No do not confront him yet. You need to gather the evidence and then expose. On your exposure list will be her boyfriend.

Do you have spyware on his phone? Can you do a wonderful Plan A while keeping your emotions in check to be Mrs. James Bond?

He may be gearing up for a revenge affair.

Why weren't you with him yesterday at his family?

I know her bf already suspects something, and knows that they talk. It definitely crossed my mind to let him know that she is encouraging my H to divorce me.

We both have prepaid phones, so I don't know how I would even go about getting spyware for that. I do check his phone whenever I get the chance, but usually the messages have been deleted.

It was his birthday yesterday, and he wanted to have lunch with him and his mom. I stayed home to clean and work on some of the bills. It wasn't until this morning that I found out that his mom and sister were talking with him about our marriage. I don't know the details of it, other than the fact that they support him leaving me.

When you see the messages at least forward them for safe keeping.

What about a VAR in his car?

I don't think anything in the car would help at all. It's when he's at work that they find the time to talk. BH will actually be home soon, so I'll see where things go from there. The real issue isn't so much the OW, but the fact that he's wanting to leave me after all this time.

You need to read Surviving an Affair by Dr Bill Harley

I've read that book, as well as HSHN and LB. It's not me that needs to change anymore, it's him.

Anyways, BH didn't come home after work. He needed some time to think and figure things out. I went to my mom's and stayed there for a bit with her and my sister. BH texted me he was home, and ready to talk.

He asked about my day, and then we got into it. He was already laying on the bed when I got home, so I just sat down next to him. I asked what he spent 5 hours driving around thinking about, and he said he wants a divorce. I kinda sensed that was coming, so I didn't react out of anger.

I mentioned if he wanted to try a trial separation first, but he didn't know what that was, so I explained it to him. He said he'll sleep on it, and let me know tomorrow.

I expressed to him that a divorce is never what I want, and I know I'm not going to be happier without him. I've moved past believing that this is my fault anymore, because I have done everything to try and make this marriage work, and he even agreed to that.

Right now he's still in the bedroom, and I'm on our pull out mattress in the living room. As hard as this is for me right now, at least I know there was nothing more I could do.

I know this is a lot to take in, but this message just came into H's phone from OW. I'll break it up to make it a little easier to read through.
(On a side note, I have replaced all names with just the first letter. I'm "A".)


"I appreciate your honesty. I understand where you're coming from. I think staying away for now will be the right thing to do. I do believe that your feelings for me only exist because I was there at your most vulnerable state: which was when you opened up to me about what A did to you. I'm glad I was able to be trusted with one of your secrets, even though you & I were't that close of friends to begin with. & I'm glad I can go to you with things that I need to talk/vent about. There's not many friends that I have that I feel comfortable enough to do that with.

I'm happy that I was able to steer you in the right direction, but at the same time, I feel like your feelings towards me impacted your decision way more than you would have thought. I don't want to be any reason in your decision to finally end things with A. I want you to be happy & not have to be forced to stay in a relationship if you're not happy. I know how that feels because I've been there. It's not cool. I don't want to be the rebound person either because that's not cool either, especially not to you.

You're a nice guy, sweet, funny, caring, everything that a girl needs/wants & you deserve to find a girl that will treat you right. I may seem like the full package, but trust me, I have a lot of issues too. You haven't seen all sides of me yet. There's girls out there who are way prettier/hotter/sexier than I am. Believe me.

A part of me thinks that you would treat me right, in all the ways that I could imagine, & I feel so guilty thinking about what it would be like if you & I were together. You made me feel so special in the last few days & you've said things that I never would have imagined. I can't help but feel that some of the things you say about R is true, & you're saying them to make me doubt my trust in him. But at the same time, deep down in my heart, I know they're true. & it's just a matter of time until he finds someone better & ends up hurting me.

On one last note, I just want you to be happy, whether it'd be with A, single, or being a man whore. Just know that whatever decision you make, you make it with a clear head without having any influence on your decision.

If you & A do get a divorce, I want you to take your time in letting yourself heal & move on before starting any kind of relationship with anyone. I will respect your wishes & "ignore" you after tonight, it is after all, the healthy thing to do. Good luck K, I'll be here for you when you need a friend."

Just one more update. I talked to OW's boyfriend last night. I told him that H wanted a divorce, and I thought something was going on with him and OW. He said nothing was going on, and he wanted to respect her privacy by not reading the message.

Just now I messaged my mother in law, telling her that H wants a divorce, and that I think there might be an OW in the picture. I asked her to call me, and that I desperately need her help and support in saving my marriage.

I just need some confirmation that I am doing the right thing here. And any other pieces of advice on what to do next.

Sorry for all the posts, but this is a fast moving process.

Today has been a very emotional day for us both. We had both come to terms that our marriage was over, and were talking details about our divorce.

While talking to his mom, she brought up the comment that the books we ordered (SAA, HSHN, LB) must not have worked. That is when he realized that he didn't even give them a chance..

I have done my part in this, and read the books, along with part of the workbook. H sees this, and reassured me that he knows I've done all I can, and now it's his turn to show me that he's doing all he can in return.

Since most of his job is sitting down, he agreed to read SAA. After that, we are both going to go through HSHN and LB along with the workbook for those.

Thank you all for all your continued support.

Why aren't you exposing his EA with this OW?

You have proof that they are discussing having an A while he is married to you.

He has lied to you about the extent of his 'friendship' with her. Not his type indeed!

And don't buy that 'oh you were vulnerable and don't really want me' nonsense.

She knew what she was doing and is revelling in the attention and in breaking up a marriage.

Expose, already. Its not right for him to pretend to be working on recovery while using sympathy for an OW to get revenge.

He's impressing his mother while getting to have his cake (you) and eat it too (OW as 'friend)

Keep snooping. Spyware, vars GPS. If he has ever or ever in future says 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' then it means the A is very advanced and he will want to continue it on the side.

So you have enough to expose.

You need to sit down and expose.

I appreciate all of your feedback.

When he left for work last night, he took SAA with him and read the first 4 chapters. We talked about it in depth when he got home and what he liked/didn't like/ etc.

We also had a nice long conversation about the OW. I reread her message in front of him, and he answered every question I had about it. He was completely honest with the fact that he was developing feelings for her, and apologized for hiding their conversations with me. He has also ended all contact with her, and is leaving his phone available for me to look through.

I told H I'm still skeptical about everything and need him to prove more to me that he really is serious about making this work. We addressed every issue that came up, and talked in depth about each of them.

Currently I am sleeping on a bed in the living room, and he is in the bedroom. First of all, I'd like to get your thoughts on this. And secondly, do I still continue to meet his need for SF, even if I'm not ready to let him back in all the way?

I don't plan on these being permanent sleeping arrangements, but just for now, I thought it best to take a step back to break the cycle.

First of all you should be in the marital bed.

So you didn't expose? He works with her and so everytime they are in contact his feelings for her will grow.

He needs to find another job and you need to expose.

Okay, I will move back into the bedroom.

I exposed to her boyfriend, but haven't talked to her personally yet. He did read me messages he sent to her though saying that they can no longer talk.

He said that he's willing to work at a different location, and has a male accountability parter to help keep them apart.