Kaybee~
So sorry you find yourself is this horrible sitch. First and foremost, this is Marriage Builders NOT SAVE THE OC. This site is about rebuilding your marriage, trust, and love.

Few things:
1. There is NO OC until you have DNA proof. Zilch, nada, zip. If OW presents your WH with a COURT ORDER, then you starting worrying about OC. Even if OC turns out to be your WH's, Dr. H recommends NO CONTACT with OW/OC until the OC is 18 (at a minimum).
2. EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE. I didn't and this, I feel, was one of the major reasons I am now D.
3. Trust your IL's only so far........initially my IL's were all on my side, but when paternity was proven, the conversation quickly changed. "But this is our grandson" GAG. Whatever. Blood became thicker than water and my marriage vows suddenly went out the window and I was no longer important.

I firmly believe that if you follow and LISTEN to the vets advice here, you can restore your marriage and have an even better one than you could imagine.

I'll ping our dearest Faithful Follower, who has a restored marriage, and she'll be able to provide you with encouragement.

(((Kaybee)))

Also, regarding exposure: My husband switched jobs. But he does keep in contact with some people he used to work with. Plus, she works there. Should I go to his former managers and let them know what happened, including the fact that he was communicating with her on the phone for long periods of time and work, and later after he left while she was at work, not to mention time he may have stepped out while supposedly working? They loved him at work and would welcome him back handily. I'd prefer to make them think twice about it. People wondered why he left and one or two speculated to him about the OW. They tried to keep it a secret, but apparently people suspected. So should I reveal there, as well? Would there be legal ramifications against me, like harrassment or something, since he doesn't work there currently, and she still does?

Yes, I understand you had good motivations. No one would question that. But they will eventually find out somewhere, so it is better to come from you. This will be a great life lesson for them. It will also allow them to question your husband about the reasons why he put their security at risk. He jeopardized their family for what? A big piece of nothing.


It sure gives a WS a good dose of humility which further motivates him to clean up his act. It is very therapeutic. The more destructive his behavior, the more people who should know because they can hold him accountable. And adultery is about as destructive as it gets.

Kaybee,

I am so sorry you are here under these circumstances. It is truly the worst thing that can happen to most people.

You wanted to hear from people who exposed the A. The MB concensus is that exposure is critical. In my case, I called the OWH about two hours after I found out about the affair. He was not entirely surprised. It was his wife's third affair (that he knew about) and he was able to provide me information about continued contact. I told our two older children right away. They were angry at first and then supportive. Today, H has a great relationship with our DS24. I didn't tell our then 13 year old until much later. I regret this since he knew something was very wrong, but didn't know what it was. When I finally did tell him, he said he didn't respect his father any more. This morning, nearly three years later, he gave H a hug and told him that he loved him. All of my and H's family knows about the A. H told his boss about the affair and retired early. Nearly everyone was supportive of our marriage. We no longer spend time with those that were not supportive.

Dr. Harley has very specific guidance for recovering a marriage. Please learn about it and follow it without deviation.

AM

I would also report the OW to her Commander. IT is illegal to commit adultery when you are in the military. She is unfit for service and they should this. There are instructions on how to expose to the military chain of command in my exposure thread.

Melody, I agree that it is unbalanced to have an affair. I also agree that not everyone is a murderer, I am just in a foreign situation with people I don't know, and am considering all things. It does happen sometimes, after all.

Migs, thanks for the hugs. And the comments regarding OC. That is what I think, regarding OC. I guess I was hoping that she would settle into her life with her husband. I think she doesn't want to rock the boat of her marriage, overall. If there is exposure, then DNA issue may be pushed...which I was hoping to avoid. She requested my husband's blood type, for RH factor, apparently. Just doing research last night, if she doesn't know father's blood type, then they give them the shot of whatever anyways. But it seems that it is still a possiblity that it may be my WS baby. Frankly, I'd like her to have to explain to her doctor that she is not sure about the father's blood type. Maybe it would be as uncomfortable as it was for me to have to ask for STD tests at the gyne.

Ugh. I can't believe that this is what my life has become.

Absolutely! They can watch from their end and make sure she doesn't continue contact. It is not harrassment to tell the truth.

I would also report the OW to her Commander. IT is illegal to commit adultery when you are in the military. She is unfit for service and they should this. There are instructions on how to expose to the military chain of command in my exposure thread.



Holy cow! I had absolutely no idea! Really??? I am almost giddy at the thought. I would have to find out info about her military attachment, but wow, wow, wow. Illegal? What would that mean for her? ---I am going to check that out right now!

Kaybee,

My H and his OW were in the reserves also. The military are not allowed to have military weapons at their residences. So, if there is a weapon, it has nothing to do with being in the reserves.

Mel is correct. Adultery is against the Uniform Code of Military Justice. As I said above, my H confessed his affair to his boss himself. Both my H and OW received non-judicial punishment with fines. My opinion about exposing the affair in OW's workplace is to do it. Even if she is not formally punished, it will put others on notice about her character. In our case, H told me (sadly while he was still VERY foggy) that OW was being ostrasized at work. I said that was a good thing since it would protect other people's marriages.

Regarding your thread title, yes it is possible for love to come out of hate. There were many times when I hated my husband, for what he did, the changes in our life, my physical and emotional illnesses, etc. Now, I love him. He loves me even more than I love him. Marital recovery is possible by following MB plans.

AM

Armymama, thanks for sharing regarding the info on your spouse and the military angle. If affair is exposed, without a confession, would punishment be different?

I wish I had exposed everything from the start, just didn't know to.


Melody, can't find the exposure thread...either it was right in front of me and I couldn't see it, or it is buried and I am not sure where to look.

It is in my signature.

For crying out loud....!!!! Thanks. : )

Boy, it would be nice to let her live through the hell of her own making, that I have had to live through.

Does all of this exposure still work if delayed? And there are indications that my husband is working on things, (but since trust is nil, can't be sure) does exposure derail things at this point, or can things move ahead, eventhough it was delayed?

Kaybee,

My H signed a sworn affidavit admitting to his affair and naming his affair partner. It made it easy for the General to decide on a punishment. He actually went pretty easy on my H, probably because he confessed and was remorseful. Of course, that didn't stop him cold in this tracks. He and OW kept talking to each other at work and 17 months after he left work, the city and the state, he emailed and phoned OW for a period of 10 days. At that point, I had an appointment with a divorce attorney. We started recovering our marriage after we started was is now the equivelent of the on-line MB program.

My H was a very senior officer and OW was an non-commissoned officer. In the eyes of the military, my H's being a supervisor made him more culpable. Without a signed affidavit of admission from one of the affair partners, the conviction and punishment would depend on the evidence. Often, letters, emails, photographs are evidence. Certainly in this case, if the OW has a child fathered by a man other than her husband, that would be pretty convincing evidence of an affair. It would be up to the unit commander or a courts martial to deliver the punishment. I believe the maximum punishment is one year confinement. This could obviously be a way to get OW to back off with all the asking about blood type, etc. Tell her to never bother either of you again. If she wants to go to court to get this information, it would clearly be evidence of a UCMJ violation.

AM

Kaybee, I'm glad you made it over here and are getting such good support.

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I question your husbands committment to recovery if he thinks it is the right thing to continue to deceive the OW's husband and even your children. A person who is truly remorseful wants to make amends to his victims and places their best interest above his embarrassment. It is in the OWH's and your childrens best interest to know about the affair. It is also in his best interest.

Another reason your children should be told everything about this OW is because if you died, do you want the OW showing up at your funeral and trying to take your place? Because that does happen. When my father passed, his 35 year mistress showed up at his funeral. I had no idea who she was at first. EVERYONE ELSE but me and my sibs knew who she was.

Your children need to know who the enemy is so they can protect themselves from her too.

Melody, well, misdirecting children was partly me, to soften blow. Partial truth, not whole truth. So I must take ownership of that. He went along with it. And the part about not telling other husband has been both, as well. Him for obvious reasons. Me, well, again, thinking it would be for the best with the child coming. Hoping for a lovey dovey fest with new baby, which is probably delusional on my part.

I feel now that I would tell him (minus telling him about paternity). She may reveal that on her own. She has this real "whatever" attitude. She likes to present herself as this helpless victim, which has infuriated me with my husband because he falls for it like an idiot. He has felt like he put her in some sort of circumstance and that he is duty bound to help her (yet, she is married, has two jobs (reserves is one) and good insurance, as well as family). Interesting where my husband's duty bound interests lie. Or have lain, if he is indeed putting it in the past.


Also, excellent point on what may happen if I were to pass. I have been worrying about joint custody, and her treatment of them (my older son particularly would hate her for what she did to the family), I hadn't thought much about her stepping into my place completely. I can't leave them vulnerable to that situation. Wow.

When your father passed, did you mean she had been mistress for 35 years, or she was 35yrs old? How old were you at the time?

And you know, one of my latest dreads that keeps me up at night is the whole OC thing. I want no contact, period. I don't want him to see baby, go to hospital, check on things, no pictures, nothing. Right now he finds that hard to commit to. Even if he does, who's to say it won't change in the future?

But if everyone knows, again, either contact will be cut or they are together, but at least I won't be worrying.

That kind of worry is part of what is driving my hate and also making me feel like divorce would be a relief, instead.

Kaybee,

When a wayward spouse will not commit to no contact for life, it means that they want the affair to continue. Your husband is not taking the steps to end the affair and recover the marriage. The MB recommended course of action in this case is Plan B. In plan B, you do not see or talk to your husband until he is ready to end the affair and commit to the marriage.

AM

Where are these plans written out, plan A and plan B? I want to read them. Also, I presume the book Surviving an Affair is what I should get?