Kiss, it has been 2 days now since you posted on your thread, asking for help because you know RQ is at the end of her rope. Several people have, again, tried to respond to your post with advice. Meanwhile you seem to be MIA again...

2 days does not seem like a lot of time. But in your situation, 2 days is an insurmountable time. This has to change like, 5 minutes ago. You do not have the luxury of posting and then taking a couple days off to just live your life and not worry about the next step.

YOU need to win HER back. And not the other way around. Do you get that? I have no doubt that when she sees you actually put the effort into doing just that, SHE will invest her own self into recovery. She would not be here if she didn't want the exact same thing you want, but she should not be the one to fix this mess and you know it.

Even if everything RQ was saying to us was a bold face lie, what we KNOW from your own posts is that you come on here, post, receive MANY responses, respond to very few and seem to take very little advice or in any way try to educate yourself on the program in a proactive way, then disappear for a month. Then come on here again with a post that RQ is at the end of her rope, rinse, repeat.

This is a half a$$ effort. If we can SEE this kind of half a$$ effort on your end, I can only imagine what RQ sees on her end. That is not just compensation. No BW will ever be able to recover and be happy under these circumstances. You seem to think that RQ just can't be happy and invested, but you have given her no reason to.

Dude we are all really, really hoping for your recovery. But nobody can do the work for you, including RQ.

I will have rocket queen do the emotional questionnaire with me tonight. I definitely think it helps keep me on track with meeting her emotional needs. But a lot of her issues seem to be me not posting enough. I do read everyone's posts and some of the other threads also.

KISS

I think some what but not totally. What bothers me is sometimes her lack of excitement to see me. I do work sucky hours and its hard sometimes. Like when I work an 9am to 8pm shift and I've been anxious to see her and when I get home I don't get the same kind of reaction back it really sucks bad. I know I messed up and I'm trying to make it up to her everyday.

I don't want her to do it because she feels she has to. I want her to really be excited and anxious to see me. I know that posting is the most important thing to her and it doesn't matter what I do as far as meeting her emotional needs that doesn't seem to have any weight to it. No matter if I try to have the house all clean when she comes home or spend a lot of time with the kids (witch I always do) or anything else it seems to be just about the posting.


KISS

Because here is where you get the best advice. The people here know what to do!

The kids can't help you save your marriage.

Filling ENs is great. But lovebusters take all that out.

Would YOU be happy to see you?

KISS,


Quick question; did you choose your name for the familiar acornym Keep It Simple Silly?

Then follow your namesake, sir!

If you want your wife to be excited to see you, you need to create reason for her to be excited, OK?


Firs and foremost; what are you doing to make those weekly UA targets? Avoiding Love Busters is critical, but stopping LB$ withdrawals really only becomes effective when you are also making deposits. Meeting regular emotional needs is good for maintaining a balance, but meeting Intimate Emtional Needs is what skyrockets your balance.


Sit your butt down each Sunday with Rocket, and plan out 20 hours each week of solid UA time. Meeting 15 hours a week takes a little over 2 hours each day, so getting 2-3 days a week of 4 hours or more takes you to 20 rather quickly.

March into your boss's office and tell him; my marriage is a wreck, and this job is MEANINGLESS if I don't have an intact family. See what can be done to get you OUT of the office, and HOME more often.


Also, I suggest you begin following this list;


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5010_qa.html




Doing these things will lead to her being excited to see you, because it will lead to her having Romantic Love for you.



Or, you can keep the pity party going, and your wife will leave you.


You are a negligent husband, sir. You either fix it, or face the consequences.

Quit feeling sorry for yourself, and man the hell up.

KISS,


Get on the board, every day.

I will dedicate myself to trying to help you, every day.

You can notify on this post and request my email, and email me personally (that you have posted) every day, and I will come and post to you. Every day.

I want your marriage to succeed, sir. And I will put the work in here where I have more experienced backup. But you have to meet halfway here.

It won't be nice. I'll kick your butt up one side of the field and down the other, but I am willing to give that to you if you get off your duff and work.

Deal?

RQ is disappointed, hurt and betrayed. You did that. Accept it.



RQ is disappointed, hurt and betrayed. You did that. Accept it.

The good news is that after months and months of really hard work, you won't be a wayward husband any more.

You'll be a former wayward husband who follows MB all the way. Whose moved mountains to make it up to his betrayed wife. Even when she had no heart to encourage him. But he carried on.

THAT is admirable. Not somebody who works all the hours god sends and then wonders why his wife is unhappy. Its kinda obvious why.

Are you that man? Can you keep going when all seems lost?

Kiss - here's the thing. Minimal efforts do not recover a marriage. When a wayward takes the path of least resistance, they cheat again.

I have a friend who followed Marriage Builders plan; she did an extraordinary Plan A. Husband quite a bit like you, gave a lot of talk to winning her back, but what he really wanted was more Plan A. Endless Plan A.

She fatigued. Life happened. And he left her carrying most of the load. He wanted Plan A treatment without doing his part.

So then...

He cheated again.

And now the poor sap is wondering where the h*ll is his Plan A?

He was a minimal efforts/big talk kind of guy. He never did step up and WIN her back. He gave up OW and expected endless Plan A on that level of commitment. He was still thinking he was entitled, instead of realizing the magnitude of his assault on his marriage and abuse of his wife.

You're still thinking of what you're not getting, instead of what you're not giving.

Good summary.

BTW Kiss, just a tip but I would skip the EN inventory. You know her ENs, you know what she wants.

Less talk, more action. ESPECIALLY when she is giving you nothing in return.

You owe her.

holdherhand,

That's a great list I do most of it pretty constantly. As I am a pretty affectionate person.The hardest one for me on a constant bases is calling her a couple of times a day when I'm at work. I do call her most of the time but sometimes I get so busy at work. I know its definitely important to her and I get angry at my self because I get so caught up in the chaos at work. I miss a text message or am late to respond to her but not to often.

KISS

Holdherhand,

Sounds good to me. I get very involved in posting but once I work a couple of long days or I don't get a lot of feedback I seem to lose my focus. I know that I need to be committed and stay on track as this is the most important thing to my wife so it has to be the most important thing to me! I just need to be smacked to keep focused. As I am an assistant store Manager for a very large retail company and it's very hectic as their is a lot going on at once. One of my associates called me Dory from Finding Nemo as I am known to lose my focus once in a while. So it would be appreciated.

THANKS,
KISS

You have 14 pages of feedback, much of which has never been addressed. I would suggest you start there.

kiss, i count 411 posts on your thread. over 400! and you feel like you're not getting fb? really?

i don't think i've ever seen a post from you where you've said, "here is what we're doing for UA time this week." or "here's how i met RQs ENs this week."

it's like your thread is a .gif, forever on loop. "here i am, needing help. help please." several posts of help. crickets from you. then, "here i am, needing help. help please." and so on, and so on. if we feel this frustrated with you, i can only imagine how royally pissed off RQ must feel! do you realise how lucky you are she hasn't just walked out the door and called it quits?

she must really love you to keep trying and keep trying. but that doesn't mean you can keep taking her love for granted, because it WILL run out.

one of these days, your post is going to be, "help! RQ has left me and i don't know what to do!"

kiss, if anything, i just feel sad for you. you seem to live to work, and man, your life is so much *more* than work! as a supervisor, there has to be *some* way to deal with your workload and job-related stress.

but you see, no one is going to come take your hand and walk you through it. you need to deal, man! you need to get your priorities straight and take the action (many actions) that need to occur if you want to stay in your M.

it's simple, really. if you don't pull finger, your M isn't going to be there anymore. RQ certainly has a boatload of patience that i don't possess. but eventually, that patience will have run dry, her lovebank will be so far in the red that you will *never* be able to fill it up again, and she's going to walk away from you with a light heart, because the end of her M will only be a relief to her.

i'm sorry to be so harsh on you, but kiss, i just want to scream "wake the eff up!" it' not rocket science! you know her needs, you know how to fill them, you have this magnificent resource available to you, you have an *amazing* offer from HHH, and you just...aren't.

I worked retail for 10 years for one of the top 3 grocers. At one time I was aiming for management. And then I watched my favorite assistant manager. I was 24 at the time, he was 26. He had 4 kids, and his wife was a SAHM, as well as homeschooling the kids. He worked a similar schedule to what you are doing, 10+ hours a day, 6-7 days a week.

Eventually, his wife packed up her bags and told him; "Us, or the job. We are moving back to the other side of the state."

They now have 6 kids, and he works title and escrow. His experience in management in that company got him that job, as the particular chain I worked for had an excellent reputation for their management training at that time.

For myself, I stopped and looked; almost every member of management I ever worked with was in poor health, was divorced, or had addiction problems. The demand of the job was too much to maintain a healthy lifestyle.


Look around you Kiss, and ask yourself; is this job, this career worth my health and my family? Am I doing this because it is what I want to do, or because I think it is the best I can do?

One of my former managers stepped down to checking and is happier and healthier than he was in management. In fact, he and his wife run the youth group I send all my daughters to.


Your marriage requires more of your time, Kiss. You have to be the one to stand up and prioritize that. Ok?

Ok, anecdote aside...

My offer is not unconditional. You had, in my opinion, the BEST possible board member for your situation trying to support you in HPB - and it seems he's tossed up his hands at this point.

I'm not your best bet. I may be your last chance. Ok? What I can see is a bilateral lack of motivation here - the BEST bet would be for you two to get enrolled with either the home study or online course, as both of you are in a motivatonal swamp.

I will try to help you to the best of my ability, but understand my ability; I am a peer, not a professional. I have only been here 2 years. I have only worked with written material, and have never been directly coached, nor done the MB weekend. I only participate in; 101, SAA, In Recovery, and occasional bits in other topics. There are dozens of better posters. You had the best, now you get the rest.

My conditions; you WILL post every day. If you are not going to post, you will post to notify me that you will not be posting. You can post from a smart phone in the hospital, or from a highway rest stop, so the only excuse I will find acceptable is this; "I will be out of the home with my wife." Since she is here and posting, I will be able to find out if you make a false claim on this condition.

When I request information, you will provide it. When I request you do some "homework" you will do it. Again, these things can be verified if you falsify.

If you fail to meet my conditions, I will place you on ignore and leave you to your own devices and the consequences carried by them without regret.

While I carry out this commitment, I will not read your wife's thread, and will only post to her if I have reason to believe you are less than honest with me, at which point, see the previous paragraph. My MB time will be FOCUSED on helping you specifically. That time is limited, don't waste it.


As I post, it is early morning Sunday, September 23rd, 2012. As it is Sunday, today you will sit down with your wife and your work schedule. You will plan out a minimum of 2 hours each night for UA time, and you will plan a minimum of 3 nights for a date. I don't care if it's a happy meal and a walk in the park, do it.

You have another request you will make that is part of this agreement; you will request 30 minutes when you get home from work to come here and read, and post. When you get home from work, you will follow the affection need meeting list - walk in, kiss your wife, tell her you love her, then come to read and post.

I concur with both Letty and HHH.

Just to add - it seems to me that whenever someone pops up and asks questions you don't want to answer, or you don't like his or her viewpoint, you simply ignore the post.

Your best bet for success here is in paying especially close attention to those posts!

holdherhand,

our schedule for the week is as follows:

day my work schedule---our UA time
monday 9am-8pm 9pm-11pm
tuesday 9am-8pm 9pm-11pm
wednesday 1pm-12pm ------
thursday 9am-8pm 9pm-11pm
friday off all day
saturday off all day
sunday off all day

I'm taking Friday through Tuesday off so we can spend some time together. We are leaving on Sunday morning and going to Niagra Falls Canada for some alone time as my step Daughter is watching the kids for a couple of days.

KISS

YA, What Neak said!

1) DO NOT waste those days that are marked as "all day." DO NOT.

2) Those days where it's 9-11pm? They aren't going to fully fit the definition of UA time, as it is the end of the day and you will both be tired. Still, don't waste it. Get Rocket's cooperation - have your bedroom clean, quiet, and relaxing. I would suggest you do a little pampering; draw her a nice, hot bubble bath... hell, join her. When you are done, give her a nice head-to-toe rubdown with a good lotion - lavender scents are nice and relaxing.


This week you took time off to create that week-end.


Face the facts; your job is destructive to your marriage. Your work and experience should place you to something more conducive of a father and husband. I suggest you start looking.

This is off subject but one of my favorite remix songs is "Then she kissed me" by KISS. You can find it on YouTube.

On the subject, Dr Harley has stated on the radio show that UA time should be quality time. Not worn out, dead tired time.
What is your profession?