Any response?

No, not yet. I'm going to send one apologizing for my selfish demands. I know I had few of them now that I have read that chapter and thought back on it.

The Love Buster book explains my marriage to a tee. I'm up to chapter six and I know I have committed every one of the LB's discussed so far.

BH or anybody else, how worries should I be that she hasn't responded to any of the emails I have sent her so far. I have sent her three emails so far apologizing for the Love Buster's I committed in our marriage.

What have you said in each of the emails you have sent ?

Dotnetdave, this is the first email I sent to her.


"I want to apologize for allowing may taker to rule our marriage when it should have been my giver.

Giver - Do whatever you can to make your spouse happy and avoid anything that makes your spouse unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy.

Taker - Do whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes you unhappy, even if it makes your spouse unhappy.

From my heart I am sorry for this."

The other two emails have been written this same way apologizing for each Love Buster that I have committed throughout our marriage.

Is she aware of the MB concepts and your participation on this site? I am also in plan A and learning everyday as well, but if she isnt onboard with MB and with recovery i personally would say sending things piecemeal i.e. 1 LB at a time is going to come across the wrong way and also it would come across in part that you are trying to educate her which i have been told is a big NO NO.

As i say i am not an expert by any stretch but just saying what i have learnt so far.

She is not aware as far as I know of. I can see where you are coming from with the way I am doing it it could come off like the Love Buster "Disrespectful Judgements. I just need to come and ask her if she is willing to read the book and learn about Love Busters. If I ask if she is willing and get her opinion it would go along with POJA.

If your W isn't familiar with MB Basic Concepts, encourage her to read the books.

If she doesn't want to read the books, get MB coaching. Well worth the money.

EPs are not selfish demands, because they aren't selfish. They're for the good of both spouses. Affairs and affairages are a wellspring of human misery.

BH, what do you think about the past few post.

I think she is not responding because she may be feeling like you're trying to educate her.

I think apologizing for your mistakes are good. You need to try and make deposits now.

You know IC is a huge one to her. How is that going? Are you not talking at all?

Can you afford an appointment with SH? He could also give you a plan.

Are you still sending her the positive texts about your DS when you have him with you? How is that going?

Also have you read this?
Men's Recovery Thread

Letter to my WW, thoughts before I send it.


Dear WW,

I have failed you as a husband, a father, and a friend. I promise this will not happen again. Now I may hit bumps in the road but with your help I can overcome those bumps.

Right now I am working a program that is helping me recognize the Love Busters that I committed throughout our marriage. With this program I am learning how to eliminate these actions and learning how to make our marriage one that we will love and cherish for the rest of our lives.

I am writing this email to ask you would be willing to read a book with me and begin working the program also. I will buy another copy as I already have a copy.

I know I haven't been the greatest person over the last few months. I am praying that you understand why I have been the way that I have been. I am trying to change and not for a different relationship but for our relationship.

For our marriage to heal and become the marriage we both want then these are some of the things it will take from you.

Godly sorrow (not fleshly sorrow) (Godly: sorry that I ever had the A & did this to our family. Fleshly: sorry I hurt you)

Authentic repentance

Own your choices and the consequences they caused (to yourself, me, children, extended family, friends, etc.)

Apology for the A and your hurtful actions before and after

Apology to DS5 for what has gone on

Attend church together again

No Contact Letter

Agree to work the program I talked about earlier

Complete radical honesty about our entire history together

20+ hours together weekly (by ourselves talking and doing activities that we both enthusiastically agree to)

Pray with me daily

Complete transparency(passwords to facebook and email accounts)

No Facebook or joint Facebook account

This is what I will do.

Own my choices and the consequences they caused (to yourself, me, children, extended family, friends, etc.)

Apology for all my hurtful actions before and after

Attend church together again

Work the program I talked about earlier

Complete radical honesty about our entire history together

Complete transparency(passwords to facebook and email accounts)

No Facebook or joint Facebook account

20+ hours together weekly (by ourselves talking and doing activities that we both enthusiastically agree to)

Pray with me daily

Look for another job so that I am able to spend the time with my family that I believe you deserve.

Defend you 100 % against anybody including my parents.

I believe God has allowed this to happen for a reason and I believe that reason is to allow us to improve our marriage. I am praying that your belief in God will allow you to see it in your heart to give our marriage another chance and allow our kids to have a stable family.

Love,
BS

t2c, I don't remember where you are at with things and don't have the time to re-read your thread. Have you exposed? Is the A still active? Are you in plan a? Do you live together?

Is this a Plan B letter?

I read back a few pages. So far it seems that she does not want to work on the marriage and does not live with you. The letter would be pointless unless you are going to Plan B. These would be her requirements should she want to return to the marriage. Until then, you would stay dark and not communicate with her.

So are you ready for Plan B?

It is kinda like a plan b letter since I haven't seen her but once in the last six months. I can't even bring myself to go to my son's soccer game because she is not willing to work on the marriage. My parents have been picking up the kids so that I am able to see them. Which brings me to my newest problem.

My oldest son who loves my parents dearly didn't want anything to do with them at the soccer game. He didn't want to come home with them like he normally does on the weekends. I think the problems with the marriage is finally taking its toll on him.

Have there been any other men on here that have went through plan b with kids as young as mine.

I was trying to think of any guys on here that did a plan b, but I

cant think of any. Neverguessed, maybe?

Did your son tell you why he didn't want to go? Perhaps you can stop the weekend visits with the grandparents.

See I don't have the kids, my WW does. That was how I got to see my kids without seeing her.

In South Carolina we both have legal custody of the kids so basically she can take them whenever she wants and I can take them whenever I want. So if I'm at work she can take the kids without my approval and if she is at work I can take the kids without her approval. So instead of putting my kids through a tug of war battle I let her take them and I was getting to see them on the weekend when my parents got them. So now this puts a new twist on it since I'm not sure what is going on with my oldest son.

Not quite sure how I should approach this problem.

You'll have to figure that out to address who sees the kids when. The kids need stability right now. Getting a schedule now will give them that and lessen THEIR anxiety about things, Kwim?

That's the problem Rocketqueen right now my work schedule doesn't allow for stability. I work 6-4 on the morning, 9-7 in the morning, and 1-11 at night and this changes from week to week. So I have no stability to make a schedule and stick to it. I need to find another job but until I do there is no chance of stability unless she changes her mind and decides to work things out. Which is why I am trying the letter.

Can you speak to your boss and gave your schedule changed dye to a headship* do they know your situation?