Hi. I've looked at MB on occasion since 2008. I have been looking for hours at SunnyfromTX (forgot exact name)and a few others. I decided I should come here for support from folks who understand.Previously I had been turned off by some threads but this time I found some encouraging stories.

I was totally blind sided in 2008. Tried plan A and a plan b or sorts twice. Thought we were on our way to an amazing marriage when he quit working at it. Moved out of state June 2012 to do plan b (more of the "Why women leave men plan b" than one to stop an affair.) I know I will be in this for a long time and it has been a roller coaster ride for sure. I think I need to reach out this time around for support from those with experience. I will post an email I sent to my in laws ...explains where I am at.

Hi Blueskies, please give us more of your story when you get a chance. It would help us better understand where you are at now.

I have been in a one-sided recovery as well, so I can lament with you on that.

~RQ

Below are my latest text request to DH and his replies:

ME: (have invited him to visit...told him about jobs in his career here in our new location- which is close to my family and our friends. He seemed surprised I was so nice and want him to visit. I also asked him to pack my winter clothes so I don't waste the families funds to rebuy what I have back home )


9/14 Me: would you like to join me for a time with SH at MB to discuss where we go from here next thurs at 9:30 or 12:30 ( His day off)
T: Don't know

Me: Didn't understand your answer

ME: How about we talking to Steve separately on Thurs? Girls really want to know how to plan 4 next semester. They ask a lot. Bc of HS sports commitments, club commitments, scheduling ACT and SAT test etc.


9/18 ME: Something is not right. I feel I will need to contact XXXX at ur work to find out if you still in relationship with XXXX. I am not getting any answers and I have to know how to proceed 4 the future.

DH: My gosh....Football...XXXXX played last night...Have not started packing...Looked at list last night...Have not spoken to her in 3 years.

ME: That is good to hear. So will u talk to SH to let him know where u r at so he can help me to plan for the next semester.

DH: The last text is crazy ...U know where I am at...At our home...What u have done is wrong....I'm not some puppet that u want to behave in a certain way....

ME: Can you tell that to Steve? I can't see anything except what I see and heard from u. I don't want to only give my perception and get guidance on that. The girls said they want to know where we will be next semester.

DH: I would like to know where girls will be ....I guess u are making all decisions.

ME: So would U like to meet with Steve to work on our decision?

DH: (no reply)



-------------------------------------------------------
back story: This spring things were tense, miserable. Nothing I did helped. dd said something had to give. I told dh I would leave if he not help work on marriage. June 5th end of school, I told him we leaving as soon as packed. He got very angry....blamed me. He tried to get girls to take his side. Got them out of bed. dd told him opposite of what he wanted to hear. I was in shock. This was not the great father I once knew him to be. He was reverting back to his FOG days. Finally, next morning he angry again...I asked him why would I stay with someone who is so angry? If he had come to me to leave I would ask is there anything I can do, can we go to counseling? I love you, can we work on this? That would be normal. He was speechless. He took a walk.

He came back and was 180 degree different. Said he took advantage of me for too long. He knew I would always be faithful to love him and stick with him. He assured me that I fought for my love...he teared up. I was shocked at his turn around. I replied" but I never got it back or maybe I did for a little while in recovery?" . " Do you love me?" He said it is complicated. He was super nice the next day. But I had fallen for this way too many times. A vicious cycle. I told him that I was doing plan B. When he is ready to follow a plan of recovery then I will come back to NM. We will live in separate houses practicing the plan and new behaviors (both of us) for possibly up to a year, dating and recovering until we are committed to a healthy marriage which we will both continue to work on for the rest of our lives. (I didn't say all of this- I told him I was doing plan B- he read it- I just summarized a bit of what he read.) He agreed and understood what I was doing. He said if he really loved me he would not treat me as he had. He said we would talk once a week about finances. He didn't. I text him important info. He rarely calls girls. I call and hand girls the phone. They are happy after they talk but don't initiate themselves. He was such a great dad before all this happened!!!!



My request to father in law: Do you think you have any ground to ask dh to please talk to marriage counselor? Steve can help us even if it means navigating a divorce (Lord forbid) . I am open to being adjusted by Steve. We really need a mediator. Steve may tell me to wait it out. He has lots of experience. Often those who have an affair will recover just enough to get their family back....especially if they have had luxury of having two relationships (double life) for a long period. Often they will not fully take responsibility and come out of their fog (and blaming the enabling spouse) until a plan B happens. The process can take a long while. I value the coaches opinion...but I feel it will be best if he hears dh's side.

Who was his AP and are they still in contact? It sounds to me that he is quite happy where he is now and with you and the girls far away. I think it is impossible for you to work on recovery when you are separated the way you are. What were your plans for the future, for him to move there or for you to move back?

~RQ

I couldn't do plan b at home.
1. I come back to easy
2. I can't avoid running into him
3. It was making me crazy to stay
4. SH agreed I should leave out of town for plan b
5. I hoped he would come around by summer's end.
6. SH knows OW is at his work (but it is a big place and they not work exact same hours) He hates her last report. She turned on him at the job after talking to me by phone to apologize and I gave her my side of story.
7. SH said my dh is super compartmentalized not only in personality but his job demands his brain function that way. SH said it will be a long race, doesn't know where the finish line will be and put myself in a position to run as comfortably as possible for the unknown duration. I can't wait to talk to SH this Thurs.... it has been a few months of running...and I need some guidance.
8. Letter states can't come back to the way things were, I love him, think we can have a great marriage, but there has to be a plan to come back to. (He told a friend he doesn't believe in MB any more) He use to agree enthusiastically but has been bad on follow through with out constant support from MB or the Porn addiction coach.

I think it is great that you are coaching with SH. Kiss and I have spoken to him a few times as well. Keep us updated on what SH suggests you do.

One major problem I had was trust. The straw that broke the camel's back (it is a story)

I left my phone at a friend's home after a bible study. We went to pick it up the next day on a bike ride. Friend shared something further she discovered/enjoyed from the passage we read last night. DH said I am so glad my wife left the phone just so we could hear your enjoyment from the word. He isn't outspoken but ever so often he says stuff like this. (I felt he was lying because for a long time now he quit practicing personal spiritual pursuit at home which really bothers the family) I condemned myself as usual for having bad thoughts about him. A few days later, when I felt I would not make a DJ I asked why he said that to our friend? . I was so sad when he confirmed my suspensions by saying that he has been around long enough and knows what to say. After feeling like I would puke, I woke up to the fact that he has some deep problems and that he needs to recover himself before he could recover his family. He would go on for as long as he could in this state and drag us along with him in this state unless I did something drastic, like taking the kids to another state into plan b. How can I trust someone who lies to other people?

The day after I said I would leave, he got angry, then had a huge turn, and the next day read his bible and shared something with me that was sweet. He also shared that he has a problem having a private time with God because alone time for a former porn user is like dancing around the well. He says he can only touch God with other people in meetings. However, he refuses to pray with me and says he just can't do it. He purposely denies me not only real affection (without sex) but spiritual intimacy, and honesty.
I know everyone is different but for myself I would have to add a 11th category to Dr. Harley's list of ENs. Yes I know he says there are many ENs but he tried to narrow it down to the top 10. For me spiritual intimacy is as much of a need as the others.Withholding spiritual intimacy is upsetting especially when he does it with others and not me or makes statements like he did to our friend.
I would classify my dh as a dry drunk. He doesn't do a or p but he still has the attitude of an addict. Blaming me not taking responsibility and becoming disconnected again. He plugs into his routine, work, exercise, go to church meetings. I never meant anyone like him before, ever. He can ride his bike in the basement for 1.5 hours a few times every week for years or eat the same thing for lunch every single work day for years and years. He flipped out when his routine got busted when the OW left him after her divorce for a single guy since she no longer wanted to be the OW.

Blueskies... I'm confused as to why you would text him and/or invite him to visit if you are in plan B. ???

You seem to know the program. You said that previously you tried plan B but you were not able to stay in plan B living in the same area as your DH. It seems that you aren't going to be able to stay in plan B living in another state either - not at this rate.
In order for Plan B to work you've gotta commit to actually following it. And - I assume you know that plan B is for YOUR health - and that of your girls - not just some ploy to get your H to come around, right?

I would comment about the spiritual issues but right now none of that even matters: you gotta get in a real plan B!

So sorry for the reason you are here. Hang in there!

Yeah I'm a bit lost. My plan B isn't normal I guess. Steve said to preserve my energy but he did say to contact him occasionally to keep me on his radar.( a marketing strategy. Maybe I crossed the line. All i know is SH said dh will keep trying to put the ball in my court and I have to keep it is his court and keep the ball going because he said me dh will get into a routine (boy was he right) and it may take him a good while to start to address this. I have to outlast him I suppose. Things are awesome here and lots of support but I am homesick and so are my kids off and on. I have been trying to be strong for them....getting tired.

Obviously it is time for me to check in with SH. I am all over the place in my feelings right now. This is not easy. I probably messed up. Hence I decided to start this thread. I will let all know what SH advises and am hoping a few folks might assist in keeping me in the plan. Obviously I can't do this alone anymore and friends and family just don't get it.

I should clarify I have lots of personal support and my kids are supported but not marriage specific support. Things are best if I participate in life with friends and family but don't discuss it. It just drags me down to try to explain MB concepts. Too much work plus I have to relive all the horror.

You have come to the right place for support! I don't know of anyone who can do this alone... it's very difficult.

So glad you are getting help from SH.

Do you have an IM (intermediary)? If not, do you know someone who can be one for you?

IM was never brought up in the plan and no I can't think of anyone not easily anyways. We still share finances.

By the way I read your post for 9 hours today. I can relate to you momentary temper tantrums and then your talking about what a great guy he is. First time on this forum I ever could relate to anyone's situation whole heartedly.

Obviously today I have altogether lost it. All I can do is hope for a fresh start tomorrow. Thank goodness there is an end to each day followed by a new beginning.

Oh my...I am really loosing it. I just read my thread. I have misspelled words, asent commas, and I would gasp if I read that many run-on sentences in my dd's essays!

absent...time for bed.

I sent dh a radio link from another thread re: the importance of no longer ever seeing OW or OM again.

I asked if this had any bearing. This was dh reply.


Nope ... I asked you not to leave. I begged ... BEGGED you to come back mid July. I patiently hoped til mid August until you enrolled the girls in school. I constantly have to tell co-workers or people at church " the girls arent at XXX, they are in XXX ." , " my wife and I are separated and everyone is in XX", or just flat out lie to people. i dont feel to come to XX because I dont want to be an actor in some charade that you have created for explaining a situation where you and the girls are in XX and I am here. I dont want to talk to Steve so you and him can decide if i measure up enough or not. Last monday i listened to you for an hour talking about how great your time in the church is there and when I interjected a sentence about something I enjoyed you barely acknowledged what i said. Just thinking about having to get clothes and things, box and send it off because of your leaving makes huge withdrawals. And to top it all off everything i have just written about i can just hear your voice saying all of this is my fault.

This might help also.
When to Call It Quits - Part 1
In addition to this excellent article here are some excellent radio clips on this.

Please listen to these radio clips on what are the reasons for divorce.

Radio clip at 5:45 When to call it quits
Segment #2

hi bluesky. it doesn't sound like you are in recovery, and you aren't in plan b, either.

it doesn't sound like you believe your WHs a has ended? or has been rekindled?

how to plan b is here.

i have to go, but will be back later.

Also have you seen all the links in here.
How to Plan B Correctly

This is what I want to reply: ( It is late so expect run on sentences)


You told me I am making huge deposits. You continued to be angry. You never said I love you I want you back. I know from MB that feelings follow actions and so I wan't to work on doing the work (both of us) to build actions that lead to feelings of love. I want to learn to meet your needs and for me to learn to meet my needs. I want to work on our marriage...yes I want a plan for change (both of us) Nope I NEVER heard any of that out of your mouth. I Just remember ...."I took advantage of you for too long.. I knew you would always stick with me and love me....I don't love you...it is complicated....A person who loved you wouldn't treat you the way I have...I will call once a week to talk finances...I understand why you would want to do plan B" I can't read your mind all I can do is go off what I have heard from you lately.

You got the girls out of bed and tried to convince them I am THE problem. I was shocked. You were a great dad before this big FOG gobbled you up. You have not reached out to the girls to talk. I call and hand them the phone. You said yourself you have broken many promises...but that I should come back. Why should I believe what you shared with me....you did tell me you told XXX thank you for the enjoyment because you have been around long enough (church) and know what to say...

If I came back XXXX (dd) would be utterly disgusted with me. She doesn't understand why I sobbed for 30 min when we drove away. She said, " Mom you can not let 2 days of being nice erase 100 or more days of the way he treated you up til now" She loves you but doesn't understand why I can't get over you. When a bond is broken it hurts like a death of a loved one.

When the girls were little, every time I came back from visiting grandparents you were always nicer to me for a week and so happy to see me and have sex. That day I came back and you didn't care...your bond for me was broken and ever since I have been the bad guy....things were bad and got worse and worse...I just couldn't figure it out. I was so depressed. My doctor put me on anti depressants after I burst out crying at my annual exam when she asked how my marriage was. I was so blind. Somehow after our counseling with Dr Strong...after you cried, sobbed that your biggest fear was me leaving you...I was so touched. I never figured it out- why you had that fear. Every night after that we slept double spoon. I was happy my husband did love me, that he was going to trust me to flip the condos, I was seeing a light out of my depression. Things got better and better. And in 2007 you turned on me and started flipping out. Nothing made since...you called after wrecking the van but it didn't wake you up...you never took care of me as XXXX isolated me...you never went to bat for me...one day I realized I could never let someone go through the pain and crying and the misunderstanding that I was going through. I walked and walked until I ended up XXX and you called threatening to leave me if I didn't come home right now....that I embarrassed you in front of over night guest because I didn't show up. You were livid. I still didn't get it. Your care for my person has been abysmal and I never got it. I blamed it on XXXX XXXX, never on you. I am realizing you care a great deal for your integrity in front of others. And you are very upset that I have injured that. "I constantly have to tell co-workers or folks at church" You should consider more what you can tell your wife and kids and less what you tell others. Are your coworkers and folks at church really more important to you than your children? Do you care what they have seen? Early on you said you have destroyed everything and lost the girls respect. I told you that how you handle your mistake in front of the kids means more than anything else. Yes they have seen my AO. I talk to them about that and tell them that was wrong. I also realize in my depressions I did not keep up my appearance and that was wrong.

I am not in a charades. Mature friends here know but they are praying for us.

I would still like us to each to get to talk to Steve. I rather use the package towards marriage building and not this.