My life is moving forward in some ways but in others I feel like I am in a blck hole. Or at least my mariage is in a black hole. I write ask questions that need answers about the house I get nothing. I don't know if he even gets them or he just not responding. But I will find out. I have some mail to send him and I got to send it certified and restricted HE HAS TO SIGN FOR IT. and I will be notified. The I will know the truth. But still I feel like I am sitting in this black hole I keep falling there is no bottom no sides nothing to grab hold of Just total emptiness and darkness.<P>Sometime I can't even read the post here because I jealous of any contact you guy have when I have none.<P>Yesterday my counselor said at the end of our session that she want me to be thinking about "With all the problems he has why I should even want to stay with him" She is pro marriage but she want me to have the right reasons for want him to coming home. We will talk about next Tues. I must admitted sometime I have wondered that my self. fter every thing he has done in the past and now, is it a healthy relationship? <P>I don't even see any light come through this balck hole. Of course I am really frustrated because in Aug. I was hoping I would be living with my daughter for just three months at the most. Well, three months are up and I am still here with no idea how much long I will be here. I think realistly that the earliest I could find a new position would be March. So with all this in mind and shortage of money I had to move my things out of one storage place to another. The second one is cheaper and smaller so I had to go through stuff and throw things away. I am not ready for this. But I have been doing it for the past four days. I am almost finished which is good because I have to be out of the big storage unit tomorrow. This weekend, my daughter and family will be gone, so I am going to do some rearranging. Like I said we thought three months but looking now for longer some changes have to be done. So she deciced the changes would be easier to do if the babies were around to help out. So I get to do it while she is gone. We know what wewant done so no big deal. I guess it is the idea that it has tobe done!!<BR>I am still in the balack hole but thanks for listening to me vent. One word of advice be thankful you can talk,or see your spouse, ieven if the situation is want you want it could be worse. I know!!!!<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Di,<P>I know how you feel. It's very hard when there is no communication. And, a tendency we have is to block out all the bad stuff. You know, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm not sure what to tell you. I know when I was in that position, I would try to focus on all the bad things he had done to me. This would force me into soul-searching mode where I would cognitively evaluate whether I really wanted to reconcile. What are the pros, what are the cons? Does one list far and above outweigh the other?<P>I think your counselor is right. Try to disconnect from your emotions, and write down all the reasons why you want to reconcile. Are they good reasons? Do you really feel that he will ever be capable of meeting your needs? (This one is a big one for me.)<P>As far as seeing/talking to my H, there are times where I feel an incredible lonliness even when I am with him. I feel disconnected. He is self-absorbed. I am 'walking on eggshells' in an attempt to not lovebust.<P>You are in an especially vulnerable position right now. You have suffered a tremendous amount of loss, all at the same time. It's okay to feel despair. You have every right to. Life is unfair. Sometimes it really s#$ks! A doctor said something to me yesterday, that made me think. He said, "Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom, before you can get better."<P>Just don't lose hope. Do everything possible to cling to even just one shred. Your greatest threat to recovery is loss of hope.<P>Hang in there. We are all pulling for you!

Di--<P>I'm thinking about you. I hope things start looking up for you very SOON!! I can hear how sad you feel. Try to do positive things...and things to boost your morale. A bubble bath, read a good book, treat yourself to something you like.<P>Posting here has helped me a lot; I hope it will be helpful for you too?<P>---------<BR>Laura

Hey Sidney, I just finished emailing you. Thanks for the good words. I try not to give up hope but sometimes...... I would even like for him to say don't send me anymore letter at least I would know I was bothering him of course if I really think about it this is just like him. Don't respond and it might go away. Either that or I caused so much guilt that he has withdrawn. He does that too. <P>Everything else in my life seems to have some momentum snail paces but at least it is moving except this. The one thing I really want to inch forward. AAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!<P>I do plan on making a list this weekend when it is quiet around here. Daughter and family will be gone. I'll let you know how it goes when you get back. Thanks <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi SDS -<P>I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way.......when I feel it - I refer to it as an abyss phase!! It's kind of like the earth.....<P>The plain ole' limbo phase is daytime (sun) and we can see other things that will occupy our minds just enough to make it bearable!!<P>The abyss phase is nighttime without a moon!! We can't see anything but darkness......Our minds only focus on H!<P>Though both phases stink....the abyss has made me take advantage of the "day" lmbo and I can get a lot done, thought about and gain so much strength!!<P>You will get through this, let your strength build!!! If you think about it - you should be able to tell that you have become stronger already!! <P>I know that there seem to be times when we backslide...Lord knows I have done that!! I think that adds to the strength in the longrun!!!<P>I hope that you see if he actually gets your letters.....<P>You are depending too much on his responding though!! Lower that expectation..... Sending weekly updates is only to keep you and his family in his present!!! It is not to get him to start talking to you!!!! Don't ask him questions.....ask what is truly important through a third party if you need an answer to something.<P>Keep the inclusion of H in the family activities separate from the fallout of what he is doing!! Don't put both in a letter....He will get confused and might see it as you trying to make him feel guilty or something - who knows how (or if) the brain is at full throttle for him!<P>Keep moving yourself forward...you're doing good and you need this time to get strong and start to heal in some ways.<P>Just call out when you feel the "black hole" sucking you in....we're all passing through it at one time or another..we'll grab your hand and this way none of us will get totally pulled down into it!!<P>HUGS and Prayers,<P>Sheba

Thanks Laura and Sheba, I think having to go through alot of stuff that was full of memories pushed me into this mood. I didn't couldn't do it the first time I put stuff into storage but I had to reduce the amount of stuff I put in the new storage because it was smaller. I still didn't go through everything just couldn't handle all of it yet. <P>Sidney, I really don't write about the family mainly is has been about stuff we need to do to the house inorder to sell it. That is why I need answers. Except I did ask how I could get a hold of him in case of an emergency, or that he should let his parents know how to get a hold of him. Her phone has be disconnected so no one know how to get in touch with him. I am woring on a memory picture book of the grandkids to send him but I have been afraid that he won't get it. I think the reason I have been so obsessed with him not answering is because I don't know if he is even getting anything I send. I wish there was a third party who could contact him but he won't talk to our friends if he runs into them. He cuts them, guess he is embarassed (GOOD he should be!!)<P>I keep telling myself that the time is not right for him to come back. That I have more to accomplish before he is suppose to come back. Like a job(Money),good benefits that cover pre-exsisting illness so my son will be covered (then H can quit his job without guilt or worry about our son) and a place to live(He wouldn't feel comfortable living with daughter and her family. Not after this!) When all of this is accomplished then God will send him home. Anyway that is my hope. <P>My counselor says I have come a long way already. So now like said before we are going to look at why I want him home, and that scares me a little. Because I had already began to wonder about my reasons for hanging on like are they for real or maybe just because I am use to having him around or what. I don't know yet have to figure it all out this weekend. <P>Between doing this career consultant thing and my counselor, they have been making me think a lot and as my daughtersaid it makes my brain hurt. THe career hunt is in full force. I am beginning to find out what I want to be when I grwo up. As soon as I know I'll let you all know to. Thanks again.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>