I sincerely wish i had found this place a year ago. I had a discussion with my wife this morning and we are seperating. Thanks to Mr. Wondering for all of his help over the last week. I reached out to him and he gave me some very good advice and directed me to this forum. As he stated a few posts up I got my answer. I read a lot over the few days before I actually joined and in one letter Dr. Harley answered a husband asking about reconciling with his wayward wife, Dr. Harley stated that because of the time it may be too late for the marriage. Well that seems to be my situation. After our discussion I actually felt calm for the first time in a long time. I was worn out yesterday and this morning just realized that this energy I was expending on her was better spent on my kids. Talking to my father and telling him everything also helped me with this decision. For my health and sanity I just need to move on with my life and let her move on with hers.

None of you know me personally but you gave me some really great advice and I honestly do appreciate it. My problem is that I didn't find this place a year and a half ago or even 2 months ago. It WOULD have made a difference and been enough time to put in the real work to save it. I fully intended on getting my wife to come to the forums and she still may eventually but it has to be on her own. The one thing I have realized over the last year is that I can't change someone. I can push and prod but they have to do it on their own. I do plan on sticking aroud the site because there is a ton of great info here and I will be passing the book "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" on to my wife. Maybe she will read them at some point and possibly join the site. I doubt it though.

After 1.5 years I just don't have the energy to do it for both of us. In my state, you have to be seperated for a year before you can get divorced so we might as well get started so I/we can focus on our kids. If I had someone to curbstomp me towards the correct course of action last year I would be in a much better position.

I do plan to stick around on the forums and continue to read since at some point I will be in the divorced category. i dont' ahve much hope at all of reconciling with my wife if any becauase at this point I can't do the work anymore. Maybe she will finish the books and wake up but I have to move forward.

Again thanks to everyone for the advice and thanks again to Mr. Wondering for all of his help over the last week or so.

If anyone has any suggestions on readings on seperation or divorce please feel free to let me know. i will be fnishing "his Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving the Affair" for myself as well.

Stick around and keep yourself informed. I am divorcing too and the real work in becoming an MBer begins after the separation.

It's all about ending it right, having no regrets and avoiding the very common trap of becoming wayward yourself. Do NOT date anyone while still married!! Get it done properly.



We could all say that. If someone had given me a copy of HNHN on my wedding day 11 years ago, I wouldnt be here. But I am.

Have you considered working the plans for YOU? I know Dr Harley says success so far along is unlikely, but you never know. I personally really like the fact I went through Plan A and Plan B properly. I gave it my best and he failed to take me up on it. No regrets that way.

I also think presuming the worst outcome is the best mindset to have in the plans.

Why not assume you're headed for divorce but give it a low-key, might-as-well shot?

How about this for a Plan A? Be around her and visible for six months. Be a nice guy. Always there to help. A lighthouse to her storm, who is looking pretty good these days. Do some co-parenting, listen if she's having a problem. Drop the odd compliment. Then at the six month point disappear into Plan B and in your Plan B letter offer her recovery if she complies in full. She may miss the Plan Aing and go for it.

It will really, really help your healing to know you've done everything. The 'what ifs' will drive you crazy.

If you're not interested in doing the plans at all, I'd suggest going immediately into Plan B to prevent becoming her Divorce buddy, who makes her feel better about her waywardness. And dont keep her actions secret.

Like all waywards she envisages a 'fantasy divorce'. Everyone, including her old/new lover gets together for camping trips and sings kumbaya holding hands around the fire. In her mind, you take many kicks in the mouth but still love her and adore her from afar yet respect her right to run free. Yuck.

I would still do a nuclear exposure. That will be imperative to stop the mother of your children staying wayward and will also help your healing.

You're too numb to feel it now, but knowing everyone got off scot free, abusing families, spouses and workplace privileges will hurt massively when the pain begins to throb after separation.

So you couldn't bring yourself to drop the "exposure" bomb, I take it?

Too bad, but if you don't have the stomach for a fight, you're right, best to surrender early.

She can now have her "fantasy divorce" in which you swallow your self-respect and put on a brave smile while she demonstrates to your children the worthlessness of vows and promises.

You'll be okay with OM raising you children as their resident step-father, as well, in spite of all the data demonstrating the elevated risks they will endure for future physical/sexual/emotional abuse at the hands of non-bio "parents"?

(MODS! You were going to get us a heavy sarcasm button, and I don't see it yet!!!)

MMN,

You are on the verge of victory and are walking away reconsider if only for your children. Also consider that you are early in the process and since it takes about 2 years minimum and I think that is measured from the time you stumble upon MB. Without MB it takes about 5-10 years with resentment that lasts until death.

Should you divorce avoid dating anyone until it is final, you don't want to show your children that both parents have gone bad.

Please expose OM if only to deter him from doing this to other families.

God Bless
Gamma

Please don't walk away from exposure.

It is essential, not just to kill the affair, and to protect your children, but eventually, for your own healing.

MNN,

You have run the ball 90 yards from your own goal line and are on the POSOM's doorstep...

You are ready to go nuclear exposure with 1st and Goal and what do you do???... You walk off the field.

Your kids in the stands, cheering you on, "Go DAD Go!!... Fight For Us!!!! Don't you quit!!!!... We NEED YOU!!!!"...

If you'd have exhausted all your resources, I would pat you on the back and say, 'Way to go MMN. You did the best you could.' Instead you come on this forum, you listen and take with you sound advice then...you walk away at the most crucial moment for you and your kids and you quit.

Well you know something... you aren't the first person to find yourself in this position and with persons like that POSOM hounding your WW around, you won't be the last.

MMN, people here had faith in you. Faith you would knock this POS in the mouth with a nuclear blast of exposure that would have been felt coast to coast in the MB World. In 3 days you manned up, you himm hawed around, you manned up again and then you tucked your tail between your legs and lost.

Get back in the fight! Indie had great advice for Plan A. If you can live with what you have decided to do, you are a far stronger man than I. If you could find it in your heart to reconsider wiping the mat with the POSOM's vile, lurking, egotistical, wayward, lifestyle, you will find the truth will set you free and you and your kids will be much better off in the long run.

Stand up and display what real manhood looks like! The MB Crowd is cheering, your dad is watching, and your kids wait with bated breath to see if you will be a coward or a Man who went the distance for them and punched it in when it was ALL on the line.

Oh Maybe Maybe,
What have you got to lose by exposing ? Nothing. What do you have to gain ? A lot.

If your wife is still affairing with this OM, and you expose and put his feet to the fire, he will probably kick your wife to the curb. OM will want to protect himself. Your wife will become a liability to him.

Her "soulmate fantasy" will be shaken. Her seemingly perfect OM will not rescue her. In fact, he will suddenly have a change of heart, see the error of his ways, get religion, whatever.

Maybe Maybe at least try.

After exposure, after the fog lifted, my W stated to me:

"After all of this, it is so clear who fought for me, stood up for me, and who did not."


POSOM are cowards -- your W and your kids will come to understand your "once more through the breach" moment, when you were their hero.

EXPOSE.

"Boy, that was easy!" is what WW and OM are saying right now.

I'm going to stop there because I'll surely violate the TOS by saying what I really think.

Expose, expose, expose.

Right now, I look like a real man in my WW's eyes. I get to spend time with her.

OM is busy finding ways to taunt her with messages that don't violate the NC letter she sent, about open mic nights she's missing because she can't be around him, by posting them on Facebook photos where she's been tagged but that are posted by other people.

Which guy do you want to be?

I guess I should have posted earlier.

I did expose and she was pissed but okay with it. The local HR person is in her building. She said she didn't care as long as she didn't lose her job and since he was a Supervisor she thought she would be okay. She said they even already had a file on him. OMW has actually been to the building multiple times. All of this happened after our discussion this morning.

So as the day went on for the first time in a long time I actually feel okay. I didn't post sooner because I was actually productive at work. I have been telling people today including mutual friends even the guy that cuts our grass when I came home for lunch. My Dad told the rest of my immediate family so that is done as well. I spent most of the day reading up on divorce info online. I was willing to work on this for a year and after all of this and the exposure she still wants to leave then cool. I don't know if this makes any sense but I actually feel liberated and she is the sad one now. She has been sobbing most of the day but my attitude has been this is what you wanted so let's move forward. I have been seperating finances as well. Took her name off credit cards as an authorized user and will be taking her name off of my bank accounts over the weekend while she is cooperating.

Well done! Exposure feels pretty good doesn't it?

I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what she wants.

How about continuing with Plan A? Your mindset sounds good

MMN,

Way to go!

Follow the lead of the vets. Their knowledge is priceless.
Stick to the plan and remember, "A failure to plan, is a plan to fail."

Finish strong Sir! You can do this.

Bravo MMN! B-R-A-V-O!!!!

Congrats, maybemaybenot. You're a man now! Take good care of your finances.

Use the money you save to buy her sentimental gifts, if you decide you still want to do Plan A.

Stay close to your kids. Family Commitment is an EN your W probably has, and you can't lose by being the best dad you can be right now.

Could one of the veterans comment on how to run a dual Plan A/D? If I were MMN, I'd run a Plan A for the next six months, during which time you need to run the clock for separation anyway. (Don't forget to apply for child support whilst you're separated; child care is expensive!)

Oh, and I assume you're going to make her move out of the house, right? STAY AT HOME WITH YOUR KIDS!!!

Please listen to these excellent radio clips of a BH and WW living apart and what Dr. Harely advises him to do.

Radio Clip on a BH Plan Aing his WW from afar
Segment #2
Segment #3

Thanks all. It does feel good to expose and finally have some control and direction again. She is the one moving out and I am staying in the house. We spent most of last night talking about splitting up finances. Last night was the first night in a while that she actually seemed to be broken up about us. It's the first time in a few months that I actually seem to have seen my wife again. She kept saying she was sorry and she still loves me but felt there was someone better for me out there and I deserved to be happy. She said she kept having flashbacks to times when things were good between us. Some of the stuff even I had forgotten. She couldn't believe she would be in this position of getting a divorce and it wasn't what she envisioned for her life or us. More talk and lots more crying and worrying about the kids. The difference in this and previous conversations was she started this discussion on her own. It wasn't waterworks caused by me asking about our relationship.

The immediate problem that I have is she has realized that she can't afford to do what she wanted after crunching numbers. She can't build a house on her grandfathers land but she doesn't want to move back in with her grandfather either because the kids would have nowhere to stay with her.

I suggested she get an apartment instead of a house and she is still stuck on this idea of building a house. I could force the issue and kick her out but I am not sure if I should. I should get the name of the lawyer through my EAP referral at work today so I will ask that question to him/her. right now still figuring out all the stuff I will need to do like new will, insurance stuff with work, seperate cell phone. So much stuff you never think about.

Right now I just want to keep focusing on me and the kids so I will continue hitting the gym alot, regaining my focus at work, and spending time with the kids. I gave her the His Needs, Her Needs book and ordered the Surviving an Affair book to give to her as well. I still would prefer to stay married but I need her to put forth effort because on that front I am worn out. she has to reach out at some point or am I lookking at it wrong. I have been reading up on Plan A and B. I will listen to the clips this evening when I get home. I could try the plan A now that I know that I have to be in control of my emotions but now that we made this decision to seperate I have to keep moving forward with that. It's the only thing I know for sure is real right now.

The above implies that you are team working to separate the family--especially the worrying about the kids.

You shouldn't be having any conversations where you even appear to empathize with her willing destruction of your family and complete disruption of your children's lives.

Y'all aren't on the same team, in other words, and she needs to know that. Her actions caused the tears and you won't be consoling or providing any absolution for her adultery.


I would tell her that if she insists on getting a divorce and continuing the adultery then she needs to find other living arrangements. That you and the kids did not ask for any of this and will not be relocating.

Then don't lift a finger to help with her finding an apartment, getting utilities on, anything that furthers the divorce process. I'm assuming that she anticipates you will be helping her pack and move, right?

I think you're doing well by showing her the effects of a divorce as far as bills and finances are concerned, but that she just needs that little extra shove to the bottom regarding living arrangements.

Yet another poster who skipped the part about "...and stick..." of Plan A!!

Exactly when did you learn here that being a nice guy, and helping her make decisions about destroying your marriage and family, was the correct way to go?

Plan A specifies that you are "Mr. Wonderful and Supportive" in everything BUT blowing up your marriage.

But seriously, I have to give you great credit, for when she actually implied that she's doing this to (what was it?) help YOU find something better, that you didn't spit in her face!

That would have broken Plan A, NG!

Yeah, but SOOOOO worth it!

No don't help her split up the family!!!

If she wants to move out, she packs, she finances the move, she makes her bed and lies in it.

Plan A is a reasonable spouse. Not a doormat.

If she brings up any other divorce buddy conversations: "I don't talk divorce, I only talk marriage".

If she wants to cry and weep and moan, suddenly have something better to do.

EDIT: Yes you need a heavey sarcasm button. It took me a few times but I finally understood your post. I have to get thru the part of figuring out if you are calling me a dumb_ss for doing the right or wrong things before I get the message. Thank You because I think you hit me with the first 2X4 way back in the string.