A+O, click notify on one of your posts and ask the moderators to move your thread over to the Surviving an Affair forum. You will get good help there.

Thanks for all responses. You all were right about the affair. I feel incredibly dumb right now....but thanks. Markos, I did ask to be moved to the Surviving an Affair section as that does seem more appropriate now.
My husband and I finally talked. He said he felt it better to separate but the more we talked, the more like divorce it sounded. I point blank asked him (as my pastor whom I finally called suggested) if our marriage was salvageable with the help of Jesus and he said "No." Well, for a preacher to say that JESUS cant help�Thats it. So that is where we are.
He is avoiding anyone who might give him sound counsel- including his mom. I dont even know what I want right now myself. Where could this even go if we reconciled? We couldnt stay at that church with him as Pastor and her directing the choir... he has just gotten over a scandal from his last church that had some made up stuff mixed in with a little smoke from his actions... we have 4 children at home, WE cant afford for him to lose another church behind this craziness...
He left the house and did offer to take care of certain bills. We are to talk again in a couple days. I will read more of the suggestedd readings. Thanks again

Have... you... EXPOSED his adulterous activity?

Please read.

Exposure 101

Where did he go and have you personally verified his new living arrangement?

Is Church choir director OW married?

This is text book wayward babble. Waywards say insane things to justifiy their actions in their own minds.

Of course your marriage can be saved. I imagine a preacher would be well versed in redemption and MB can help in the rebuilding love and trust part.

Jesus turned water into wine, resurrected the dead, and his followers included former prostitutes, adulteresses, and thieves/tax cheats. That's just fogbabble talking.


Have you started Plan A yet? Dr Harley advises 3 weeks for betrayed wives for Plan A. Have you exposed yet?

He needs to get a different, non-pastoral job, and perhaps choose to attend a different church.

Do not worry about his job. It's his responsibility to get a job and provide child support for the kids he fathered, and provide spousal support to YOU because you have been sacrificing your own career options to raise the kids and support his pastoral career.

I was in the same position four years ago when my WW was a youth pastor. I chose to tell the church leadership about the divorce situation anyway. They did not change her rate of pay, but demoted her to a non-leadership position.

Expose him and the choir director to every single solitary member of the church. Expose to the higher ups in the church--the bishop or whoever is in charge.

You don't realize what a gift such an exposure list is.

The choir director is a young widow.
The first night he stayed at a pastor/friend's house. He said he was going there. I called the wife but she didnt know about it and was out to dinner but she called the next morning and said he came to their house about an hour after she and I talked and stayed all night. That was Monday. Tuesday it appears he slept in his vehicle behind our house. He called at 6 a.m. and texted he wanted to talk with our two youngest children and when i got everyone settle to go i noticed one of our middle boys staring out the patio doors into the clearing in the woods surrounding our house. It was him! He says he slept there.last night when he called to say good night to the boys, i asked him why sleep in the van? I told him you are NOT homeless. He said he would think about it and appreciated that.But I think that probably messes up the Plan. I have to reread and get a better understanding.
I HAVE exposed it to some by forwarding thistext mess to his brother, cousin, two pastor friends and a guy friend. He is avoiding them like the plague. I have decided to expose to the church leadership most likely with those two present, i think. If the leadership chooses to let the whole church know�

I am in an odd place today... a friend of mine has a father who is a pharmacist and said the cocktail of drugs he is taking could be a problem too. He recently (last 4 months) lost about 100 pounds using a program with a mix of shakes and hormone therapy. He has progesterone, testosterone....all kinds of "-ones" with some diet pills and other vitamins in the mix but he also has a diagnosis of PTSD which means hes on a cocktail from the VA of prozac and antidepressant all kinds of stuff. He recently added a diabetes pill too� My friend's dad told her I should contact his physician about this as well.
of course it doesnt change the main things...but i wanted to share that info with you all.
One of my sons in college called and he is mad with both of us. I dont even have words to say how upset tht makes me. Our other son called but he hasnt said anything to me but talked with my cousin. He is upset too. I woke up yesterday morning and one of our middle sons was sleeping on the floor in front of my door. He is 14 and doesnt do that! I was scared he sleep walked. But he said no. The babies asked where their dad was tonight and when he gets them to go for pizza tomorrow if we were all coming home? This is the stuff that REALLY hurts my heart.
He doesnt even GET how his decision has affected them. Thanks for listening.

Why rely on others to make decisions that directly impact you?

Expose to everyone that you can. Two pastor buddies won't cut it. They can bury it and it'll go nowhere.

You need to hit everyone and you have a captive audience, so to speak.

Tell your children the truth: their father is committing adultery and has chosen to leave the family. That they're upset with you tells me that they either have their heads up their asses or that you somehow glossed over something important.

Exposure needs to happen to as many people as possible in as short of a time as possible.

Do not try to change this aspect of the plan.

My oldest son and one of my middle boys were/are angey at me too. They seem to be coming around but they found out wrong. He called the middle boys in and told them without me they morning Infound the text and we had the big blow up. I left to go to work and left the youngest boys' bookbags and when ( walked in, he was in the midst of telling those two. Monday morning before school. I was enraged because I felt we needed to talk. He hadnt even said the D word to me when I was blasting him about the text. They were devastated. One was crying. One was staring off. After trying to recover it and comfort them, I asked them to go to theirrooms a minute and then I let him have it. They went and called their older brothers. So they didnt get the news any better.
they are mad at us because they felt WE were calling it quits. I have since explained to them that this was not my choice but I cant MAKE him stay. I will do the best I can but that if he chooses to continue on this path, I cant beat my head against a wall but so much or I'll be crazy.
it doesnt help that one of our key ministries is marriage. We DO marriage ministry. Workshops, retreats, etc.on a small scale. So they felt we were being hypocritical. I see their point but now they know I have tried and will try some more

But do the kids know their father is having an affair and THAT'S why he wants a D and leave?

Hi A&O, it is really important that your children know the truth about the A. Not knowing and finding out later will cause more harm. They need the truth to help them try and understand why their world has been turned upside down and why their father is acting out of character. There are many articles on the MB website that explain the importance of telling our children.

Im trying to do this plan A by being nice and basicis. He is having an attitide. He did come this morning and was there when they were getting ready but I left him at the house. He does that so he can change clothes....he e en brought his breathing machine in. So he comes a d gets a nap and dresses because his stuff is all here. He is between locations evidently so much that he wont even leave his cpap machine. Is it following Plan A to allow him to continue to leave his stuff? Or am I being a sap? It appears he doesnt have a steady place or he would leave the machine hooked up not carry it around. But if I make him get all his stuff and go whereever and change these locks, that seems to be a major lb and pushing him emotionally closer to her.
Plan B seems like I wouldnt let him since it is like total cut off. But when being "nice" in Plan A should I just let him come every morning under the pretense of seeing the boys then he stay and get dressed or stay in the house because of his flexible schedule, he could be here all day, for all I know.

Im trying to do this plan A by being nice and basicis. He is having an attitide. He did come this morning and was there when they were getting ready but I left him at the house. He does that so he can change clothes....he e en brought his breathing machine in. So he comes a d gets a nap and dresses because his stuff is all here. He is between locations evidently so much that he wont even leave his cpap machine. Is it following Plan A to allow him to continue to leave his stuff? Or am I being a sap? It appears he doesnt have a steady place or he would leave the machine hooked up not carry it around. But if I make him get all his stuff and go whereever and change these locks, that seems to be a major lb and pushing him emotionally closer to her.
Plan B seems like I wouldnt let him since it is like total cut off. But when being "nice" in Plan A should I just let him come every morning under the pretense of seeing the boys then he stay and get dressed or stay in the house because of his flexible schedule, he could be here all day, for all I know.

One of the boys knowsbecsuse he walked inwhile i was going at him about the text so he heard. so I feel he told his brothers but I will make a put it clearly.

When you expose, YOU tell everyone who is important to you and your husband and ask them for help in ending the affair. You will get much-needed support and they will all know the truth. Your H can easily make up a lie about what's going on. Let people know. Let your church leadership know, let the church know, let your family know,including your children, let your friends know, let the OW's family and friends know.

In plan A, you meet your H's needs with no expectation of having your needs meet. Dr. Harley recommends no more than three weeks for women, because this is very hard on their health, both emotional and physical. No lovebusters during Plan A. Even though exposure will make your WH angry, this is a very important step in Plan A.

So yes, during Plan A, if your H wants to come daily to change and see your children, then be pleasant and welcoming. But meanwhile be planning for the next step - - Plan B.

Plan B is designed to help YOU. It will help you protect your health and your sanity. It will help protect the love you may still have for your H, because coping with an spouse in active adultery will eventually cause you to hate him. Plan B is also designed to show your H what a life completely without you will look like.

Listen to the vets who are advising you. They have seen it all. This plan won't necessarily save your marriage, but it's your best shot. And importantly, it will help YOU.

A&O, plan a is carrot (nice) AND stick (not tolerating his affair) read here. these two things go hand and hand. you are pleasant and put your best self forward to him, but you make it clear his a must end (that's the only way he gets to keep the "nice" you - no cake and eating). and expose to ALL. please be honest with your kids asap.