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Joined: May 2007
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Tabby1 Offline OP
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Hello,

I haven't been on the board in years but I think of this place all the time. This was the place that brought be sanity by making sense of everything that was out of control at the time. Short version- WH asked for a divorce and 5 days later I found out about OW. I made a lot of mistakes before I found this board - not that it's any excuse - but to be brief I did everything wrong. My Plan A was pathetic and my Plan B was half-[censored] (I made a million excuses about this - you should do a search for my threads). In any event, my marriage did not recover. But it's okay because I did. And MB helped me a lot for that.

Infidelity is the cruelest thing. Even after the dust has settled and I've had time to heal, I can say for sure that nothing has hurt me worse. I try to direct people here when I can - when I even suspect that their problems may stem from adultery. I am still convinced I could have saved my marriage if I had acted properly and quickly enough.

I don't mourn for my marriage anymore. I am in a good place. I have a new man now. We are not married, nor will we ever be (interesting twists in Canadian death and tax laws make it better to stay this way). It's ok. WXH is still with OW and this year they celebrated the birth of their son. As much as I feared WXH having a child with someone else after I wanted a second one so badly this didn't really rattle me at all. She is 49. She'll be in her 70's and still paying for this kid's education etc. If she lives that long - she has a variety of health issues and has had numerous surgeries normally reserved for the aged. In any event, I feel very bad for the kid but I think the karma bus has parked in their garage for a while.

I feel bad for OWH who lost his job and is struggling to pay child support. He has a great family network so hopefully he'll be ok. I said I would help if I could (and I will).

I've been lucky. I haven't been laid off despite several rounds of layoffs at my work over the last few years. I doesn't mean I wont, but I could. My SO is wonderful and treats me as well as I deserve. Maybe better smile! We are secure for now and we have a few backup plans if one or both of us loses our jobs. I'm proud of him (and myself). We have a good life.

My son is also a source of great pride for me. He moved back from Germany in June with his wife. She's going to grad school in BC (started this month). He's finishing up some big project at work and then he'll join her. I think he's going to actually quit his job this time but his business is getting to a point where it needs his full time attention. I'm extremely proud that he's managed to ride this recession as well as he has. I'd like to take credit but he really is a remarkable individual and that's all him. I just fed him when he was hungry!

Life does get better even after an affair. I am happier, healthier and actually wealthier (without WXH stealing from me). I still have challenges and issues but that's what life is, isn't it? I want to give hope to those of you who are in the midst of their greatest suffering right now. This is the way it is:

Could I have saved my marriage? Yes. If I had followed MB to the letter starting day one. I didn't. I made excuses. But it is so obvious now that if I had I'd still be married.

Would I have been happier if I had saved my marriage? I don't know - maybe. But I'm pretty happy now and I'm not lacking for anything. Once in a while something happens when I think "WXH would have really enjoyed this" and then I realize the only one who lost enjoyment was WXH. I can't be responsible for him and I don't need to suffer from his mistakes. Yes, he has another child - the one I wanted - but I don't want him now at 45. I'm ready for the next phase of my life and I'm ready to face it alone.

I am not alone. I have many people who love me even if WXH didn't. It didn't seem enough at the time but now it's worth more than anything. I am not alone. I am loved. I am lovable. I love. And I revel in all this love!

Life is great and every moment is precious. I wish for all of you in MB land that you have the opportunity to relish this. I know the pain of adultery and how it sucks the life out of you but you can get it back. You really can!!! And with a whole new appreciation!

You are so strong and I admire each and every one of you. I'm on your side. You are awesome - don't forget that!!! Your strength is my inspiration and the inspiration of others still to come! Don't forget that!

Sincerely,

Tabby

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
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Tabby,

Did you direct OWH to MB, I think it is helpful even if he just reads here.

A baby at 49? What a nightmare.

God Bless
Gamma

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 355
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Joined: Oct 2010
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Thanks for your story, it is inspiring as I can not wait to get to that place, Husband just filed. I want to jump and leap to get there, but I still have so much pain and resentment.
Glad you made it through the most painful experience in the world.


Me BW 43 / WH 44
2 DS 7 and 4
D day 8-2010
Asked him to leave 9-10
Exposed 11-10
FR 1-2011
Back with OW / In Plan B 2-11
False Recovery Back in Plan B 7-12
Divorced
Better Life in Progress!
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531
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Tabby1 Offline OP
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Joined: May 2007
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Mason, I know you've heard it before but it really does get better. Unfortunately it is a painfully slow process that never seems to end. But it does. Hang in there!

Gamma, I did show OWH this place way back in the day but he wasn't really a computer guy and I don't think he followed up on it. He does have a great family who supports him wholeheartedly. OW was/is a real piece of work and gave him plenty of grief during those days. I'm sure he's glad she's out of his life. He actually does all the communication regarding their DD through WXH now (i.e. his OM) because OW is such a nutjob. Bizarre.

Anyway, I still want to express my gratitude to this board for your role in bringing me to where I am now. I couldn't have done it without MB.

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
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Wow, Tabby, this is awesome. Congratulations on your successes and recovery on so many levels. I agree it is important for people who are walking through this awful experience to know there is another side of the mountain.

I have a co-worker who is walking through this right now and I'm just watching the marriage be destroyed because of her excuses to work the plans. Thank you for the reminder.

I'm so glad you are happy!


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,116
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Great update, Tabby. What life lessons we have learned during this man-made tragedy. You are indeed a survivor. It's true what they say -- we're better off being a BS than a WS. I know I can sleep at night -- and I know you can, too.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
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Tabby, it's so great to "hear" from you. What an awesome update. I count you as one of the many that helped guide me to where I am today. hug


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU

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