Does your local paper have an entertainment section, KISS?

I know ours does. It includes several cheap (if not free) activities going on throughout the week. Our town has about 100k people, so it's not like it's a big-city only thing.

Some things that we have;

Stand up comics
Assorted dances and dance classes
Winery tours
Auctions and dinners
Mystery dinners
Movies in the park (summer time)
Poetry readings
Art galleries
Concerts


The majority of these things are actually on weeknights.

My wife and I have also just drove to the top of the mountain passes in the middle of the night for no other reason than to... drive to the top of a mountain pass in the middle of the night (what you do when you get there is up to you and yours!).



The fact of the matter here is, KISS, that you have to get off your kiester and put your marriage up front. If you do not, your wife is going to leave you.

That's not a threat. It's the reality of having a broken marriage, and introducing infidelity as the turd-cherry on a crap sundae, buddy.


If there is a good man inside you, then your moping and inaction may be due to having to look at your collection of failures.


Let me tell you, sir, that the best of men have their own collection of failures.

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan


You, sir, can either lay in the mud, moping about your failures... or you can pick yourself up, get out there, and SUCCEED. You have the plan. You have a coach, and peers to support your marriage.


What are you going to do with it?

Have you read these?
Extraordinary Precautions
Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

I do understand the importance of UA time I have gone and taken a five day weekend in the end of september so the wife and I can go way. We are looking at going to Canada. Niagra Falls is about 6 and a half hours away.

On one of the links for UA time it goes through how to ideas it went through best ideas to schedule UA time. It goes through writting out your schedule for the week as far as work. Then writting out your UA time. Then putting everything else around it. This idea does help.

Scheduling a vacation to Niagara Falls is wonderful. It will allow some time together. But you still must plan what you'll be doing during that time. What are you going to do for the long drive? Books on CD? Music? Set up some conversations? Plan it out!

I do NOT think you are understanding UA time though.

Here is a link to Dr. Harley's explanation of "The Policy Of Undivided Attention" ---> LINK

Please read it all.

And another thing;

The most important things for you to be doing, IMVHO they are in an order that is important to follow.

1) No Contact with OW

2) Extraordinary Precautions - Read the thread linked a few days ago on EP's & write out a comprehensive list and post it ASAP

3) STUDY the books, "His Needs, Her Needs" & "Love Busters"

4) Identify Your wife's top 5 needs - in order of importance.

5) Identify 10 ways your wife likes each need met and start doing some of those things daily. Ask your wife for feedback once a week in regards to how you are doing with meeting those needs.

6) Schedule UA time every week. Between 20-30 hours alone with your wife EVERY WEEK.

7) Learn the top 5 ways your wife prefers to be soothed during triggers. This is not the same as meeting her EN's - This is part of helping to heal the wounds of your infidelity.

8) Learn how to share the details of your day - Who you talked to, what was discussed, what you did... DETAILS!


This is important!

These are the basic steps necessary for your marriage to recover.

Being interactive on a forum requires participation from you on a regular basis, OK.

What steps do you need help with??

Working on trying to read papa bears threads. Deffinity good info. I have been trying to spend as much time with the wife alone when ever possible. I went to her job and drove with her to her counciling session just so we had time together. It's a 45 minute drive about. Then coming home she left her car at her work place so that drive home is about an hour and 10 minutes. The next morning I took her to work and left my car and took hers for an oil change. Witch lead to four new tires and $600 later. I also cleaned it out. OMG the kids and her had so much crap in their as I removed four bags of STUFF! I also vacuumed it out. It was well over due.
We still have issues with someone too watch the kids as we took advantage of my step daughter watching the kids last night when we went to friendly's after my wife's counciling session and she wasn't happy with us when we got home. We told her we would be home around 7:30 and we got back around 8:30.
My wife is taking my step daughter to a 5k race she is running in about 2 hours away on friday night. They are staying over as the race is Saturday. My wife wants me to go with them but we have no one to watch the kids.
still struggling to get time together!

KISS

Some good stuff kiss.

On #5 of what HPB suggested.

Have you asked RQ for feedback? What has she said?

Can you get any UA time at home? Are the kids old enough to entertain themselves for a bit?

We do go through the emotional needs questioniare every couple of months. But deffinity need to visit that more often. I have noticed that her needs I was lower in the first time the next time we did it they were higher but the things I was high in dropped. More constant feedback would help keep a more constant focus on all of her top emotional needs.

We do get some UA time at home We are planning on playing a game in our room tonight with some wine and talk about our plans of buying a house in Florida. Our daughter just turned 8, our son is 6 and my step daughter is 17. The kids are pretty good with keeping busy as long as they don't get to close to each other!! lol

Having a lot of issues. Rocketqueen says she is done. I have been frustrated by her the last month. I haven't brought up the lack of her meeting my emotional needs as she has become distant and emotionally disconnected from me again. I feel that she will always be this way. She asked me if she was meeting my emotional need for sex a couple of days ago. I didn't want to tell her no so I told her she was and that she is incredable. When we went through the emotional needs questionairre I put down I need physical interaction 4-5 times a week she said that she would 3 times a week. It has been 4 times in just about a month and a half.

Also she has been very seperated from me in the same time frame when I come home she is disappointing. I come home very excited to see her and I get that cold no aknowledgement treatment that I have become so acustom to the last couple of years. This drives me insane. I said something a couple of days ago and she said that I should grow up. I love my wife but I'm so lost. She keeps talking about "following the program" and she likes to pick and choose what is right or what should be important. Dr. Harley said in one of my appointments how important it is for my wife to talk to him and be part of the counceling sessions because people get that I know the program kind of thought process. She doesn't think she is the one needing help but it is crucial.

KISS

Your taker is taking over, you haven't been honest with her when she asked you an honest question, And you are doing the things you would want done for you, rather than focusing on what she wants. Sounds like there are clear reasons why it isn't working. So, are you committed to radical honesty and need meeting, keeping your taker in check? Maybe if you offer/request redoing the EN questionnaire it would help you both get on track?

Hey, kiss.

So does it boil down to you getting frustrated that your, um, "needs" aren't being met and you, in turn, don't feel like doing anything for your wife?

Assuming that the answer is yes, what would you say if someone said "Why should she have sex with me?"

It is true that both parties need to be working the program for genuine recovery to occur.

What I get from reading both your posts and RQ's is that RQ has been reluctant to go all in on recovery for several key reasons: (1) You've never offered real just compensation for the affair. She never saw the remorseful, hat in hand - I'll do anything to make this up to you, for as long as it takes attitude that a BW needs from her WH. (2) Or really 1A, you never took the reins and lead recovery like she needed you to do in order to demonstrate the repentance mindset of #1.

I mentioned some time ago this mindset on your thread but you never responded.

It's important to keep in mind that while MB is all about BOTH parties meeting needs, etc... it is up to the FWS to give just compensation before the real work can begin.

It's been my experience, both IRL and on the forums, that mistakes in recovery are much easier rectified when that mindset is there and the FBW knows it!

For the near future I would encourage you to dive into meeting as many of her needs with no expectation of havin yours met.

I understand sex drive. I have a high sex drive and was in a basically sexless marriage. But I have learned something along the way. There is a saying, men spell sex s-e-x. Women spell sex t-a-l-k.
I have read books on this subject and women are much more receptive to sex when their emotional needs are being met. It's the way they are wired.

But let's face it. You can go without sex and try to meet emotional needs and win your wife's heart back. There are monks and soldiers and cripples in hospitals that haven't had sex for years so I'm confident you can do it for a few months if needed

Now if you absolutely can't live without sex for a few weeks then that another matter that needs addressed.
I dealt with that myself when my marriage turned sexless

I object!

Only the first steps of just compensation are included before recovery ("the real work") begins. Extraordinary Precautions (including confession to exposure targets) and Transparency are given, and Recovery - creating an interdependent, romantic marriage - is a PART of Just Compensation.

In this mindset, Just Compensation is only met when; Extraordinary Precautions and Transparency are upheld, AND an interdependent, romantic marriage is MAINTAINED.




Kiss,


I told you once, I'll tell you again; your wife is going to leave you if you don't up your damn game. She had license to leave the marriage before when you were a negligent husband. You gave her even more with every adulterous boundary you crossed, and you have done very little to convince her that she should stay.

Your wife is going to LEAVE YOU. Friends of fine feathers and beaks will support her.

YOUR CONSISTENT ACTION FROM NOW UNTIL DEATH MUST BE CONVINCING OF OTHERWISE, OR YOU HAVE NO DAMN GROUND TO STAND ON.


Quit your freaking moping, get off of your poopchute, and get to work, or say goodbye to your wife, dude.

Time to quit feeling sorry for yourself for the freaking mess YOU made of your life, and clean it the hell up!

kiss,

It's been zero times in five months over here. Asking for this need of mine to be met right now would be a gigantic Love Buster.

SAA advises staying in Plan A for 3 - 6 months for a husband. During this time, expect to get ZERO of your emotional needs met. Dr Harley advises this because men can handle 3 - 6 months without all of their top ENs being met.

If you want your ENs to be met, the proper path is to meet your spouse's ENs to the best of your ability. Eventually your spouse will fall in love with you, and won't be able to help but meet your ENs.

Don't short-circuit the process and do NOT make selfish demands to get your needs met in the short term.

OK..so, I used the terms more loosely but I agree. I need to be more mindful of my wording, even when I'm in a hurry.

What I was referring to specifically was that Kiss did not offer up just compensation enough for RQ to fully jump into the waters of recovery with both feet. There MUST be enough reason for the BS to do so. In the case of a WH and BW, Dr. H. says that the WH must be fully remorseful - hat in hand attitude - willing to do whatever/however long. This was not Kiss' mindset in wanting to make it up to RQ. He wouldn't even apologize to her family, for instance - knowing she wanted him to.

There has not been a lot of evidence to support Kiss' remorse being that he has not been leading recovery efforts. RQ needed to see that before she was going to go all in herself.

Of course Just Compensation continues into recovery and beyond... The point was, there has to be enough just compensation for the BS to be willing to begin the hard work and the WS to continue providing Just Compensation.

It is slightly different, according to Dr. H, in terms of mindset as to whether the WS was the husband or the wife. He maintains that you may not see the level of remorse in a WW as opposed to a WH but a BW needs to see the "whatever it takes, however long it takes" attitude in a WH to begin recovery.

Something kiss may want to remember is that the timeline for Plan A for a betrayed wife is 3 weeks.

For a betrayed husband, it's 3 - 6 months.

In other words, wayward husbands need to get their act together FAST if they don't want to be on the receiving end of Plan B.

And if it's been dragging on for ages (seems like at least forever, and I'm not even the one who's been dealing with it), the BS's $LB is bound to be bone-dry. Maybe even seriously in the red. It's hard to give an adequate sense of urgency through the computer, but this situation has been urgent for months.

I'm still waiting to see overwhelming action. There's nothing that I would like better than to see this recovery finally get off the ground, and this marriage to succeed.