In my case, I am the spouse who was addicted to porn, and had affairs. I was confronted with it several times by my wife, and responded with anger, blame, resistance, etc.

The most recent time was no different, confronted in early June. Several ugly discussions later, I started hearing points from her, that hit home, and started turning.

August 12, we had a particularly ugly argument, where she stated that she didn't think there was anything we could do to save our marriage. At the time, I agreed.

Shortly after, I decided, it was time I did something different. Started church regularly, started reading, and started realizing how wrong I had been, how much porn was affecting me, how much damage I was doing.

In about a week, I did a total 180. I came clean with my history, off porn since 8/16, reading as much as I can, in therapy to ensure I fix what I need to, exercising again, figured out that I own my behavior and need to fix what was broken.

The change has done WONDERS for my feelings and attitude toward her. I now have built a new love and caring for her, that I haven't felt in 10 years.

Something changed in her though. She got mad at me in the last argument, and every nice thing, or supportive thing I do get's her madder, and she says she needs space, and can't stand to be in the room with me.

I read relationship advice, and each time I put it into practice, she pulls farther away. I keep thinking that if I keep after it long enough, she'll turn back toward me.

I found yesterday, that she is seeking to contact a lawyer.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I've been trying to leave her alone, give her space, and just do nice, supportive things at home. If she snaps at me, I just agree, don't snap back.

My instinct says, keep being nice and supportive, keep working on me, keep learning and putting relationship advice to work where I can.

Would love any thoughts!

Welcome.

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

"Being nice" after multiple incidents of infidelities will not provide just compensation to your spouse.

You mentioned how you dealt with the porn issue - what have you done in regards to the affairs? Has your wife been provided the full truth? What precautions have been taken? Has the affair(s)? been exposed to others?

And finally, what do you know about MB and surviving infidelity and the steps that must be taken?

Have you made yourself transparent?

Can she view internet history? Phone records?

Do you have accounts she cant access? Things she cant see? Locked drawers?

You may want to set up spyware/keylogger that reports your every move online to a separate account she can view.

If she can't see you've changed she will neither feel nor believe it.

Your description of 'affairs' is a little vague and contains no details.

How many OW, EAs/PAs, length of affairs, married or single women, have the been exposed etc.

If you are a serial cheat you may want to offer your spouse a full timeline of events and prove the truth of the account with a polygraph.

In June, no I didn't make myself transparent. In August, I reversed that. I now have no locked drawers, or secret accounts, have given her all my passwords, she has open access to phone and bank records.

I added parental controls to my computer, and have given her the option to change the password so I can't control that. She hasn't changed it yet.

My affairs were serial, maybe 10, one time sexual liasons. 3 of them I met twice. Some were married, some were not. Two were stage 4 adultry, others were stage 2. I have disclosed as much detail as she says she wants. Everything recent, she has a lot of detail on.

I'm new here, what are EA's/PA's?

I'm not familiar with MB steps.

I know nice isn't sufficient to give compensation. I'm very open to any change that will work that direction. For YEARs, I haven't been very nice about any of it. I resisted, locked her out, got new secret accounts, etc. I was in a very selfish spot.

So 10 different women? Who are those women? How did you meet them (are any of them coworkers?)? Internet? Bars? Prostitutes? Do you have contact with any of them to this day? Do their husbands now?

Few women would have the energy to try and save such a marriage. You have a significant hurdle to overcome. I would suggest you contact the coaching centre and immediately follow through with complete exposure, proper extraordinary precautions (ie. removing the conditions where you were meeting these women) and a polygraph.

It is unlikely you are going to save this, but if you can, you will need to do more than just tell her what happened. You're going to have to make a complete lifestyle change and that will involve making your needs known to more than just your wife.

EA is an emotional affair
PA is a physical affair

If you have been lying and cheating for years, she has zero reason to believe you now and is not wrong for wishing to separate. It is up to you to pull out full stops in order to attempt to save this - with no expectations - because it is unfair to expect her to forgive you for this.

All were PA's. Most were acquaintances (in our social circles), two were friends, one was from a bar, a couple were masseuses that I paid. I'm not maintaining contact. Last one was a friend (in June).

For the married ones, I don't know if their husbands know.

For some reason, the one in June finally got to my conscience. I have been lying for years. This breakdown came, when I decided to be open. I disclosed that affair and past lies. And your right, she doesn't seem to believe.

She is very computer savvy, and can figure out what I'm up to if she wants to look.

There is not much in common with how I found the affairs, except they all came when I was mad, and blaming her for something.

I'll pull out any stops I need to.

Right now, she does not seem to be open to hear what I'm doing to change. Whether we succeed or not, I want to pull out the stops.

At this point, I've drastically changed my lifestyle. But it has only been a month. I've confessed to my wife, my therapist, and my priest. I may need to go further.

We have both seen the same therapist at this point. Actually two. Both have told her not to trust what I say yet. And I understand.

My wife doesn't seem to want this to be open to friends and family. Should I go there anyway? Do they need details?

IT seems to me that it would be in her best interest to get a divorce. That is the smart thing to do when your spouse abuses you for years on end. I hope she gets a divorce and gets out of this abusive marriage.

Do you have kids? How long married?

3 kids. 10 years. Your right, even with change, she may have trouble living with me.

I won't fight her if she asks for divorce.

Well, since you're here, and she's not, let me give you some hints now to help you if BW decides to give your marriage a chance. Little of this has any direct interface with BW.

Write out a timeline - dates, venues, activities, for every act of infidelity. She may need it in the future.

Understand she is in the driver's seat, right now. If she wants something, do not negotiate, supply it. That may include your temporary physical removal.

Prepare to self-expose, BUT, consistent with the paragraph above, refrain until she agrees to its execution. This will be to all other spouses (expect a beating or two), all family members, your children, your congregation - EVERYBODY.

You might want to look into a Sex Addiction treatment program.

Got to go. More later.....

A Good radio clip of what Dr. Harley says it takes to recover from an affair.
Radio clip on the steps to Recover from an Affair

Excellent radio clip where Dr. H talks about what a WH should do for his wife to give him another try after his affairs. He explains it like an addict.

Radio Clip on a WH on what to do to get back with his wife 3:50 mark

Your wife has been abused and tortured by you for years. It's very difficult to get past the repeated bad behavior.

This will take her a very long time to work through, if she even decides to try.

In the meantime, it will help if you write out your list of EP's, that is the list of things you are going to do to protect your marriage/wife/kids. These rules to live by will make you the person you need to be, and hopefully who you want to be (whether you stay married or not)

My husband has an extensive list that I can post if you need ideas. Many poster here can help with theirs as well.

I would love to see your husbands list.

So far, she hasn't wanted to open this up to others. I'm open to that if she wants. She has specifically asked that I not take it to others so far.

Thanks for the other advice.

She is not asking for much at the moment. Being very quiet. That is why I'm trying to be a bit proactive. Like to know how others have succeeded, and bring that voluntarily to the table.

I am currently working through a sex addiction program with a therapist. Have been to one SAA meeting, but the therapist is seeming more effective. I may still go to SAA, to get a sponsor. Someone to check in on me.

I have copy/pasted my H's list. Add anything your wife feels is necessary to her recovery.

Make your list and leave it on the kitchen counter, or somewhere she will be sure to see it.

There are many things we did in the begining of our recovery that are not listed here. Such as, H traded cars (a skank had been in his car), H changed phone number and email. He closed his FB and we now have a joint FB. I have a GPS on his phone. NC letter to all OW.

H answered all questions that I wanted answered. H took a polygraph test. H took a second poly 1 year post D day.

He tells me where he is and where he is going throughout the work day.

We have at least 1 date night every week. UA time is a must!

POJA is always used!!!!!!

We went over the "what if's" of any attemped communication from an OW. He basically did ANYTHING that I asked that would help reassure me that he was totally "on board" with making our M work and making me feel safe.

These are the first steps in recovery. Your wife may not be interested at the moment, but I think you should still show her you are committed to the cause of being a man of integrity, even if the marriage does not recover.

EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS
EP�s are all about protecting what is cherished most in your life.
Like anything new, these boundaries may seem restrictive at first. But, with practice they will become second nature and create respect in your marriage.
I am responsible to protect my wife at all times. It is an honor to do so!
1. No riding in a vehicle alone with a woman under the age of 60.
(Your sister, mother, mother in law ect. Is fine)
2. No meals alone with a woman under the age of 60.
3. No discussion of personal matters with women. Ex. Do not seek counsel of any sort with a female, no family/marriage issues discussed.
4. I will not share my problems or concerns with another woman.
5. I will not put myself in an advice giver role with another woman, unless my wife is present and has given her prior approval.
6. I will not spend any time alone with another woman without the approval of my wife.
7. I will not share my infirmities with another woman.
8. No hugging women. Hand-shake or �side arm� hug if necessary. Unless they are elderly or family.
9. Any txt/email to/from a woman that is not business related will be seen by my wife.
10. I will change my email and phone # and any other source of communication a person from my �sin-filled � past may use.
11. If a woman from my �sin-filled� past attempts to contact me, I will not respond, and then tell my wife immediately, forwarding any txt/email to my wife.
12. If a woman flirts with me or compliments me I will bring up my wife in the conversation, (ex...�my wife loves my huge muscles too�) then immediately exit the conversation.
13. I will �cc� my wife�s email for any correspondence with a female that is not work related.
14. I will give full access of all my business records to my wife.
15. I will agree to give all passwords, account codes business and personal to my wife.
16. I will openly share my daily schedule with my wife.
17. At any time she requests, I will trade cell phones with my wife for the time she deems necessary.
18. I will delete/discard any emails/txt/pics/mementos (from my past) of any kind from any woman, other than my wife. My wife may check my desk/computer/phone at any time.
19. I will always defer to my wife regarding any outside activity and will agree to eliminate any activity she feels is interfering in our relationship or the relationships of our children.
20. My wife and I will, together, share a Face-book/Myspace ect. Account.
21. I will not play phone games/computer games, ie. Scramble, hanging w friends ect.. with women.
22. I will not engage in any cyber games. Ex. W.O.W., Runescape, Second life, ect. This is a breeding ground for a secret life and affairs.
23. No pornography of any sort including �soft� porn.
24. My wife and I will agree on all FB friends.
25. I will add to this list any boundaries that my wife deems necessary to make her feel safe in our marriage.
26. I will submit to a polygraph test any time my wife requests.

Alis,

You said earlier:
And finally, what do you know about MB and surviving infidelity and the steps that must be taken?

What does this refer to?

Please answer alis' questions.

Have you read any of the articles on this site?

I think I did answer those questions, but will again.

I've read several articles on the site. This is my second day, and there is a lot of material here. So more to go.

I have provided the full truth about affairs, to the limits she asked for. I have offered more, so far she has said no. Everything recent she has full details on. Older information was more general. And that was what she asked for.

In the past, I lied to her about older behavior. This time, I dug up all the lies I remember, and told her the truth about my past.

So far, I have confessed to her, my therapist, and my priest.

To my knowledge, the affairs have not been exposed to others. And to date, that is what she has asked for. If she asks for more exposure, I will comply. It's her ball.

I am not in contact with anyone that I had affairs with. We don't work together, or correspond in any way.

Offer and do it. Don't wait for her to ask. This is important for you, as well as your marriage;

Here. Acronyms and Abbreviations

Have you confessed to the married women's BHs?

Those betrayed husbands deserve to know.