You are in a fog. But now you've got MB to help you through it.

TE beat me to it...

yes, BS in a fog as well...MB program is the way out...

(BTW -- NG is correct -- good to get on this sooner rather than later. Take it from a dope like me -- I putzed for 3 months -- 3 freakin' months!!! WTF??? But, I did it, and it worked..I'd like to have those 3 months back, though...)

BS fog is very common! We remember!

NG is right, you're doing well for your first day.

If she doesnt respond well to exposure, then it would have been hopeless anyway.

People who plan on living a lie (after doing something this horrendous) are not healthy people. A lucky few repent and come around. They are people who value truth above all else.

Exposure is her test.

And we ALL wish we had come here sooner.

This has been an often discussed topic. Dr. Harley says that the main reason for exposure it to kill the A and gain support for the BS.

In SAA Dr. Harley explains how exposure works and it's effect on the WS and in our case the OM. The book outlines the big picture from how A's start, should end, starting recovery and what it looks like to be fully recovered.

Understanding the entire plan as a whole can help you have more confidence with exposure.

Bravo for not burring your head in the sand and taking a strong stance on this. You won't regret it.

He adds that public accountability is the first step to redemption for the WS.

It's a shameful dark secret to have hurt so many. Better to clean out the wound and begin again.

As my W's aunt said to her after exposure as W was going bat shxx:

"If you hadn't done something that required BS's exposure, there would've been nothing to expose. Should've thought about that before..."

A heapful of that, and you learn who is willing to stand up for marriage.

All, took another step at lunch today. I told my Father. I knew if I did that then I wouldn't be able to chicken out with moving forward and taking control of my life. He didn't freak out. I should have known since I seem to be a carbon copy of the man without the current infidelity stuff. It felt good. I told him everything and even told him about my plan to expose the OM and my wife at their job. He said it was a good idea if I wanted to do it. He did make a suggestion. I told him about my reluctance and he said if that's the case then I should tell her I was going to do it and let the chips fall where they may. She is going to be pissed or react when she found out I did it whether I told her up front or not. So if I wanted to tell her then tell her and do it. He also stated that since the OM was the Supervisor he would be the one in the most hot water.

So onward I go. I appreciate the nudging, prodding, and kicks in the face from all of you. However it felt good to hear someone in my family actually say that life doesn't end because of this.

Don't tell her up front.

She may warn OM or go nuts on you.

It's better to stand up for yourself after the fact than to have her go nuts on you and THEN...expose it anyway right in her face. She'll take it worse.

Will do. No forwarning. thanks.

Hey man, this is what this is about. Taking control of your life. You are letting her know you'd like her to be a part of your life and the rules for that to happen. At the same time you are preparing yourself for any eventuality.

The MB playbook best prepares BOTH of you for whatever becomes the end result.

It give the BS the dignity and strength that you and I know was stripped from us by the one supposedly closest to us.

There is clear path to follow the starts with a mass exposure. Once you get through that there is a lot more.

Take this time to get yourself a checkup with the Dr. Get anti depressants or anti anxiety if you feeling iffy. The Dr here on MB suggests them if your doc feels it may help.

Excercise. Do for you. Now is the time.

NO forewarning...all SHOCK and AWE, brother...

I would imagine you composed the letter in a computer file. Start putting together a concurrent exposure e-mail to reach the list below with the original letter file to the State folks as an attachment. This e-mail is to inform the addressees of what has been going on, what you are doing to fight it, and that you would ask their help to direct WW back away from the "dark side".

The list of folks this should be sent to includes:

- her entire family (including granny)
- all her current friends
- her college friends
- any relevant co-workers (Won't they be pleased to finally understand why they have not been progressing?)
- her hairdresser, clergy, book-club colleagues, etc, etc
- all your family

Time the e-transmission to coincide with Department Director opening his mail.

Maybenot, the affair should be exposed REGARDLESS of its current status. I do believe the affair is still active, but even if it were not, it has needs to be exposed at work so one of them has a motivation to leave that job. Your family - including children - should all be told for the reasons I gave above. The things your wife says, though, are CLASSIC statements of a WW who is in an affair.

Please go forward and expose this affair everywhere. You have nothing to lose because you have already lost your marriage. This might be your only chance to save your marriage.

O
This strategy will get you our biggest bang for your buck.

Never forewarn exposure!!!!

Incredibly bad idea!

Nobody becomes repentant and shamed BEFORE exposure. Shell be furious, slander you to the targets, get her story ready and warn her lover to do the same.

Some repantant WWs have joined their spouse in doing a joint exposure or have self exposed. But the remarks your wife makes signify she's deep in the fog and needs shock and awe.

You do understand that she is supposed to be angry? After exposure? That's all part of it. You just shrug and tell her she couldn't seriously expect to lie forever. Be unshakeable and fearless.

If she isn't remorseful after that, she's a lost cause. I don't care how much she's blamed you.

Art of War: when weak appear strong

Yep.

It was probably never inactive at all.

Good job on exposing this, Maybe.

Lets hope for OP sake ML is wrong. Perhaps wishful thinking of me