Okay I found an email for the Director of HR for the agency they are in. Can anyone direct me on what exactly to put in the email so i dont' sound crazy? Can I do it anonymously or should I put my information in it.

MR. HR director name,

I would like to inform you that "OM name here" has and is currently abusing his authority as Supervisor/Manager in your organization. He has had and is currently having an affair with subordinates in your organization. He has used his position to help them gain employment and proceed to have a relationships with them. I could not find the direct line to the ethics hotline for your particular organization so I decided to contact you directly. One of the people he has used his position to sleep with is my wife and I know there are others. It is my understanding that he is currently divorced himself because of these affairs and I wanted to know how your agency could condone such behavior and abuse of power.

Sincerely,

A concerned Spouse

What is happening is that she remains in a perpetual state of withdrawal because she continues to see the OM. And she may very well be continuing their romantic relationship at work, that would be so easy. Even if she isn't, when she goes there he is top of mind and this continued trigger keeps her in a fog that prevents her from joining your marriage.

Your marriage is in a serious crisis and my suggestion would be to call Steve Harley for counseling. He is pricey [$200] a session, but if anyone can save your marriage, it would be him. He does not mess around. He will assess your situation and give you and your wife a plan. He will also persuade her to try his plan and leave that job.

Quietly remove the His Needs, Her Needs book [this is not for waywards!!] and replace with Surviving an Affair.

Another suggestion is to expose the affair to your children and your family members. This is another reason why she has remained in a fog. The affair has wrecked your marriage and now your wife is going to leave you and pretend like it wasn't the affair.

Did she say "I need some space?" Did she say "I love you but am not in love with you?"

I like your letter. I would make sure and add your wife's name and the timeline of the affair. Be sure and add your full name and phone # so they can contact you for follow up questions. I would add this for your last paragraph:


You should probably cc 2-3 other key employees, such as both of their supervisors and a key director over their divisions.

Melody: yes I have heard the I need space and I love you but I am not in love with you before. I am going to buy surviving the affair today at lunch and will consider doing a session with Dr. Harley. I almost told my Father this morning but didn't. I am at a point where I can't keep it all in anymore so I will probably tell him first and then the rest of my family will find out.

Okay, stop with the half-measures, okay?

Here's the bomb you drop:

MR. HR director name,
MR State Agency Head

I must inform you that "OM name here" has engaged in a ongoing pattern of abusing his authority as Supervisor/Manager in your organization. He has had and is currently having an affair with subordinates in your organization. He has used his position to help them gain employment, and advance in your organization, in exchange for sexual services from them. It is my understanding that he is currently divorced himself because of these affairs. One of the people he has used his position to have sex with is my wife, "Mrs WW name here", and I know there are others. I have proof of his most recent affair, and will supply same upon request.

In view of the current State and Federal statutes forbidding this abuse of power and sexual harassment, I am expecting immediate action on this matter. I can be reached at "phone number" or via e-mail at xxxxx@yyyyy.zzz

Sincerely,

A concerned Spouse


cc: Your legislators
The Municipal Union President

Really adding kick to this would be to get verification from the spouses oif POSOM's other conquests, you know.

I suspect the affair is still active. Saying ILUBNIL is a sign that she has another point of comparison. Asking for "space" is always code for need "space" to carry on my affair. They can easily talk to each other all day long at work and meet up during the day.

I would bring the affair out into the open. While your wife is in denial about the effect of the affair on your marriage, it is the root of the problem.

A woman does not leave a man unless there is a powerful motivator, such as an OM in the woodwork. A WW will ask that her jilted husband be her "friend" so she will feel less guilty about wrecking the marriage. What it really means is she wants you to bend over and take it without objection.

And if your children are not told the truth about the reasons for the breakup of your marriage, I ASSURE you that she will lie to them and blame it on you. This is why Dr Harley is adamant that the children are told the truth about the affair. Here, your wife is planning on wrecking their family for what? For some loser.


Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

OK I feel like a spastic idiot right now and I am freaking out. Can I send it anonymously or at least request that they keep my name and information confidential?

Maybe,

Please, please follow the advice Mel and NG are giving you. You have a powerful tool in that exposure letter...the very threat of harassment lawsuits, mismanaged company funds, jeopardizing business contracts...it seems most employers will cut bait very quickly -- the good of the many will outweigh the "good" of the one (POS).

(and Mel etc. are spot on about that little detail: CC as many people as possible -- once they start to "cross reference" with each other, they can't bury it...)

NO!!! I thought the same thing at first -- you need to include your name and contact info so as to be contacted in case of facts/verification. You don't want to be hiding behind it -- Expose -- youre publicly standing up for your marriage and family...I lived that whole thing -- don't fear it!

I am taking my head out of the sand. I will type it up and send it off today.

MB, can I ask why you want to keep it anonymous? You are not the one who has anything to hide. You have done nothing wrong. This man has all but wrecked your marriage and your children's family. He needs to be held accountable. If I were in your position, I would want to make certain he knew who did the right thing and exposed him. You don't have to hide out like a cockroach.

Relax, you're in safe hands. The best vets on these boards are giving you invaluable advice and have coached numerous others through the same situation.

Telling the truth will not hurt anyone.

What about hiring a PI to stake out the car park at their work before the exposure? I would be very surprised if two waywards were able to resist resumption of the A if they have been continually triggered all this time.

An affair is a highly charged adrenaline rush. Extra attention. They become addicts. They are addicts who have never walked away from their drug.

ILUBNILWU is a huge red flag the A is still on. She may have a secret affair phone. Often hidden in the car. They would likely meet up in their vehicles in the carpark at work or somewhere close to work, or go somewhere at lunch.

But at the very least she is still triggered and thinks she can leave without putting any work in to heal you.

Dont do half-measures when it comes to family exposure. Click the link in Melody Lane's signature, follow the advice to the letter and do it properly.

Your family will take your lead IF you appear to be in control and managing this whole situation. You must be very firm with everyone.If you are too shy to face them and are ducking the revelations it will make them panic and class you as a fool.

Amen, Melody!

Maybe, I felt the same way...without the support of these fine people, I don't know where I'd be right now.

Exposing was very empowering -- it made certain the good people in my life knew who was for or against marriage...

And the vets will tell you --it is SHE who has something to hide, NOT the BS, becasue there is no excuse, none, for committing adultery.

Get at it!

I appreciate you are protective of her but she is a big girl and treating her like a child will only encourage the current childishness she is displaying. Friends, indeed!

After exposure she can explain to everyone what she has done, and what she will do from now on to put it right. There are former waywards on these boards who are very respected posters who did just that honestly and unflinchingly. It's the first step to becoming a responsible person again.

(I was hesitant re exposure too. Thought my family would be crazy angry at him. Actually they were super supportive when I told them about my plan and my very high standards and conditions for recovery. They respected it then)

MMN,

One other detail which may be important here is that if OM is now divorced it may have triggered your WW to think it is time for them to be together, reuniting as "soulmates". A 3 year affair is not easy to overcome that's long enough for them to believe they know everything about their affair partner.

Is the OM older than her, do you have information on affairs he had before the one with your WW?

God Bless
Gamma

Indie makes a great point.

Even after the betrayal, my gut instinct was to protect my W, keep her from harm, insulate our family...WRONG.

No matter the issues of our marriage, SHE behaved this way, so SHE would have to own it...and face family and friends.

As painful as it was to watch (and the vets were right on with this), exposure and the consequences of her affair needed to fall on HER shoulders in order for the affair to end, and recovery to begin.

And yes, it is unfair, because then WE, the BS, are left to help clean up the mess...but, as they say "this is the life I have chosen..."

Keep going forward!

I am taking my head out of the sand. I will type it up and send it off today.

Well, you've been here about one day. You're doing very well, MBMN. Whereas you understand that you should pull you head from out of the sand, there have been posters here not pulling their heads out of...other places...for months!

Strap up, and prepare for WW to go bat-shi+ crazy. It does not matter what she says, promises, threatens, or does (short of assaulting you). Your only words to her will be, "I needed to do this to give our marriage the best chance of surviving. Can I make you a cup of chamomile tea?" And hold your head HIGH when you say it.

Maybe it was because her A ran its course and needed to be caught for it to end, but my W almost gladly exposed to her parents and my mother on dday. (It was Mother's day and my mom was with us.)

The dose of humiliation on a grand scale is just what both a fogged out wayward like your wife AND a uber-remorseful soul like my wife need.

Once you read SAA you get a real good picture of what exposure scientifically can do.

I am sending the email/letter but I will answer your question. I seem to be adding more history as i go. i have been doign this wrong for so long. This would have been much easier if I had found this site 16 months ago. Everything I tried up to know has not worked to restore our marriage. So bear with me as I add more info as we go since I have been in this mess for over a year. I felt like this over a year ago and know it's all comgin back because i have had my head in the sand for so long i guess.

I have been a wreck for over year now and coming here is a last ditch effort for me. I thought there were things I knew about our relationship over the past year and coming to this site has made me wonder or open my eyes to the fact that it's possible she is still seeing him. Or even if she has been telling me the truth for the last year and it is over, that the reason we can't move forward is because she is still at the job. when the OM's wife exposed them at the job and at his apartment, the police were involved so she had to tell me what happened. During the initial month afterwards she discovered that he was seeing other people at the job and she got pissed. She cut him off. She cut him off in the same way she cut off her own Father that abandoned her and she doesn't speak to him today even though he tries and the same way she cut off her sister who she doesn't speak to today. I have witnessed her coping mechanisms for people that have wronged her and they are extremely adequate once she puts them in place. So once she said she made that stance with OM I chose to believe her. (I still verified as much as I could and realize that probably was not enough now) Now the other issue to this is her coping mechanism for dealing with people that actually do care for her is all messed up which includes me. Not making excuses for the A but she freely admits she is messed up. Anyway the OM initially still made attempts while they were still in the same building and she told me about them and when I asked she told me about them. It wsnt' easy for her and she admitted it but once he ws out fo the building i ddi see a change in her.

Then we have the OMW who came into the picture. The OMW harrassed us for a few months with phone calls and emails. She did send me an email at my job as well exposing the relationship but I already knew about it. In that email their were veiled threats against me and my kids. She stated that my wifes affair was putting us in danger but never elaborated.

The calls and threats have stopped but most of that was when they were going through their divorce. It has been calm with the harrasment for about 4 months or so now. We had to threaten going to the police, purchased an alarm system, got fire arm training along with concealed carry permits.

Back to your question, my fear is that once I send this letter there is no turning back. If I find out that my wife has been telling me the truth, I understand it's not likely, but if she has been telling the truth for the last year then this letter will essentially kill our recovery or maybe it will start it. She does not know how to deal with our relationship and that's why i was at this site to find ways to help her cope and work through the issue together. If she is really at that point then sending this letter and having it trace back to me may destroy what little hope she has left or more accurately I have left.

Now saying that, what you and others have posted has made sense. i went through all of these same emotions, snooping, dealing with the OM and the OMW. Thinking we have moved past that and now I am back to square one or correctly I never got off square one. If I do find she is cheating again we are done but what if she isn't. Like I said I am moving forward with the letter and I am not being bullheaded but taken back my life and our marriage is tough for me. I want it so bad but I am scared. I am not asking to be coddled, I have just kept this crap in for so long it's paralyzed me. i really do think i will tell my Father so at least I ahve someoen to talk to about this stuff because it's eating me up inside. It just feels like Dday all over again for me and I guess it is.

I am not trying to rationalize my way out of doing it. i am just dealing with the same feelings and problems i had 1.5 years ago again like it's new all over. Which is why I am willing to move forward. When I am typing stuff out it's not to argue with you it's so I can get the stuff off my chest and once I read it i usually realize how stupid I sound or how off base i am.

Thanks all for support and tough love. I feel like I am in a fog as well.