Need some help. Had a one year, very emotionally intense long distance affair. Was not looking for it, it just happened. Both married 10 years+ with 2 small kids each---bad scene. We would spend 2+ hours a day emailing/talking/texting/skype. Met 3 times in person, 10 days total---the physical aspect then happened, extremely intense. Her flying 20000 miles each time to see me. Both our first affair, and we fell madly in love.

She was busted by her husband during our 3rd trip late July. Upon returning home from the trip she thought her bags would be on the porch and we would move on together. But no! Husband totally forgave her and fought diligently to keep her despite him eventually knowing EVERYTHING about our affair. She pressed on towards me anyhow despite his wishes and proclaimed she didn't love him and he decided to finally give up and leave her mid August. I was so happy. Then, 2 days later it all changed---total 360. With her husbands bags packed and him heading out the door her kids broke down, "Daddy don't leave". She couldn't follow through for the sake of the kids. Called me a few days later in a chaotic phone call with her husband listening to let me know that for her kids sake and my kids sake she needed to dump me---in the end I realized she was so right. But at the time she ripped my heart out on that call. The kicker was she said her husband hired a PI on me and had all my and my wifes info. If I ever contacted her again he would bust me and ruin me and my wife (who I wasn't quite 100% sure yet I wanted to leave).

The very next day however she sends me an email from a new "secret email account" stating that her husband was listening to the final call and she couldn't say what she wanted to---that if either of us ever divorced their spouse or died she wants to get back in contact. She also told me she will love and miss me forever and that she was so sorry. She said to not bother contacting again, it would be pointless, unless I got divorced. It was a very simple 5-6 sentence final email from the new account. I did feel much better getting it at first; even though it was succinct---it was some sort of closure. But I didn't respond, per her wishes and because I was so upset and devastated at what just happened. 5 days later she sent another email, an odd one with just a link to an online forum. It basically stated in the forum that she was moving on with her husband. Um, ok, I already knew that. I didn't reply to that email either although I wanted to---I thought what she did was unnecessary and cold. My friends said she was fishing for communication.

Now it's been almost a month. No more contact from her. I have went through all the phases of getting over her; I am well on my way--- but one thing has really bothered me.....My thing is I never got any closure with her. There were a lot of things I wanted to say that I didn't get a chance to--all nice things. The last chaotic phone call when she dumped me she did all the talking (her husband must have scripted out what to say it was so unlike her) we were both crying and I only got to say 1 or 2 things I wanted to before she hung up. And I never replied to those 2 emails she sent afterwards to say what I wanted to say. At the time I was too scared to (in fear her husband would bust me if I replied by by contacting my wife) and I was also too upset and angry---any reply by me would have been very angry anyhow and pointless.

A month later, I'm in a better space now with it all---back with my wife, kids, all re-invested in them. It's wonderful---as of now I am thinking this affair is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. It saved my kids and marriage. I now realize how dumb I was. And the reserch I did afterwards affairs with 2 married couples was mind blowing---once married roughly 4-5% ended up lasting past 2 years. And ours was super long distance, probably lessening the odds. I'm thinking I would have been part of that statistic. But I really want to close out that affair now. I have written a very nice and kind closure email to her, clearly stating this is no attempt to open up communication and to not reply to it. It thanks her for many things, including ending our relationship for the best interest of our families , all she did for our relationship, no hard feelings, best wishes for the future, etc. That's just the type of person I am, nice, and she was too. And I just want her to know I am not angry at her and I want to thank her for ending us.

I so want to send it but I ask myself 2 questions---one of which is if I do, do I risk the possibility that her husband now knows about the "secret email address" and will he see the email and bust me and two---does this woman who dumped me and tore my heart out deserve a nice email like that? After all, nothing is stopping her from sending me a nice one yet. But I know she has made commitments to her husband not to.

So, what do you think? Send it to get closure or just let it go? My friends are 50/50 on it. Some say they know me so well (I'm such a good hearted person) that I may never be able to move on without sending this thing. Others say it's too risky, to not stir anything up or risk her husband finding out, and to just let it go. Others say that the type of email i am sending is so harmless that even if her husband knew about it he might not care---it confirms I've moved on. Please let me know your thoughts....

Threshold,

No. Never see or talk to this woman again. She and you have perpertrated the worst thing that can ever happen to a spouse on your wife and the OW's husband.

This post is all about you and getting that high feeling you get from the affair.

Does your wife know about your affair?

Please notify the mods and ask to have your post moved to the surviving an affair forum. There is nothing in this post that indicates recovery.

AM

Threshold,

If I read correctly, your betrayed wife, BW, knows nothing.

Confess immediately otherwise your affair will never end and you will remain fogged out for a long time. This will also end the hell of living in fear that you have created for yourself. Your recovery will not begin until you do.

Also doing so will allow you to inform this poor BH, betrayed husband, that his WW is still in love with you. It's cruel that you allow this BH to live in a loveless marriage.

God Bless
Gamma

Have you told your wife about your affair?

Dude, this is NOT a recovery thread for your own selfish personal recovery after your own selfish affair. It is a recovery thread for MARITAL RECOVERY. There is not marital recovery from this A because, your poor undeserving wife doesn't even know about it!

Move this to Surviving an Affair.

Then tell your wife. It will pull the rug out from under her feet and devastate her, but at least she will have the TRUTH and you can, if she is willing, try to begin the process of defogging yourself and move toward a true recovery.

OK thanks--- I apologize I will notify mods.

Surely you are joking?

I'm confused. Are you actually asking people here how to continue to deceive your wife and children?

Good grief, who cares if you get "closure" with some skank! What about your victim, your wife? What about her?

If your such a "good-hearted" guy, ask your wife and kids their opinion.

Threshold,
Seems to me you are more interested in self-preservation than in telling the truth about your life.

Who cares who dumped whom ? Who cares who got the last word ? If you are so nice and good-hearted, then go tell the truth like a real MAN.

And the statement "having an affair is the best thing that could have happened to me. It saved my marriage and kids". That is CRAZY talk. The affair is the worst thing that could have happened to you and to this other woman.

What does your wife have to say about all of this?

Oh. Wait. I'll bet you didn't tell her because you are such a good guy, so you'll 'protect' her from the dangerous man who lives in her house - YOU.

You are dangerous to a woman who trusts you. Let her know so she can decide if she wants to deal with you.

That is IF you are serious about staying with your wife and building a healthy marriage. ARE YOU?

Threshold, speaking to you as a man who was in a full-blown affair, I'm here to tell you, you think you see things clearly now, and yet you can't even see your hand in front of your face.

I'm not yellin' at ya here, but whispering to you as a friend might do, over coffee or something. You might be wise to listen up & maybe learn a thing or two... I'll give it to you straight from the perspective of someone who's been in your shoes. So listen up:

If you were invested in your marriage, you'd start by rebuilding a foundation of honesty -- retrospective as well as going forward -- with your wife. That, my friend, is the only thing that will save your marriage & make it worth saving. You are not actually "invested" in your marriage right now. Rather than thinking about your wife, you are spending your time absorbed in self-pity over the fact of your affair and the way it ended. So don't stand there and tell me you're "invested." That's B.S., and I can smell it a mile away, because there was a time when I was pretty full of B.S. myself.

And your comment that you weren't looking for your affair, but that "it just happened" ? You'll be on the road to recovering your marriage & rebuilding it better than what you had before, once you start owning your stuff. I understand the feeling like you didn't start out looking for an affair, and that maybe the wrong person crossed your path at the wrong time. I've been there. However, the period of time for which that description remains accurate is incredibly brief. From your very first conversation with that woman, you were presented with choices to make. Maybe they seemed like small, innocuous choices, at first. But you made certain choices. And once you started spending hours e-mailing, talking, etc., that wasn't "just happening", my friend -- rather, you were were choosing to allow it to happen. You chose your conduct. No one had a gun to your head. You & she each made lengthy sequences of choices at each step of the way along the path you took. You chose at each step to keep your options open for the next step. And as forethought set in & you began to see where it could be heading, you still continued to make those choices. So: Start owning your choices. Don't ever say again that "It just happened." Because that, my friend, would be lying to yourself, and we actually respect you as a human being, so we don't let it slide here.

If you really want to find out how to save your marriage, you can ask me about it, as specifically as you like, and I'll never do you the disservice of telling you anything other than the straight scoop. (And I don't get a penny for doing so.)

Oh, and your self-pity about this "woman who dumped you"? If you ever get out of the fog, you'll marvel at just how self-absorbed a thing that was to say on your part. The person deserving of your pity right now is not the one in your mirror. You know who that person is, and I don't think you're respecting her very well right now. When are you gonna start respecting her enough to allow her to make decisions based on the full truth? What does she think of your draft letter to your mistress? Shouldn't you be asking her views? 'Cuz you're "invested" in her, right? You said so yourself...

Step 1. Confess everything to your wife. You also need to confess to your close friends and family. And any friends that knew about this affair are toxic to you as a person and your marriage.

Step 2. Read Surviving an Affair by Dr Bill Harley and FOLLOW IT.

Be a man and start doing the right things. You need to stop having such loose boundaries around the opposit sex. Start improving yourself and be the moral leader your wife and kids need.

You need to let the OW's H know how you violated their lives, as well. You've violated their marriage and their family.

So I am going to assume you're not a weasel; I'm going to assume that you are a standup guy who will claim his actions. Assuming that, I ask: what did OWH say when you told him? What did your parents say, when you explained the reason for your infidelity? More important: what did your wife and kids say? After all, this was a "great" thing for your marriage, right? What did all the important people in your life say about this?

Still thinking it's the most wonderful thing that could have happened for your marriage?

MaritalBliss is right, Threshold.

How you & your wife respond to your affair from this point forward might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to your marriage. Might. Possibly.
If you make the correct choices.
If you start extending your wife at least the minimal, requisite, baseline respect of merely being honest with her.
If you return to being a person of integrity someday, such that you feel nothing except horror & revulsion at the thought that you intervened, in the way you did, in the marriage of another man, a perfect stranger, who had never done you any wrong, and that you then perpetrated a coverup (which it seems you're still perpetrating) of what you had done.

But the affair itself? Anytime you see that as anything other than as the very worst thing that has ever happened to your marriage, then you're just not seeing straight, my friend.

If you save your marriage, it will be in spite of your affair, not because of it. Please consider this carefully. The rest of your life is very much in the balance.

Threshold,
I tossed and turned last night thinking of your situation. It reminded me of myself months ago, and Glove Oil said the same things to me. He is right.

Affairs don't have happy endings. However, if you tell the truth you can start healing. I know you are hurting from a self-inflicted wound, and you are running from facing the cold hard truth. Truth heals.

No contact with the other woman is love for everyone. You don't want the other woman to think you are a jerk, but the truth is you acted like a jerk. You treated your wife badly (and you treated OW badly) .

Tell the truth. It is what is best and right for everyone, including you.