By doing everything right I mean she was transparent and answered all of my questions until I did not have anymore. She listened to me when I had to vent and in general dealt with me as I worked on myself.

Melody: listened to the link and I clearly here what was said but with 2 children until she finds another job we are not in a financial situation for her to quit and wait to find another job. Believe me I would like nothing better for her to quit that job. And I am sure you are right that even if she has not resumed the affair being around him even if it's just in passing isn't helping. He was moved several months ago to another building downtown but they are still in the same agency. Until she can get another job I have to work in this framework. If that means it's doomed then I will have to deal with that because eventually not being able to pay the bills is not an option with kids. I am working on getting myself financially independent again which will be easier for me than her but until then I am stuck.


As for the lack of exposure that is just as much for me as her with my family. Mutual friends know but those that knew while she was having the affair are no longer my friends. I did not tell my immediate family because there would be no chance of reconciling then because of how my family is. IF we don't work they will find out and if we do work they will find out. I just cant' deal with them harassing me right now when I need to focus on my kids, my job, and myself in general. Not a cop out just reality for me right now. Telling my family would be an additional stressor for her but it would be for me as well.

I clearly here what was said but with 2 children until she finds another job we are not in a financial situation for her to quit and wait to find another job. Until she can get another job I have to work in this framework.

Oh, absolutely! This framework is doing such an excellent job of keeping her engaged and enlisted in your marriage thusfar, isn't it?

I did not tell my immediate family because there would be no chance of reconciling then because of how my family is.

Then you ditch the rest of the family, if they cannot assist you and her in rebuilding!

Look, dude, let's make this crystal clear: You have no idea how to save your marriage, but want to hear from us so that you can reject all the elements that have proven to work in thousands of cases before you.

Again...will she post here. She's the reluctant spouse and the one that will need the most coaching from the forum. We might be able to motivate her to find another job with more urgency.


You've been "recovering" for 1.5 years, but OM just got transferred "downtown" several months ago? So they were in the same building for most of your recovery???? It's bad enough they still work for the same company but I can see where you've had problems the last 1.5 years...

NO CONTACT whatsoever...for life is Step one.

Get her here so we can convince her. I think deep down you know but you're too eager to let her off the hook based upon financial considerations. It's the betrayed husband conflict- avoider tendency. You were too happy to get a chance at recovery versus knowing the minimum requirements to even begin recovery. She needs to post here so we can talk her into it and put a bug under her butt to find a new job. It's not 2009-2010 anymore.



Mr. Wondering

NeverGuessed and MelodyLane: You are right. I didn't come here to be defensive I came looking for help so I will take any advice I can get.

Mr. Wondering: I will try to get her to the site.

maybenot, what is your wife doing in her job search that is taking YEARS to get another job? It doesn't sound like she is too serious. Does she have a sense of urgency?

MMN,

Alternately can you get OM fired?

Was OM your W's supervisor or in a position of trust.

With the OM in your W's building it resets your recover clock to zero, and since it takes about two years at best for recovery you can see why this is important.

God Bless
Gamma

MB, when was the last time your wife saw, sighted, or spoke to the OM? In any way, shape or form? Does she see him on facebook?

Melody: She does have a sense of urgency with the job search. She works for the state government and has applied for numerous positions. She is trying to stay within the state to keep the benfitis. Our benefits are currently through her job. She has also been applying for posistions in the private sector as well. I check the internet history on our home compter often and see the applications and searches. She has been on several interviews with no luck.

I don't know if it makes a difference but I wasn't very clear. My wife and the other man both work for the state. His department which is different from hers moved to another building downtown. In the past they were in the same building and saw each other on a regular basis. That is no longer the case.

The last time she saw him was a few months ago in a joint department meeting for the state employees. It was a large forum and she sat with her friends from the job nowhere near him. She called and told em abotu the meeting and called afterwards to tell me about it. She does not interact with him on facebook or any other electronic medium that I am aware of. I have her facebook accounts as well as email and access to her cell phone.

Gemma: The OM was not her Supervisor but he was a Supervisor so he is a level above her. I thought about calling the ethics line in the past but didn't because I didn't want to risk my wife getting fired as well. I am also 80% positive the OM's wife did that very thing when she discovered he was having an affair.

This is why your marriage doesn't recover. When she sees him at events, or sees his name on emails, her recovery goes back to Day 1..

I also wanted to add that we had another discussion last night after I got home from work. I told her that we were both at the end of our ropes and if we can't be in a happy marriage then I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life. i told her that I found a website that specializes in saving/rebuilding marriages and asked if she would be willing to go through the steps/programs on the webiste to give us one more chance before we gave up. I also asked her if she would be willing to read through the book His Needs, Her Needs with me and see if this helps and if it does great and if not then we can move on with our lives like we had been planning.

Her response was that she had started thinking about plans of moving out and trying to get a house. She wanted us to be friends and she doesn't want my family to hate her because she still loves them and me. She had been trying to think of how we would handle the kids, 1 week with her 1 week with me etc. She also talked about finances. She put together a budget and figured out how much she would need from me. She doesn't want the house, she doesn't want anything from the house. There was crying and apologizing by her but I think we both were just waiting for someone to make the first step towards the end. I told her that if we split I probably won't be friends with her because of what had happened and we would just be dealing with each oterh for the kids.

Anyway she said she would read the book with me and she would check out the site. She did say she has a hard time trying at this point because she just wants peace in her life and I responded that how would she find piece by moving out. We started reading the book last night and did the emotional needs form. We will keep reading tonight and she agreed to check out the website and forum. I will be sending her a link today and she will hopefully get on this evening. I think last night wa the first time she heard some of the issues she faced with the affair in the book and we will see if she keeps it up or not.


I understand tough love but I am just trying to relay what i see happening. If I am doing it wrong please tell me. I do think my wife is completely done with the affair. her and the OM don't see each otehr anymore and don't work with each other on a regular basis. So she doesn't see him at all and avoids the all hands on deck meetings that happen twice a year unless she can't. If this still is not adequate and she needs to quit the job completely even though there is no contact then we will have to work towards that asap.

I just don't think she has ever had a good way to cope with negative feelings or when her needs aren't met and not just in our marriage. that's why I came here looking for ways to restore love in our marraige. I am hoping this site can open her eyes to something. It also may open my eyes because my assumption is when she gets on here if she is serious she won't be able to [censored] herself either. If I need to be smacked around please do so as well.

Thanks, for the help and willingness to listen and point me in the right direction. My guess is I will know real soon if it's to late or not because either she will keep on with hat i have asked or she will quit at this too and then i will have my answer.

Just ignore my last post since I restated the obvious. So my options are she MUST quit the job, get the OM fired, or my marriage will never recover? I will jump ahead in the book to the section on affairs and recovery.

They simply CANNOT work together for your marriage to recover.

I lived this, learned this the hard way, as even after the a was over, OM and W worked in same building, could still run into each other...meaning, the affair really was not over.

I exposed, OM got fired from the job. OM and W did not work together any longer.

Recovery started.

(on a side note, even with OM gone, the wworkplace was too much the trigger, and W eventually left it as well).

I am researching now how to report it to the ethics line.