Let's do the math:


Your affair lasted approximately one year. That's roughly 730 + hours you might have spent with your family.
Roughly equivalent to 30 days.
Not counting the time you met face to face.




Whatever left unspoken during 730+ hours of secret conversation does not warrent risking your family again.

Those were stolen hours.
Hours your children or your wife needed you.

Are you finished stealing?

Do you think your wife is more likely to divorce you if you confess this to her and offer to do whatever you can to give her just compensation, exraordinary precautions and boundaries to live by, a PLAN for recovery? Or if the OW's BH gives her a call up? You realize that if he was to come on these boards, that is exactly what we would advise him to do! Why? Because she is a victim of a crime, and letting her know that is the right thing to do.

You are in mourning over your beloved OW. But do you realize that this OW is the perpetrator of the crime against your wife? Someone once said on a thread, and I applied this to my own situation when thinking about my own OM and my BH, that it was the equivalant of watching someone beat your spouse to a pulp in a dark alley, beat them until they were writhing on the ground in pain, and not only to watch it but assist in the beating, and leave with the perpetrator arm in arm with a smile on your face.

OK maybe they didn't say it quite like that, but that's what I envision. Makes me SICK to think of some low life loser beating my husband in a dark alley, makes me want to go to his DEFENSE not have sex with the low life loser.

Your OW has committed a crime against your wife and family, the sooner you realize what a low life loser SHE is, the sooner you can see what the right thing to do is.

I could have written nearly the exact same paragraph about my FWW.

You realize in OW you have a woman who has stolen time from her husband, her children, money from her family finances to finance across the globe trips to see you, has lied, deceived, and even after being caught has lied and deceived to open up more secret accounts and continue contact with you.

Compared to your wife who is a wonderful wife and mother, according to your own confession.

There is no comparison. And you don't get to choose, because that is not your right. But I am hoping that you can start seeing your OW for what she is.

I know a few wayward women, and I have myself been one. One thing you can be 100% sure of is that THEY LIE. Are you one of those people who thinks as the AP, she lied to everyone BUT YOU? First affair? How do you know, because your lying deceiving adulterous girlfriend told you? You only know about this woman what she chose to share with you. The only thing you know for sure about her is that she is a liar. This, is what you almost left your family for. This, is what you have exposed your family too!

So accurate and so profane..

Any WS with a soul should weep when they read this.

Please read.
To the Unfaithful Lurker's a Gift

20, I think you are trying to say that this was good, and I thank you for that, but...profane? Please tell me you meant "profound"!

Threshold, Sir,
I am weeping over your situation. I weep because this was me.
I weep because I can NEVER feel the degree of pain I caused my wife (Legtx1) the way she felt it and to this day still does. Not even close!

I weep because of the fact that I am SO blessed to have a wife who, despite telling me the same things your BW has told you, "You cheat on me, and I am gone!", I can sit here today and tell you our marriage has flourished into one that is beyond my wildest imagination.

Please hear what I am about to tell you... as you entertain the thought of holding off telling your betrayed spouse (BS) the whole truth about your wayward behavior, you need to consider the following; she deserves to know the type of person she is married to. She has the right to begin her recovery from a traumatic situation which some have said is like losing a child ASAP. I wish I could tell you it will all boil over after you tell her. It will not.

When your BS goes off on you and doubles over in the fetal position from sheer dispair, be there. When she yells "How the F&*% could you do this to me!?" You be there. When she turns into what appears to be a demon you never knew, you take it like a man. Don't lift a hand, don't defend, do not so much as raise your voice. You just take it like the piece of scum you have become and let her go off.

Your actions will speak far louder than any words that come out of your mouth at this point. You are fogged out meaning your thought process is not near where it should be.

You have a mountain to climb at a snails pace. Tell her the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, SO HELP YOU GOD!

She deserves it. Your kids deserve it. It will be hard but I guarantee you it will set you free and if you are as fortunately blessed as I have been after several d-days, you too may one day be able to weep for the pain you have caused but also for the restoration of your marriage because YOU chose to do the right thing and be the man you were called to be.
Now go do what real men do, Honor your wife, and someday perhaps help her to feel secure in her marriage.

Yes. Do this as a kindness to your wife. Let her know that he knew and encouraged your waywardness.

My FWH had a friend who knew about the affair. He supported my H in dodging the OWH, who was coming after him.

We've cut him off entirely. He is of no value to us.

Dang, I just love it when Pep shows up! I hope you're doing well, friend!

Okay, back to the thread - sorry for the t/j.

It's a pretty simple thing, really, when you boil it down. You have an agreement of fidelity with a woman. You breeched that. You don't need to pay money to someone to 'counsel' you. What counselling are you looking for?? You KNOW what you need to do. You know you need to go to your wife and tell her about this terrible act against her, your marriage and your children.

You don't need a penny to do that. And the resources here are free.

You just need to DO IT. You won't be free until you do.

It is not in your childrens best interest for you to trick their mother into staying married to you. You have no right to deny your wife her own decisions about her own life. You forfeited any claim to be the determiner of anyone's best interest when you betrayed your entire family with your adultery. The rapist is not qualified to decide what is best for his rape victim; oh no, you are the LAST person who is qualified.

Your wife and your children have a right to know the truth about their own lives so they can protect themselves from you. If your wife decides to stay married to you, that is HER prerogative, not yours.

To not tell her is cruel and manipulative and will prevent you from ever making amends for your crime.

Honesty has the be the first step. More lies only serves to compound the crime. Tell your wife and your kids what you have done to them.

You are a dangerous man.

Your plan is about as evil as it gets. To plan and plot to TRICK and MANIPULATE your wife into staying married to you under false pretenses. To treat her no better than a pet on a leash so you can protect your own selfish interests at her expense. That is cruel, evil and manipulative.

You will end up alone and ruined if you don't change your cruel, selfish and manipulative ways.

This is cowardly behavior. I don't want to be mean, but CUT IT OUT. You are protecting your own butt and disrespecting your family. Your behavior is selfish - like your affair. Time to lose the selfishness, my friend. Your wife deserves better than your selfish behavior.

If it helps any, my H and I agreed when we married that the marriage would be over if one of us were to stray.

Here we are, almost four years later, in complete recovery.

I would also get STD testing, because if your OW was shagging you, she was likely shagging others. There is no telling what kind of diseases she is carrying. Your wife needs to know what filthy diseases you have passed onto her.

.

haha.. Yes. Profound. Sometimes the spell check on my iPhone inserts words I didn't mean to type!

Thanks unwritten. No I would not hold anything back--- it would be the whole truth. If I'm going to do it I might as well do it right. And thanks to those who pointed out counceling for me was a waste. It is, and I can do that after I tell her, together with her.

I also want to thank glove oilfor his informative posts from the other day. They were very helpful and thanks for not yelling at me.

As for the STD test, yes, I think that would be one of BWs first questions in her head. I would like to have that info for her when I let her know the truth.

Anyone have any best practices for what to try to say to somehow make my confession coherent and less painful for BW? I know it has to come from the heart and it will but if anyone has anything that might help here I would appreciate it.

Also, I know no time is good to tell her but we have the kids 24/7 when we are together and I don't want to drop the bomb with them around. We do have an alone 3 day getaway planned in roughly 3 weeks. I know I will probably get yelled at by all here because that's waiting too long but at least we would be alone and by then I would have the test results in hand for her. I just want to try to lessen the blow for my wife as much as possible on this. And be somewhat prepared. I've already waited a year to tell her; are 3 more weeks going to be the end of the world?

Again I appreciate everyones feedback the past few days. All the time you have taken to help me. This has been very theraputic and eye opening for me.

I'd just like to point out that your tests results are no use to her. You could have passed on a virus that you do not test positive for.

Apart from all the other reasons people have given you, your wife needs to know about this affair so that SHE can be tested herself.

I have a suspicion that if you test negative, you will decide that you don't need to tell her. Well, this isn't true.

Threshold,

Do not wait for the planned get-away. Tell your wife at your home and tell her today. Difficult news is like dead fish. It doesn't get any better with age and every MINUTE you continue your lie has a negative effect on your marriage.

I concur about the test results. Your wife will want to have her own test. Your presenting a negative test along with the "Dear, I have some bad news for you" talk seems offensive to me.

How old are your children? Children over the age of four should be told what has happened. Children know when things are not right and they need to know why.

AM

I would not wait to tell her on your 3 day trip because she may choose not to go. What if she decides to leave the marriage? It would be very uncomfortable to hear this news when you are out of town and away from your familiar surroundings and your usual sources of support.

You can drive her out to a local park and tell her in the car. And if she does decide to stay with you, the 3 day trip can be the first step in recovering your marriage. If not, she can choose to cancel it. Tell her this weekend. There is no reason to wait any longer.