I think we are in recovery but I am not really sure.
A little background: I was completely taken by surprise at my H's online A that went on for 6 months right under my nose. This lead to a night in a hotel and then I caught on because the A escalated to the point that he didn't even care if I saw him on chat with her. He thought he was so in love that he was saving their phone conversations to listen to later when he couldn't speak with her. I found them and heard much more than I needed to.

I confronted and exposed. Initially he was ready to leave. I told him to wait and that we should not make any decisions yet because we have children. We talked for days and days before coming to the conclusion that we both wanted to save our marriage, save our family and make this work. He initiated NC with my approval.

To be honest, I do not know if they have had contact or not. For 3 months I was so wrapped up in anxiety, depression, fear, shock and everything else that I spent countless hours searching for photos of her online, searching to see if he had a secret account, searching, worrying, crying, freaking out and literally going through hell. I now feel like I was in my own fog, literally a zombie with only one purpose - finding some kind of control to stop my life from spinning and the thoughts from racing. I did not find it through searching, worrying and freaking out.

From the start, I read everything I could find on my situation and this was the first website I really felt a connection with. My H and I filled in the Emotional Needs forms and started working on those. I read as much as I could about how he might be feeling and tried to wait out his withdrawal and understand his pain. In the process, he made many positive changes and started meeting my needs. I have never gone into plan b, I offered love, admiration, respect and tried to meet his needs - in truth, I wanted to snatch away from her what she had taken from me and I think I succeeded because I am physically here and know him so much better than her. I had been comparing myself to her and obsessing over her from the start. It hurt me emotionally and physically but it also helped our relationship to some degree.

We have managed to discuss the reasons why our marriage was failing. We both knew there were serious problems for the last 8 years. We tried to identify where the problems stemmed and now have what I feel is a pretty good plan for the future and security of our marriage. Even though I still do not feel completely safe.

My H is not the kind of person to talk about his feelings and at this point, I am certain he has trouble even recognizing them. He is emotionally stunted and most certainly passive-aggressive. I have read about this as much as possible and have learned to get through to him in much more effective ways. I do not chatter in his ear anymore and watch him turn off but simply state my feelings and wait for his response. It works!

Counseling is not an option as both he and his family see this as a weakness reserved for "crazy" people and after many failed attempts, I have given up and have decided to go to IC and keep reading, learning and trying to help him as much as I can. He tells me he wants to be a better person and he wants us to be happy, but no MC or IC for him.

He is making a grand effort and in comparison to the last 13 years of our marriage, I see him doing things and sacrificing things he never has before. I see positive changes that are becoming a routine.

The question arises within myself. My hair is falling out in clumps and has been for the past few months. I have lost 50lb in 4 months because there were times that 3 days would pass and all I could do was pop a vitamin and drink water. I am eating now and eating healthy as well as trying to get at least a 30 minute walk in every day. I lost my job because my boss said "your mind is just not here." My children who are 12 year old twins, told me that I am not the fun, happy mother that I used to be and they miss me.

About 3 weeks ago I decided to just give up the searching and allow myself 10 minutes per day for it as I can't give up the obsession yet and think I will always keep tabs on him so as not to be blind again. I do not trust him but had to just let this go for my own health and sanity. I have all the questions answered and although I would really like to know if he is still thinking about her and misses her, I will not ask.

Since I started to try to accept what has happened and just live with it, my H has been much closer and he seems much more happy with me. He texts me several times throughout the day from work with love notes and sexy flirtations or just normal H & W stuff about dinner or the kids.

We went away for the weekend, alone, for the first time in 13 years and it was magnificent. We have booked a longer trip to a foreign country in Nov. He has started talking about the future and planning things with me. I am reluctant but try not to show it.

Two days ago I went online for my usual search and found that the OW had finally posted photos on her facebook page. I saw her with her H and 2 children for the first time. I was somewhat relieved in that I am about 50lb thinner than her. She looks VERY much like a younger version of me. He met her and fell for her without seeing her photo. He said it was about 2 months in that he finally saw what she looked like but he did not know that those photos were taken years ago. He told me that when he saw her in person, "she was not what he expected." Yet he went through with it anyway and then fell much more deeply in love with her after they met in person for that one night. I don't understand it.

So yesterday I woke up in tears after seeing them together in yet another dream, this time I had a perfectly clear picture of her in my head. The crying became uncontrollable and lasted for hours. I realized yesterday that the stress has become too much and I am very close to a nervous breakdown. I made an appointment this morning to see an IC tomorrow.

How do I know that we are actually in recovery? From what you are reading here can you tell if it is truly recovery? If you want/need more info, just let me know. Thanks for your feedback.

hi there motzi. i'm sorry for your ongoing pain and what brought you here. many of us find a connection with MB, because it just makes sense.

rather than IC, why don't you contact the coaching centre? steve or jennifer will give you both a plan to recover your M, so you can stop feeling like zombie-motzi and learn to have a happy M with your WH. coaching centre link it's certainly better money spent than IC. ICs are not trained to recover marriages from infidelity. the harleys have a proven track record specializing in infidelity and marital recovery. my husband and i coached with steve from halfway around the world, and it was money well spent, finally allowing me to starting recovery after 5 long years. i encourage you to give it a go.

Thank you Letty. I will certainly consider it but with our plan, I have free IC and money is an issue right now especially with the trip and the holidays coming up. The woman I am going to see on Monday has a very good rep so I am hoping for the best. At this point, I just need to find better ways to get through the day without a job to get to and how to find my strong, independent, courageous, wild, fun, confident self again. I really miss ME!

Hi Motzi,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry for the reason you are here. You are, however, in the best place possible to recover a marriage after an affair. My H and I are in a recovering marriage and are doing great.

Read and learn the MB program. It offers a plan to recover a marriage after an affair. But, the plan is defined and specific and doesn't have alot of wiggle room for what people think is their special or unique situation.

First, get and read the book, "Surviving an Affair".

Next, the affair should be exposed to family and friends, to include the OW's husband. Your children are old enough to understand that their father's behavior was unacceptable. Your husband should write a no contact letter (there is an example in the book and on this site). You should read it, approve it and mail it to OW. Your H should never see or speak with thisOW again.

Your husband should implement extraordinary precautions to prevent a reoccurrance of this affair or the start of a new one. Since he met OW on-line, precautions should be taken to prevent him from doing this again. Those precautions should at a minimum include a keylogger (do not tell him about this). On occasion, Dr. Harley has recommended no computer access at all, i.e. removal of the computer from the home.

You and your husband should both agree to transparency. Share all passwords, access to email, text messages, etc. Both of you should be able to call the other at any time to chat.

I am glad you are spending time with your husband. Dr. Harley recommends 15-20 hours a week in undivided attention, meeting the critical emotional needs of affection, recreational companionship, intimate conversation and sexual fulfillment.

It is good that you are going on a trip together. I suggest that you and your husband make it a priority to sign up for the on-line program. Maybe, scale down Christmas to afford it. What better gift could there be for an entire family than to have the parents be in love with each other!

I just re-read your original post. If all the questions about the affair have been answered, never speak about it again. (This was a huge one for me.) Also, stop looking at OW's facebook. It triggers you and brings all the bad feelings of the past into the present.

AM

Some things leap of the page, Motzi.

He met her and fell for her without seeing her photo. He said it was about 2 months in that he finally saw what she looked like but he did not know that those photos were taken years ago. He told me that when he saw her in person, "she was not what he expected." Yet he went through with it anyway and then fell much more deeply in love with her after they met in person for that one night. I don't understand it.

The reason you don't understand it is he's lying about all of it. Like most non-MB amateur spouses, he is motivated to lie for two reasons:

(minor) He is trying to inflict less pain on you now.
(MAJOR) He doesn't want to reveal the true depth of his betrayal.

This second rationalization leads us to the next concern.

The combination of:
BS 44
WH 36
married 14 years
with
She looks VERY much like a younger version of me.
highlights the issue of the difference in your ages, with you being the senior.

YES, such unions can work, but it's going to require heightened vigilance on both parts (but you're here, so you get the warning!) about asynchronous changes in outlooks, wants, and goals, which will be more evident as you age. What you (or he) might treat as "normal" life may not align with the spouse's vision at the same time. (Think of the impact of you approaching retirement and him still driving through a career.)

Better-than average open, radical and honest communication will be your watchword. (Actually, having seen the result of the LACK of same, you might be well geared to work on this.)

The reason he felt stronger bond with her after their first rendezvous is bc that is what sex does...it releases chemicals that do just that.

Secondly, you have to realize it was an ADDICTION. The way she responded to him was what was amazing to him. Dr H said that sex will never be like it is in an A. With sex normal chemicals are released but in an A there are added chemicals like adrenaline (forbidden fruit and the nervousness of getting caught) that intensify the whole experience.

My H and I talked about this in length...with OW he had a harder time preforming on his end...with me, never is it hard....with me it feels right...after with her ...guilt...but that is how an addiction is...want the beer...drink too much beer...vomit...do it again. It doesn't make any sense at all to a non addicted person.

So forget about her looks her age. ...what she is doing. She is just a great big bottle of heroine and the more your h comes out of the fog the more he will see that. You talking about the A will only discourage him. Follow all the steps of army momma's advice.

We promise the triggers will lesson. Dr. Harley highly recommends anti depressants for women first dealing with an affair. It is not weak to go to your doctor and get anti depressants to get you through this period. Getting out of your depression will definitely help you, your marriage, and your kids. It is only short term.

I feel for you. I remember those days...I got down to 107 lbs on the Affair diet. Better days are ahead. Follow ALL the steps in the books and if you can get MB coaching DO IT! It will speed up your recovery x 10.

Motzi,

With money being an issue for me too, I ordered 2 of Dr Harley's books from ebay.com. Both "His needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" were less that $5 each. I received them fairly fast too.

i second the "stop looking at OWs fb page." this is only going to make it hard on *you.* block her page, delete it from your computer history, and when you are tempted, tell yourself it only hurts you and do something else instead.

does your husband have a fb page?

here is a good read conversation. you may not think it fits you, but scroll down to "good conversation" then "enemies of good conversation." it fits all of us.

Got mine at the library !!! Amazon is better of course cuz you can keep them legally.

A big thank you to everyone. This is the first time I joined a forum and everyone has been so kind. Your comments and information have shed light and pointed me in the right direction. I will certainly get the books recommended and can't wait to start reading.

In answer to Letty's question, yes my H has a facebook page, I have his password and can go into it at any time. The OW is blocked on his account and I have gotten him to delete anyone that is not family or one of my friends. I have access to everything, passwords, phone, etc. I realize however that he could easily have another free email account that is accessable only online and then visit it while at work. I have to just trust that he is not doing that. He is very tech savvy and although I have become the FBI of our house, I realize there are always avenues for cheating, he has to just not want to do it.

Taking the risk on trusting him is huge for me as I have never been a jealous person and because of our age difference, I gave him TOTAL freedom. He was coming and going for years without even telling me who he was with or where he was going. I gave him this freedom in hopes that as we got older he would not feel that he missed out and have a mid life crisis that brought him to another woman... backfired!

In a way, this affair has helped our marriage so much. For years I was staying in a horrible marriage for my children and my husband and I couldn't stand each other. Now, we have a relationship with love, care, communication and mutual respect. It feels great and if I can just shed my doubts, fears, anxiety and depression... the road ahead looks very promising.

Hi Mitzi, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. A couple of things stand out to me and I wanted to mention them. The first is the Facebook page. If your husband is on Facebook he can gawk at the OWs page or contact her anytime. It takes 2 seconds to unblock someone. It is much better to just delete Facebook altogether. It is not worth the repeat affair that will likely occur.

Trust is very unwarranted and will only harm your chances of success. It was too much trust that led to his affair.

The second red flag is exposure of the affair. Have you exposed the affair to the OW's husband so he can protect himself from your husband? What about your children and your family? Do they all know about the affair? This is one of the most important first steps in recovery after an affair.

Do you have spy resources on your husbands computer and cell phone? If not, check into the operation investigate forum.

And lastly, if you want your marriage to recover, please get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program in the book. Most marriages do not recover from affairs. They limp along in a crippled state of the pre affair marriage and often experience repeat affairs. This program will help you avoid all that. A counselor won't be of any help in saving your marriage.

Good for you, chin up.

When bad days come...and they will...vent on us!