Hello,
I haven't been on the board in years but I think of this place all the time. This was the place that brought be sanity by making sense of everything that was out of control at the time. Short version- WH asked for a divorce and 5 days later I found out about OW. I made a lot of mistakes before I found this board - not that it's any excuse - but to be brief I did everything wrong. My Plan A was pathetic and my Plan B was half-[censored] (I made a million excuses about this - you should do a search for my threads). In any event, my marriage did not recover. But it's okay because I did. And MB helped me a lot for that.
Infidelity is the cruelest thing. Even after the dust has settled and I've had time to heal, I can say for sure that nothing has hurt me worse. I try to direct people here when I can - when I even suspect that their problems may stem from adultery. I am still convinced I could have saved my marriage if I had acted properly and quickly enough.
I don't mourn for my marriage anymore. I am in a good place. I have a new man now. We are not married, nor will we ever be (interesting twists in Canadian death and tax laws make it better to stay this way). It's ok. WXH is still with OW and this year they celebrated the birth of their son. As much as I feared WXH having a child with someone else after I wanted a second one so badly this didn't really rattle me at all. She is 49. She'll be in her 70's and still paying for this kid's education etc. If she lives that long - she has a variety of health issues and has had numerous surgeries normally reserved for the aged. In any event, I feel very bad for the kid but I think the karma bus has parked in their garage for a while.
I feel bad for OWH who lost his job and is struggling to pay child support. He has a great family network so hopefully he'll be ok. I said I would help if I could (and I will).
I've been lucky. I haven't been laid off despite several rounds of layoffs at my work over the last few years. I doesn't mean I wont, but I could. My SO is wonderful and treats me as well as I deserve. Maybe better
! We are secure for now and we have a few backup plans if one or both of us loses our jobs. I'm proud of him (and myself). We have a good life.
My son is also a source of great pride for me. He moved back from Germany in June with his wife. She's going to grad school in BC (started this month). He's finishing up some big project at work and then he'll join her. I think he's going to actually quit his job this time but his business is getting to a point where it needs his full time attention. I'm extremely proud that he's managed to ride this recession as well as he has. I'd like to take credit but he really is a remarkable individual and that's all him. I just fed him when he was hungry!
Life does get better even after an affair. I am happier, healthier and actually wealthier (without WXH stealing from me). I still have challenges and issues but that's what life is, isn't it? I want to give hope to those of you who are in the midst of their greatest suffering right now. This is the way it is:
Could I have saved my marriage? Yes. If I had followed MB to the letter starting day one. I didn't. I made excuses. But it is so obvious now that if I had I'd still be married.
Would I have been happier if I had saved my marriage? I don't know - maybe. But I'm pretty happy now and I'm not lacking for anything. Once in a while something happens when I think "WXH would have really enjoyed this" and then I realize the only one who lost enjoyment was WXH. I can't be responsible for him and I don't need to suffer from his mistakes. Yes, he has another child - the one I wanted - but I don't want him now at 45. I'm ready for the next phase of my life and I'm ready to face it alone.
I am not alone. I have many people who love me even if WXH didn't. It didn't seem enough at the time but now it's worth more than anything. I am not alone. I am loved. I am lovable. I love. And I revel in all this love!
Life is great and every moment is precious. I wish for all of you in MB land that you have the opportunity to relish this. I know the pain of adultery and how it sucks the life out of you but you can get it back. You really can!!! And with a whole new appreciation!
You are so strong and I admire each and every one of you. I'm on your side. You are awesome - don't forget that!!! Your strength is my inspiration and the inspiration of others still to come! Don't forget that!
Sincerely,
Tabby