Sir if you are afraid she will become upset because you don't trust her then you may as well give up now.
People having affairs are expert liars.
But seriously people don't go on trips to "think". Maybe if they go to a Buddhist Temple or something but not on a vague trip.

Not sure if i need the dirt. She is the one who told me about it 1 day she contacted him. This isn't some random guy. Its her old flame.

From my understandings our relationship was not great, she felt vunerable, her old ex-bf declared his love to her. She is confused and I think partially confused becaues she left him to be with me. Its the What If Scenerio. Something I don't want her to try.

The What IF scenerio is where I can use the best advice. Any ladies out there had that feeling of what if and actually acted upon it.

She already told me, she won't see the guy unless, i gave her the okay. But I know she won't be able to bear the thought of "What if" and hold a grudge for the rest of her life.

Maybe i am just stupid.

the trip was not her idea. It was from a close friend of ours to clear her mind.

If she betrays my trust, then i know what to do.

Your not stupid .. I feel you may be afraid to challenge her. Conflict avoidance. Afraid of her emotional reactions and afraid of rocking the boat anymore than she already does.

She is GASLIGHTING You into submission.

MNG

I think this "friend" knows more than they let on...

I am afraid to add fuel to the fire....no doubt, but she wanted to go to therapy. I didn't have to convince her.

I do know that guy is gas lighting her because I called that guy to have a conversation (that was interesting)

I am hoping a 3rd party person can talk some sense because I know right now, she is not in the state of mind to think clearly (hence why i agreed she needs alone time to think things through). Remember i know i made mistakes and pissed her off (if you read my long story)

This friend is a relative.

Maybe you're not stupid. Maybe you choose to bury your head in the sand.

I may be a fool...I still trust her.

Well, there ain't no "may be" about it, my friend.

If i send a PI and she finds out, what does that say about trust?

It says you care enough about saving your marriage to take action to learn the true state of her "friendship".

About the only thing missing from your story that prevents this from being the archetypal "surprised" BH rendition is your telling us that WW is a God-fearing, church-going, highly moral, religious person.

Shall I give you my re-creation of how this developed? POSOM was scheduled to go on a trip (business, convention, old fraternity gathering, whatever) and told WW how he'd really like to see her again to renew acquaintances and go over the "old times". Bad news, dude.

She told you she's going on a trip to "think". We here will tell you she went on this trip to get her "pipes cleaned". Which party do you think has the greater incentive to lie to you?

Marriage Builders is an action based program.
It designed to save marriages from affairs and help couples create loving romantic relationships.

Are you willing to work to recover your marriage?

ALmost 99% of the time when someone "needs space" its because they have a point of comparison to which we call around here "the contrast effect". They want space to carry on their affair without the BS interupting. So they can find out if its "worth it" or not to give up their families for "god sent true love" (im being sarcastic if you cant tell).

Make a corner in the garage .... go for a walk ... THAT is space. Not taking off for days to get away. She is meeting him .. im 90% sure.

Waywards are great liers ... if she is all in your face about privacy .. and space .. etc .. she is HIDING something. People who have nothing to hide .. dont run away .. and dont hide things.

MNG

Maybe you are right.

The point is, more evidence ain't going to help this marriage. She already told me she talked to him, how she feels, how she is confused. She isn't denying it.

Getting more evidence ain't helping the situation.

Hence why i posted this in the general forum originally, I think this story is more about confusion for her love to me or her love for her old flame because of the bad times we are going through. Wrong place, wrong time to call her ex flame.

I just wanted to know if anybody else got into that situation and realized they were a [censored] for letting them be vunerable to that situation.

You need to read Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley. He is a national expert on killing affairs and fixing marriages

On behalf of all your new friends at MB, I'd ask you do us all a favor, and stop THINKING, and start ASKING and LISTENING. Here will be your likely plan to save your marriage, my friend:

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

I just wanted to know if anybody else got into that situation and realized they were a [censored] for letting them be vunerable to that situation.

EVERYONE here.

How good of a relationship do you have with this "relative" who gave her the advise to go on a holiday without you to "think".

You may discover that this "relative" knows more than you think .. and is ENABLING her (your WW) to carry on in her foggy state of mind and base all her decisions on her FEELINGS.

Feelings can lie to you. When my marriage was in the dumps i often "felt" like i wanted to just give up .. i "felt" like killing myself over some of the issues ... SHould i listen to my feelings if they are telling me these things? NO .. FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS. Do the actions first and your feelings will follow.

Your wife going away from you and hiding and "thinking" is only making her feel good without you ... so in a sense its validating her feelings that being without you in the right choice. WHen in fact its the WRONG choice.

MNG

I did....

Here is the part i focused on Total Seperation...I know what needs to be done....getting there is the hard part.

the best i got is iphone, that tracks her werabouts.

I talked to that guy and tried to reason with him. The guy wants to steal her away, no lie, he said it. I wanted to kill him but it was on the phone. So i tried asking him to abandon the relationship.....

WHy would you focus on Seperation. Is that what you want? Or do you want to be madly in love with your wife again?

No that section was seperation of the Affair....lol what she needs to do (emotional Affair). In that book it stats that must happen to help the healing process.

I guess you are right in some sense, i need to just play hardball.

You need to MAN UP **edit** ... your letting a little weasel get into your wifes panties. Your conflict avoiding. STAND UP FOR YOUR MARRIAGE MAN. Show your wife how much you really care and run this guy off. Dont reason with him ... you TELL him your going to fight for your marriage and make his a living hell if he continues to chase your wife.(which we are certain hes already into a full PA with her at this point).