Hi everybody! THis is my very first post. I've been checking to see if anyone has addressed my question and I can't find anything, so here goes.

My husband and I have been married 29 years and just recently read His Needs, Her Needs on the advice of our daughter. My husband says that his Number One need is to have an attractive spouse. He maintains that I am too fat. I am 5'6" tall, 125 lbs. and recently returned from a 6-wk trek to Everest Base Camp in Nepal. While I was there, I lost a few pounds and decided to gain them back because I didn't have the stamina and strength to do the mountaineering and rock climbing I love. My husband insists that I must work out in a gym 7 days a week and follow a restricted high protein diet, or else he is justified in having an affair. He is quite fit himself but doesn't have a restricted diet, and is not willing to go to the gym with me every day after work (he works at home in his own business and goes for fitness rides whenever he wants). Finally, my husband is not willing to negotiate because he says his needs are his needs. Any advice for me? Thanks, everyone!

I think your biggest issue is abuse! Holy moly...he thinks there's justification for an affair? I would look him in the eye while shoving a ring-ding in my mouth and say, mouth full, "Try it, buster." <<<<not really, (well, no, I probably would, but that's NOT MB, lol)

Read Love Busters together. Selfish demands are those things that you demand your spouse do or suffer punishment. He could learn a lot there, eh?

Wow, momtrekker. I am gonna let the pros here give you their advice. But, I have to say that at 5'6" and athletic, you have to look pretty good. NOTHING justifies an affair. Your H is off his rocker to think so, much less say it. If that is his line of reasoning, he could very well be having an affair or wanting to. If you aren't meeting his needs, then he needs to help you understand what it is you need to do. BUT, he has to be reasonable!!! For your H to expect perfection is not fair to you if you are ok with excellence. We strive for balance, right? He should love you for all that you share, not throw that away b/c he wants you to to lose a few pounds. I am kinda at a loss here. Unbelievable.

Do you have snoops in place? A little snooping would help you here. Don't tell him anything. Just buy a voice activated recorder (VAR) for his car, hide it under the seat. Or, buy software and load it onto his phone, home computer. Knowledge is power. Have you checked your cell phone records to see if there is a number that shows repeatedly that you don't recognize, especially the ones early in the morning and late at night and when you are not around?

momtrekker, your husband is abusive and is not using this program in any sense. I would plan to separate according to the guidelines in When to Call it Quits: here

This might help also.
When to Call It Quits - Part 1
In addition to this excellent article here are some excellent radio clips on this.

Please listen to these radio clips on what are the reasons for divorce.

Radio clip at 5:45 When to call it quits
Segment #2

You appear to be in an abusive relationship. Does he dictate what foods you eat? You are obviously aware of health stats, so you know you're at a healthy weight. Have you allowed him to dictate your diet to you?

Wow.. just had to add, that I am your same height and 137. I just lost 10 pounds and 125 is my goal weight. I can't believe your husband thinks you are overweight. That is just wrong! My hubby is thrilled at how I am looking and it telling me that 125 is just fine and not to try and get back to the 112 I was in college. ( I guess I didn't realize what a string bean I was!!!) You are in an abusive relationship.

Here is a link to the Selfish Demands article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html

You can get an overview of the other LoveBusters from that link, also, in the sidebar. Is there an independent behavior issue in the marriage, as well?

Hi Everyone, Thank you so much for your input. I'm going to follow those links and read your recommendations right now. Yes, my husband has me on a high-protein diet. It is pretty boring. In addition, because of the daily workouts, I don't have time for the things I used to love, such as gardening, sewing, or reading. I haven't been doing this even a week, but I'm so tired of it already! I committed to doing what he asked for 1 month, but he hasn't changed his behavior at all.

momtrekker, my suggestion would be to STOP capitulating because that only emboldens him. Agreeing to things that make you unhappy is how you create resentment and incompatibility.

You are a grown woman, and as such, are responsible for your own decisions. If you do these things, you are no longer a victim.

Any idea why your daughter recommended HNHN vs Love Busters?

If you have read the book, are you familiar with the concept of Undivided Attention?

Do you and your husband get 15 hours a week?