Does anyone have any advice for me, any suggestions? My husband tells me that he's no longer in love with me, and he is no longer sure that he even wants to work on the marriage. He says that the only reason he will even consider staying is for the children. He says he thinks his life will be better without me. I've been trying everything I can think of - showing him more affection, doing so much to show him that I love him, telling him I love him and I want our marriage to work. I'm prepared to do whatever it takes. He swears that he's not having an affair and has not fallen in love with another woman. This weekend he is going away to clear his head, and he may well come back and ask for a divorce.

We've been together for 12 years and this completely breaks my heart. I love him and do not want to lose my family. Prior to this our marriage was solid and I was completely blindsided by his revelation. I look back and see our marriage as happy, with the ups and downs of the struggles everyone has. But now suddenly he's saying that our marriage has been awful - this comes out of nowhere - and that it's only been declining for years. He never said a word before he came out and told me he no longer loves me! I've tried to talk to him but he doesn't talk. I've said we should go to counseling, we should try to save this for the children if for nothing else. But he refuses to go. He hasn't been himself lately, but all he will say is that it's because he's so miserable with me.

Where does that leave me? I cannot keep him in a marriage if he doesn't want to stay. But I love him and want to save my marriage more than anything. Any thoughts anyone might have for me are very much appreciated. Thank you.

If it is a complete shock then he may be having an affair.

I encourage you to read the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Bill Harley. You can find it on Amazon or local bookstore.
So you listen to the Marriage Builder radio show? If not you can listen online by clicking on the homepage and listen to cases similar to yours

Have you checked his email, phone and text records?
Does he work with the opposite sex?
Where is he going this weekend?

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Where is he going this weekend to clear his head? I think he is having an affair and is going to meet the other woman? Have you checked his phone/email?

I would hit notify and move this to the SAA board.

I admit that an affair is the first thing that comes to everyone's mind, that if he is not already seeing someone then he is in love with someone else. And he acted very strangely about this trip: he wouldn't book it at home, but insisted on doing it from the office. Of course all of these things set off alarm bells for me. But he promises me that this is not the case, that there is no third party in this. I hope this is not something that I will regret saying - that it doesn't sound terribly foolish later, should something come to light. But I believe him. He is going to the woods for a few days to clear his head. Everyone around us thinks that he is having a midlife crisis, and displacing his deep discontent with his life on our marriage. I have no idea. But I am so terrified that he will come home from the weekend wanting a divorce: it would devastate me, both the loss of him and of the family we have created together. I have tried to talked with him, I've tried pleading with him, I've tried pointing out to him how strange this is: after so long, suddenly everything is miserable and he wants out of the marriage, he no longer loves me? It is a terrible position to be in, both experiencing the loss of love and being the one begging for the chance to regain it. It is the worst thing I've ever been through.

Anyways, thanks for your comments and advice. It is so helpful to have other voices to help me think this through. I am such a mess right now.

Z, think about what you've just said. If he were having an affair, would he just answer you "yes, I am having an affair"? Have you ever heard that people having affairs lie to their spouse about what they are doing?

Get a private investigator to follow him on the trip. He/she will have the evidence you need in minutes, I think.

Let me explain something. When someone has an affair they become liars.
It doesn't matter if they are the President (Bill Clinton "I never had sex with that woman"; a preacher named Jimmy Swaggert or your husband). They become expert liars. And they usually drag along their enabling spouse.
There is no such thing as a midlife crisis. You can research that. It actually just an American term.
There are such things as affairs.
You have a choice. You can bury your head in the Sand and believe everything he says or you can judge based on his actions.

Have you read his emails? His text messages? Facebook? Phone records?